Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Dear R (backup T),
Sorry if that email was sort of harsh and formal, but I really did feel pressured into agreeing to let you talk to Dr. T today. I don't understand why it's so important you say something to him about it. Yes, I was talking to you about him, but I was trying to figure out how to approach some of that stuff with him. Not for you to tell him. I worry you may not be willing to work with me again after I revoke that, but maybe it's for the best?

-LT

T should say, "You're in a difficult place, but if we work together you can go somewhere better."

I'm not sure what else I can say Just waiting. Trying to live.

I’m seriously starting to forget transference t and I’m trying to claw my way out of these thoughts and feelings. Even though it isn’t working. Like I don’t want to forget her. but I go hours without thinking of her and when I do the thoughts just float away like clouds and I think of other things. But I don’t want her to turn into all those other people I dealt with in my life who I don’t think about anymore. I feel like transference T was different then the others. But I felt at the moment they were all different when they were really all the same. Just helpful people at that moment in my life. But honestly I have so much stuff going on now I just can’t be focused on someone I haven’t seen in 5 months.

It was really tough for 5 months but my spirt wants to move on and I think I am finally succeeding in it. But why do I still feel sad that I’ve moved on?

Like I literally forgot about her as I was typing that because something in my house smells really badly and I was laughing about that in the middle of writing that last post. So I really am not thinking of her much.

I am pretty certain that she will want me to read it out loud, while she reads along (so certain that I printed her a copy too). Which sucks because it's 6 pages now! It will likely take 2 or 3 sessions to get through it all.

Tuesday is coming. I have a lot to look forward to whilst you are away, and also a lot to hold. I hope I can tell my truth about the reality of all this.

Matt Haig wrote: 'Getting published doesn't alter your brain chemistry.'

Nor does a forthcoming party or a CD reissue. Those things are pockets of relief. I hope I can allow them to be so.

Dear Old T,

You have an uncanny knack of making me feel deeply cared for, and for making me believe that it will be ok in the end. Despite the fact that we cannot work together, have never really been able to work together for logistical reasons, I am so very, very grateful to have you in my life.

You speak so beautifully to both me as the adult and to those very hurt and scared parts of me.

Thank you

Wow, L. Just, wow. That was an amazing session. Thank you for sharing what you did. I do like thinking of you in that role very much. Let's talk more about it next week.

And also we can talk about scheduling for August, minus the Friday I'll be out of town.

Dear K,

Why? I just need to know why. What happened in that session. What did I say or do that prompted that decision from you? What was going through your mind at the time? Why?

You said thank you for understanding, but the thing is I really don't. I really don't understand. It doesn't make any sense.

I had that thing this morning, where you wake up from sleep and for the first minute or two you feel peace. Like all is well with the world. And then you remember. You remember that actually it has been turned on its head.

Dear T,
This has seriously felt like the longest 10-day stretch ever, and I'm still somehow only on day 8. The thing on Tuesday really messed me up in some ways because I felt awful the next couple days, so didn't want to leave the house or do much, which would have helped time pass faster. Session with R helped slightly, but then I felt guilty about some of what we discussed, maybe because of her reactions to some of it? I should have just talked to her about Tuesday the whole time instead of partly about you. Oh, and your email Wednesday helped as well.

I also should have planned stuff for this weekend, like a date night with H, but the way it worked out, my parents are out of town, and the other two grandparents already had watched D at some point this week. I'm glad the three of us managed to go out last night, at least, and then sat outside some at home. I suppose there's nothing to keep me from going someplace for a bit tomorrow, if H is OK with it. Even if it's just for an hour or something.

And of course I'm worried you'll change your mind about in person, either push it back indefinitely due to slightly rising numbers in our county (even though it's still really low). Or that you'll have had a possible exposure on vacation and would at least push it back a couple weeks (which of course I'd understand). Though if we can at least meet virtually, that will be something. I just have this fear that you'll end up having to cancel entirely (or I will) for some reason), and then it will be even longer. Plus, I have that other test Tuesday, which isn't generally that big of a deal to me, but I worry it will feel traumatic after this last one...

I just really miss you and want to talk to you...

Love,
LT

I have a lot to talk to you about on Monday. And I think you have stuff to tell me too. I am not comfortable emailing you unless you tell me to. Or like when I had a scheduling question. I am kinda putting in my own boundaries with emails after the emails got out of control with my old therapist.

But you feel different then she did but you ask the same questions that she’d ask. but when you ask them I’m ok with them and I just answer them. When she would ask them I’d almost flood my basement. But when you ask them I just answer them and I am honestly not turned on by you at all. Even though you are pretty and young. I think my attraction to my old T and not being attracted to you is why the emails aren’t a big deal with you.

Dear Info,

I found myself thinking about you earlier today and wondering if you’ll ever find another life partner. It would be so sad if you didn’t.

ATAT

Hi T. Tuesday is approaching and I am trying to keep the feelings of how I felt after session/the rest of the week in my head. the olympics are a great distractor.

Hey L. My brain just came up with a question that has a not-appealing-at-all possible answer, re: that one thing we talked about yesterday. I pray that the answer is yes.

eta: I'm also kicking myself for not thinking of this question yesterday when you told me the thing!! Now I have to sit with it all dang week!

But. That's okay, actually. I can hold it, just like I held the other stuff all last week. I've already started thinking about what if you can't and have written half a page about my feelings around that. Will write more tomorrow, probably.


Bottom line is: I trust you. No matter what the answer, I trust that we will work it out. Somehow.

Oh and... I really wanted a hug yesterday. I almost turned around and asked. Almost. But it's been what, a year and a half since we hugged after a session? Maybe I'll just tell you next week and we can talk about it. Because while I miss our hugs a lot, part of me thinks maybe it has actually been good for me not getting them anymore. I don't know. Yeah, let's talk about that too.

Thank you for replying CE.

Two more sleeps. Steve was somebody who modelled 'doing recovery well', if there is such a thing. That act is the opposite. The absolute opposite.

I’ve lost 8 pounds total since we first started meeting 3 weeks ago. 2 since last week. I’m not sure if tomorrow when I weigh myself if I’ll be any lower. You never seem to show much reaction when I tell you things. I can’t tell if you just don’t notice them or just aren’t saying anything. I honestly can’t even remember how our conversation escalated to “I need to switch you to someone who works with ED people” because I don’t think I mentioned my 6 pound weight loss to you. I honestly don’t remember mentioning anything at all about food. I just remember saying that some people think I may have an ED Which makes me think your switching me mostly because I’m trans and you don’t want me to know that. Well Tamar, I kinda have figured that out.

dear t: i still am a little confounded that you didn’t bring up the breakdown phone call last week. I know I called at a busy time, but it was close to a 15 min conversation. Does one forget that? Especially as a T who remembers pretty much everything.

It’s such a topic of shame for me, money. and to be scammed out of so much. maybe that totally changes what you think of me as a person. It is one thing if i was struggling between paychecks, and you offer a sliding scale . me not to pay my co-pay for a little bit.

i dont know what i want to say.

i know i had a **** ton of money taken out bc cats, and now it is just a waiting game to see if i can get the money refunded. what if it doesn’t get approved? then we will really have to figure this out.but im scared

You know about my passion for George Harrison, of course.

I've found some comfort in this version of , which was John's song.

In my world, loss eventually gives rise to creativity, but that isn't happening yet.


I need to let myself feel this, and I'm terrified to do so.

Dear T,
Sorry to send the email, but I just wanted to make sure we're still on for meeting in person today. It would have been different if last week had been a normal week, as I'd have confirmed with you Friday. But because you were away, we haven't discussed that since two Fridays ago, and I worry you could have changed your mind about resuming in person. The last thing I want to do is drive to your office, be in the waiting room, then get a text with the Zoom code on my phone... I mean, I could meet you with Facetime from my car, but I don't want to drive over there and mentally prepare myself for in person, only to find out it's not, and you thought you'd told me or had forgotten I changed to wanting to meet in person today instead of waiting until Wednesday.

Love,
LT

Please come back. I don't want a new T. I want you. These people don't know me. These people don't realise that I don't talk. These people won't be able to work like we did. These people won't hold my hand. THESE PEOPLE AREN'T YOU!!!!!

Hey L! I feel like I'm gonna have a lot to share with you again this week. I had an action-required dream this morning, to read Rudyard Kipling, so I found his 'complete works' on kindle and will start later today with reading Just So Stories, since I know I've read that before (as a kid). After I finish that, I'll think/write some about why psyche gave me this instruction. Then will read something else from it and do the same. Egads I love dream work.


Also, I feel like I've finally and truly grabbed the reigns here; I don't think you have to worry about me doing what you said had made you cranky (not that I could tell!) anymore. It's an awesome feeling, I must admit.