Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Oh L, how I hate it when I feel this way! I have this stupid urge to call you even. I don't know if you'd answer at this time of day and I shouldn't need your reassurance at this point anyway, for heaven's sake. What is wrong with me?! I think I'll have a glass of wine and go crochet now.

eta: Nope, scratch the wine. It will just make me more depressed feeling. I should have called you. Now it's for sure too late. Oh well. I'll see you Friday.

You lied. You said it was ok to make slow progress, that you would be with me every step of the way but it isn't and you you won't. We only have two sessions left and then I am on my own.

One month ago was my last session with old T. And this is actually the best in a week that I’ve been doing with my thoughts about her. Maybe it’s like what the nurse said after I had my surgery, that I won’t really start to feel better until I hit that one month mark. I’m also incredibly ****ed up on a sleeping med and also dealing with other things today. But the majority of my therapy thoughts today have been regarding my new T. So I think it’s an improvement.

Wtf is wrong with me?!

I felt wretched much of today, L. As down as I can remember feeling in a very long time. It's kind of passed now, knowing I'm heading to bed to escape into sleep. I'm so overwhelmed by life rn. My head feels like it's full of fog. I don't want to need you but damn it, I do. 2 more work days then I see you on Friday.

Therapy is so hard and painful and frustrating and exhausting and triggering. If it wasn't for it also being helpful, i'd have left years ago. I still wish you could adopt me, but i guess i have to settle for 90mins a week of your time and attention (+ emails). I wonder if it'll ever feel enough? See you tomorrow.

I am not going to say this very often so don't get used to it or anything, but you are heart-shiftingly lovely. A better woman than I would know how to tell you directly, but for now, I will tell it to the internet.

I’m wondering why you didn’t reply to my email; I wasn’t hugely expecting a response since I said maybe we could talk about it Friday, but I did feel a little abandoned today when I still didn’t see an email from you. I kind of started thinking maybe what I emailed about was already indirectly covered in a previous session, which made me feel like I should have known better than bring it up again - not because you’d get annoyed, but because it’s a ‘side effect’ of sorts from my issues - but now I’m just going to wait and see what, if anything, you say about it on Friday, because I don’t want to bug you about it.

i wish tomorrow was friday.

love, artie mcneedypants.

...and just like that, tomorrow is Friday! the melatonin worked and i slept all night. See you tomorrow. love, still-artie-mcneedypants.

Another good week in which to text appt reminder today instead of waiting til tomorrow...

love, your sadly-still-needy-mcneedypants-biggest-pain-in-the-butt-client!

Ugh, L. I just had to handle an extremely unpleasant phone call at work. It was definitely above my pay grade to have to listen to the anger and ire. I tried my best during it to picture myself sitting in your office, with your candle burning and some incense too, tried to picture you cheering me on, but it didn't really work. I am feeling too fragile right now to have had to deal with that phone call. But I made it through. I only cried a tiny bit before I got that under control, I empathized as best I could, I apologized my *** off, etc. I will be okay until I see you tomorrow.

But have lots of kleenex handy. I will likely be bawling for the entire hour.

I'm back in work after almost 3 months...and everyone I worked with before I was off sick has left without telling me. Things have changed but no one has told me what. Why am I so easy to ignore or abandon? I feel awful.

i hate feeling so fragile

suddenly my idiot brain is telling me that we aren't scheduled for today after all. ugh. usually your reminder texts are around 10 or 10:30 so i'll wait and if i don't hear anything by 10:30 i'll text you. it's only an hour. I can wait. right?

...and if we're not scheduled then I hope you can get me in anyway. pretty please?

Glimmers of hope are becoming more visible and I am thankful. This is not for the faint of heart. Attempting fortitude.

Well that was the biggest sigh of relief ever upon receiving a text. Thank you.

Please don't do some sudden about-faces today. I am fragile, feeling broken, and cannot handle anything but your usual warm t self. Please.

i feel like texting you a warning: caution, handle with care, extremely needy client en route.

Dear T,
Thanks for being really supportive today. I had this other stuff I was possibly going to bring up, but you were right in picking up on the agoraphobia being what we needed to address. I appreciate that your aim is to hold me accountable on some level without pushing me too hard. Your comment on "I will do my very best not to shame you" meant something to me. A couple years ago, I'd have thought "why not just say you won't shame me?" But I know you can't guarantee how I'll feel in response to your words. That all you can do is your best.


On a more random note, I sort of hope you continue the occasional casual attire once in-person resumes. Your wearing a short-sleeve henley tee made me feel more relaxed and open today, I think. Or maybe you were just sending out a more relaxed and chill vibe because you were at home instead of your office, and I picked up on that? Or something about seeing you in the morning instead of afternoon... It's funny, at first I kind of struggled with seeing you at your house. But now I feel like I'll miss seeing you there at times, once we're back in person. But maybe you'll still be there sometimes, in bad weather, or if you aren't feeling 100%, or if you only have a couple appointments that day then are heading to something else. I suppose at some point maybe I should ask what room that is...


Love,
LT

Sometimes I say I am ok when I am not .i am acting because I wanna get well .I was not only feeling more clever Iwhen I was having manic episodes really I was more clever on those days but I was just distracted but did I miss those days.Noo I haven’t forgotten someone who broke my heart 5 years ago but I am lying about that to everyone.

The article you sent to me is fascinating. I've been trying to answer you by email, but this damned depression is choking me all up. Will take more AD tonight and hope I can email you tomorrow. (I guess I just wrote my email here, haha.)

thanks for today t. so much. i'll get through this, this, whatever it is. see you next week.

p.s. I'm glad you could, too.