Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Mountaindewed · Jun 27, 2021 at 04:11 PM

I didn’t really dwell on old T today. I had brief periods of thinking of her. But it seemed that there was other unrelated stuff going on at the time that led up to me thinking of her. That other one ticked me off a bit when I thought of her today. She never seemed to validate my emotions. You can have post op depression and still be happy with the results. She didn’t seem to understand that though.

Glittering · Jun 28, 2021 at 04:58 AM

46 days since the session I left. Not that I’m counting….

LonesomeTonight · Jun 28, 2021 at 05:20 AM

Dear T,
Please be supportive and understanding today. Don't be like Friday. OK? And no lectures on why you need to push me. Because I know.

Love,
LT

LostOnTheTrail · Jun 28, 2021 at 05:39 AM

Thank you for understanding why I sent the poem.

I've wanted to share it for years, but now it feels even more relevant.
I hadn't noticed the image on the page I chose to share - but that's interesting in itself.
It's a straight rock face, where there don't appear to be any footholds to me.
(Not that I would know where to begin finding footholds - I am certainly not a climber.)

It would be good if I could set Everything Else aside, just for today.

Going back to in person work with students has to be my focus.

Speak to you on Thursday.

Waterbear · Jun 28, 2021 at 06:59 AM

Dear T,

I wish I knew if you were planning on returning to work. I am assuming that you are, but I see now that your website has been removed and that you are no longer on the find a therapist sites. I don't know how long it's been like that for though, could be recent, could be a few months ago as it has been a while since I've googled you to see your face.

If only I could reach out, but I am still respecting your space. Or am I putting your needs above mine? Whichever it is, maybe both, I am sitting here struggling. Hoping you are ok, hoping you will come back.

Take care,

Love me x

*Beth* · Jun 28, 2021 at 10:24 AM

I hope I feel more successful in therapy when we start meeting in person next week (finally!).

comrademoomoo · Jun 28, 2021 at 02:02 PM

The therapists I have had contact with so far have been a whole lot more civil than you. I wonder if you realise that being a $hithead is not an integral part of your job.

LonesomeTonight · Jun 28, 2021 at 02:15 PM

Dear T,
Thanks for explaining all that to me today. It means a lot that you believe in me. I mean, I know I should just trust that you do, like I said. But sometimes I need to hear it, to be reminded of it. And I appreciate your being more gentle with me. (Though, I've gotta say, I'd be curious to hear what your being really tough on someone sounds like.)
Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · 06:47 PM

Hey you. Wowza that dream (nightmare) I had this morning that woke me at 5am. I have felt the absolute urgency of it all day. It's really affected me and I've been tending the dream on and off while I'm working and waiting for a program to open or while waiting for more work to be assigned to me, also during my lunch break I drew it. *shivers* to look at it now. I've done some good work with it but am looking forward to hearing your thoughts about it on Friday.

eta: of course it's my claustrophobia that gives me shivers when i look at what i drew.

Waterbear · Jun 28, 2021 at 05:06 PM

Dear Old T,

Thank you for suggesting I just ask the question. I did, and it was ok. Thank you for being there when I needed it. Thank you for being you.

Dear T,

I'm glad you are coming back. See you in a couple of weeks,

Me x

Lemoncake · Jun 29, 2021 at 12:15 AM

So my mother asked me to call someone I didn't even know for prayers- last night which I did and I'm sat crying about this 12 mins convo right now.

Possible trigger:

"Okay now what's the problem with you? You sound very down depressed, oh I hate people like this. I don't mean to take it out ,oh sorry I'm just like this.

I do have issues with depression.

It's okay it's normal.Everyone is depressed.

To the point where I get suicidally depressed, but I live alone.

Well you shouldn't be alone then.

I don't have anyone else though.

Why have you not got anyone else. Are people dead? In the world are you the last girl on the earth? Is X the place I live like this?

Do you look at the mirror too much?

What's your name?

Honestly he was right about the depression, but I found him to be very rude. Why are you so depressed?

Why are you depressed what's wrong with you? You don't look like the type to break hearts. You're just lost.

Yea I am.

Why?

I don't know.

Come on talk to me.

I like listening,

I've got a lot of trauma, i'm tired.I'm exhausted from studying.

What. What is the trauma? What's happened? Has someone ran away with your cat?

No.

Then.

I should just forget it.

No I don't want to forget it. I want to know.

I think it's just growing up, I was bullied at school, hit when I was a child. My family home life isn't very happy. Someone I was close to died during Covid.

And the other thing there's no other abuse.

No, not right now.

No before.

It was before.

You can talk to me it's confidential. No one can hear except you and me. Talking about it is a result

I just feel really really tired all the time.

Again I'll come to that question. have you been abused while you were a child. Yes or no?

I'd say yes.

By who?

I'd say my parents, a cousin when I was younger.

What do you mean parents? They must have hit you is that it?

Yes and general swearing.

Come to the cousin. What abuse is that?

I feel like it was sexual abuse.

By who?

A female cousin.

A female cousin. So how is that abuse? It's nothing.

Okay. Isn't it. Happens with males. I'm sorry to say. How old are you? You're becoming a doctor aren't you? I'm sorry to use these words but think of me as a consultant or as a doctor. You only lose your virginity if you sleep with a man. Isn't it?

Okay but what about being touched as a child?

Touched. You stand in a bus you get touched isn't that right and he began to laugh. If i stand in a bus people will touch me. It means it's not abuse. To be touched in the wrong way. You haven't been raped or something. Isn't it?

Yeah, no.

Yea so that's one thing good. She used you or touched you/ whatever she did. The main thing is that it was a female. So still you're pure. Do you understand?

Yea.

You can put it down that way. I don't know how you think about things. Nothing can be done about it but what needs to be done is important. I don't think you need therapy.

start reading X.

Are you crying?

Any reason why?

I don't even know you but I know you're a lovely person from your display pic? That lego?

Yea

You'll be okay. Don't worry.

How old are you?

29.

"That's a good age. I have an 18 year old who says I'm the best dad. A 30 year old who says dad you're amazing".

LonesomeTonight · Jun 29, 2021 at 07:21 AM

Ugh, Lemon, I'm so sorry. That sounds incredibly invalidating.

Mountaindewed · Jun 29, 2021 at 03:07 PM

I thought about old old T for a bit today. But it wasn’t bad. I keep looking at new T’s online profile though. I hope she works out. I’m not expecting a miracle worker like I did with the last one that everyone else thought would be perfect for me too. I’m much more wary now. But I still need to see someone.

daisydid · Jun 29, 2021 at 04:05 PM

I don’t know why I don’t trust you. I was inches away from completely losing it today, but I just couldn’t. Or maybe it’s that I don’t trust myself to be able to handle this. I don’t know what to do with all of this. I’m sad and angry at the same time. This hurts so much…

ArtieTheSequal · Jun 29, 2021 at 04:39 PM

omg lemoncake. i'm so sorry. that sounds terribly invalidating and just generally pretty awful.

velcro003 · Jun 29, 2021 at 05:23 PM

i really hope your H is okay. it just bad timing with you being out next week, too. oh well, guess i gotta buckle up my big girl boots 😢

ArtieTheSequal · Jun 29, 2021 at 07:58 PM

I'm thinking a lot this evening about how surprised you seemed last time when I told you that I'm about to turn 59. I was 49 when I started seeing you. Almost 10 years we've been doing this. 10 years. That just blows my mind, you know? And our relationship is changing again, I feel it. What does it all mean?

You know I will always love you.

LostOnTheTrail · Jun 30, 2021 at 02:05 AM

There's a big meeting today at work. I'm not required to attend, but I am still heavily impacted by whatever decision is taken.

I find it weird that they've decided to keep most meetings on Zoom, and yet this one really matters, and they've decided to do it in person.

That said, I doubt I could keep my composure, so maybe it is a blessing that I won't be needed.

Mountaindewed · Jun 30, 2021 at 06:08 AM

I asked a T one time what her favorite song was and she said “I’m not going to tell you because then you’d listen to it nonstop.” It was a *****y comment but I give her credit for seeing through my bull ****.

New T I honestly don’t know what to expect from you. If I’m just going by your profile you look nice. But if you can help me, I’m not sure about that.

Waterbear · Jun 30, 2021 at 06:11 AM

Dear T, I bought a picture book which I think I would like you to read me when we meet again. Just to sit and listen to your voice. I have managed to calm myself as much as I possibly can, but because this involved you, I think I need your help to calm the rest, if that makes sense. I'm looking forward to seeing you, it can't come soon enough for me.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

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Glittering Member Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Somewhere else Posts: 119 6 73 hugs given	Jun 28, 2021 at 04:58 AM #722 46 days since the session I left. Not that I’m counting….

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,763 (SuperPoster!) 9 75k hugs given	Jun 28, 2021 at 05:20 AM #723 Dear T, Please be supportive and understanding today. Don't be like Friday. OK? And no lectures on why you need to push me. Because I know. Love, LT

Beth catches the flowers Member Since Jul 2019 Location: Downtown Vibes, California Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!) 4 23.7k hugs given	Jun 28, 2021 at 10:24 AM #726 I hope I feel more successful in therapy when we start meeting in person next week (finally!). __________________

comrademoomoo Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: Toodlepip Posts: 1,714 5	Jun 28, 2021 at 02:02 PM #727 The therapists I have had contact with so far have been a whole lot more civil than you. I wonder if you realise that being a $hithead is not an integral part of your job.

Waterbear Magnate Member Since Feb 2016 Location: England Posts: 2,408 8 1,316 hugs given	Jun 28, 2021 at 05:06 PM #730 Dear Old T, Thank you for suggesting I just ask the question. I did, and it was ok. Thank you for being there when I needed it. Thank you for being you. Dear T, I'm glad you are coming back. See you in a couple of weeks, Me x

LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,763 (SuperPoster!) 9 75k hugs given	Jun 29, 2021 at 07:21 AM #732 Ugh, Lemon, I'm so sorry. That sounds incredibly invalidating.

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,217 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,773 hugs given	Jun 29, 2021 at 03:07 PM #733 I thought about old old T for a bit today. But it wasn’t bad. I keep looking at new T’s online profile though. I hope she works out. I’m not expecting a miracle worker like I did with the last one that everyone else thought would be perfect for me too. I’m much more wary now. But I still need to see someone. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

daisydid Member Member Since Oct 2018 Location: the astral plane Posts: 493 5 375 hugs given	Jun 29, 2021 at 04:05 PM #734 I don’t know why I don’t trust you. I was inches away from completely losing it today, but I just couldn’t. Or maybe it’s that I don’t trust myself to be able to handle this. I don’t know what to do with all of this. I’m sad and angry at the same time. This hurts so much…

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,238 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,772 hugs given	Jun 29, 2021 at 04:39 PM #735 omg lemoncake. i'm so sorry. that sounds terribly invalidating and just generally pretty awful.

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Jun 29, 2021 at 05:23 PM #736 i really hope your H is okay. it just bad timing with you being out next week, too. oh well, guess i gotta buckle up my big girl boots 😢

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,238 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,772 hugs given	Jun 29, 2021 at 07:58 PM #737 I'm thinking a lot this evening about how surprised you seemed last time when I told you that I'm about to turn 59. I was 49 when I started seeing you. Almost 10 years we've been doing this. 10 years. That just blows my mind, you know? And our relationship is changing again, I feel it. What does it all mean? You know I will always love you.

Waterbear Magnate Member Since Feb 2016 Location: England Posts: 2,408 8 1,316 hugs given	Jun 30, 2021 at 06:11 AM #740 Dear T, I bought a picture book which I think I would like you to read me when we meet again. Just to sit and listen to your voice. I have managed to calm myself as much as I possibly can, but because this involved you, I think I need your help to calm the rest, if that makes sense. I'm looking forward to seeing you, it can't come soon enough for me.