Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get a response to that question. I'm trying to be okay with that, and just know we'll talk about it next week.

Dear T,
That made me cry. In a good way. And I appreciate your adding the stuff about my being a good person and your feeling optimistic for my future. And, well, all of it really.

Love,
LT

I still want to email you. I have no idea what I want to say, but there must be something, or I wouldn't feel such a need to communicate with you.

Next week is going to be interesting.

Dear T,
For some reason, your comment of "You are a good person" is particularly affecting me. Maybe because I never really heard that from my parents? I think we need to discuss that Monday. Because that's the point where I tend to start tearing up reading your email. So it means something.

Love,
LT

Hey R,

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

You seem to understand very well about sensory issues. You asked me if you could email old T about my sensory coping skills I am uncomfortable telling you about right now and I said yeah. I’ll have her explain them to you.

I really need to talk with you tomorrow. I don't know what's wrong this week-end, but I need tomorrow's session desperately.

yeah if i could stop obsessively checking my email that would be fabulous. i know 100% that you're not going to respond, and yet i keep picking up my phone every 5 minutes.

Hey T,
If a client emails you over the weekend saying that the last session made them feel angry and hurt and it triggered abandonment and rejection then you know what would help? TO REPLY TO THE EMAIL. You know what would make it worse? To just completely ignore the client and don’t bother replying. So why the hell am I still sat here checking my emails every 5 minutes. Don’t bother pretending that you care anymore, I know you want rid of me.

Dear T,
Good session today. But that one moment when I started crying again around the half hour mark when we were talking about my mom? I'm sure you assumed that was about my mom. But it was actually because I was looking at the couch in your office and suddenly really missing being there. (And even when I go back, I won't be able to sit on the couch for a while because of COVID, because it's too close to your chair--wonder if you'd maybe let me sit at the other end of the couch?).

But we were talking about an important thing, and it felt weird to suddenly be like "I miss your office." I'm guessing this is the case that we've talking about with the pandemic in general, where we're sort of (fingers crossed) nearing the home stretch toward vaccines (and then meeting in person again), so it feels like time is going extra slowly.

Also, I'm glad you didn't back-pedal at all on what you said in the email (and that you mentioned you took time to think about what to say to me in it), that you didn't appear to wince when I mentioned tearing up reading it, and that you were open to discussing why the "you're a good person" affected me like it did. I need to think on that more...along with lots of other things.


Love,
LT

Drove by old T’s office this morning. Not on purpose. Kinda freaked out. It will be a month tomorrow since our last session. I do not understand why it’s not getting easier. It gets better and then it just hits me again. I’ve met with new T twice. I act the same way with her that I acted with old T. She’s basically like old T. I think they both do the same type of therapy. New T said she’s going to do CBT with me and it’s basically the same as what old T did. But why can’t I get over old T? It hurts so ****ing much right now.

You gave your all during our session, which I so much appreciate. It was me who couldn't click in. I felt like I was whining the whole time.

idont'wanttobedependentonyouagainidon'tistillloveyouitsokifiloveyouaslongasi'mnotalldependentagainandi'mgoingtogetthatwayifyoudon'tletuscontinueevery2weeksthepartofmethatwantsweeklycanshutthe****up

Ahhhh I know that wasn't the point of the post but where is that key from. I like it.

Oh L, how I hate it when I feel this way! I have this stupid urge to call you even. I don't know if you'd answer at this time of day and I shouldn't need your reassurance at this point anyway, for heaven's sake. What is wrong with me?! I think I'll have a glass of wine and go crochet now.

eta: Nope, scratch the wine. It will just make me more depressed feeling. I should have called you. Now it's for sure too late. Oh well. I'll see you Friday.

You lied. You said it was ok to make slow progress, that you would be with me every step of the way but it isn't and you you won't. We only have two sessions left and then I am on my own.

One month ago was my last session with old T. And this is actually the best in a week that I’ve been doing with my thoughts about her. Maybe it’s like what the nurse said after I had my surgery, that I won’t really start to feel better until I hit that one month mark. I’m also incredibly ****ed up on a sleeping med and also dealing with other things today. But the majority of my therapy thoughts today have been regarding my new T. So I think it’s an improvement.

Wtf is wrong with me?!

I felt wretched much of today, L. As down as I can remember feeling in a very long time. It's kind of passed now, knowing I'm heading to bed to escape into sleep. I'm so overwhelmed by life rn. My head feels like it's full of fog. I don't want to need you but damn it, I do. 2 more work days then I see you on Friday.