Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

HUGS Lemoncake

This is the first time in 2 years I've cancelled an appointment. I just wasn't feeling it today...having to set up to do a teletherapy session, then hear the same repetitive stuff. I hope I feel more of a motivation to continue with therapy when we start meeting in person.

Thanks so much for today. That's one session I will be holding in my heart for a long time; there was magic in the air today, wasn't there?

I don't know how to do this. There seems to be no movement.

Old T got really upset about my eating habits and was always threatening to send me IP. She was actually always threatening to send me IP for whatever thing she thought I was doing that was unhealthy. That was how a few of our ruptures happened. New T is super skinny. I asked her if she was anorexic because she’s so skinny. She told me no that she’s only 5 pounds underweight. She told me what her weight was too and it seemed a lot more then just 5 pounds I don’t know if I should feel triggered by how skinny she is since I’m fighting my own demons. But I’m not going back to her anyways so I’m not sure I should even care.

Oh and by the way L, I did hear that one thing you said yesterday. But I'm not sure I'm strong enough for that, y'know? I mean how does one even know when they are strong enough for that part of this work? Mine's big. Granted, not as big as it used to be, this I know. But... still not sure I'm strong enough to really face it down as a whole, you know? Anyway, I just ordered a book on Amazon about this part of the work that I should get tomorrow so will try to have it read before we meet again in 2 weeks.

I thought you were just being weird when you suggested I go out for ice cream. But I did tonight and it actually did make a difference. So you actually were right for once.

thinking about thursday, and what will be said. I feel stuck in the usuall things. I feel that you dont care to hear that I started drinking or smoking cigs. (in a way cigs is eventually going to turn to self harm) but I really dont care to tell you. Is it my mood or is this really the same old stuck crap i go through in a big cycle. Seem to be still hung up on your move, still get very upset about it. 47 and i cant get my **** together ! Just a teenager all angry because you moved. I know it has reenacted a move of a best friend when I was 16. Still should not be still sobbing over it, to the point of getting a drink and smoking cigs. really?? so disappointed in myself. I feel like it wont matter to talk about it with you. its the same ****. I will continue to be in my stuck rut i guess. Wish i had a good close friend, and not only you. I think that I am so into my ways that maybe its time to call it quits. maybe you or really no one will beable to help me, right now thinking...maybe I dont want it anymore. I get frusterated with you when you ask me the same questions and I am so dissociated. whatever right??

I email as a bid for connection and just end up hurt and feeling unheard when you don't reply. I'm trying to stop emailing. Too much pain as you're not consistent.

Accepting what I'm going through at the moment is hard. This is the first time I've experienced this kind of loss, and...the thing is, I knew him well enough to understand why, but understanding why doesn't make a bit of difference. When someone writes that eloquently about 'it'...a different it this time, but still an unspeakable thing...

Four letter word, four letter word, four letter word.

Hugs if wanted, Lemoncake. I get how painful that is - one of the biggest causes of ruptures with my T is over email contact and my expectations too.

Ah T,

I know our 2nd last rupture, I said you can't understand what it's like to be someone with complex developmental trauma. You didn't like that. I think you understand it from lots of patients, but then it still doesn't mean you understand viscerally from lived experience.

And then our last rupture which still really hurts, is about you choosing not to reply to that vulnerable email. At least you owned that you did see and read it and chose not to respond. As I tried to give you the benefit of doubt that maybe you didn't see it, maybe you forgot.

You've never liked the degree I seek reassurance, I know. You get frustrated, say others will too. I understand and am trying to stop, trying to stop.

It really hurts though, incredibly so. Some within me want us to quit therapy. It's just too much pain at times.

Maybe we got it all wrong, and it's not okay to make bids for connection over email.

Ouch. The leader of the workshop I have been participating in today made a general comment, and it poked the thing that is currently 'right there' for me.

I know I usually find it hard to look at you, but at this moment, looking at you is all I have. I am going to need you to double down on the 'I'm here'.

Now, if only I could actually ask you to do so.

Can you read? I have already explained that I don't want to meet for a few weeks and that I need go slowly, partly because I am so hurt and partly because you are a £ucking liability. So no, you absolute bampot, I don't want to meet this week. Whilst I relish the experience of you chasing me, I won't be seduced by the fact that you want to meet. Asserting your desire is rather distasteful, given that part of this rupture is about your needs marginalising mine. Have another whisky and reflect on what's happening before you email me again.

I miss you. I miss you so much I feel like my heart is broke in to a million pieces and can never be repaired. The thought of never seeing you again, never speaking to you again is killing me. I just want to email you and beg you to reconsider but knowing that you didn’t actually like me as a person means I know it would be pointless as you were relieved to get rid of me. I tried so hard to be a good client, to get it right, to ensure you liked working with me but I failed. I’m just too bad, toxic and evil for anyone to ever truly care about me. How do I move on? How do I stop this deep all consuming pain? I just want to go back in time and change things. I can’t stand this.

Hey L I got the book a little bit ago and already started reading on my lunch break. It is already sounding fascinating and I've only read a little bit of the introduction. Can't wait to get into the actual chapters. And to start talking about all of this with you on 7/2. Am I ready for this?!

Ha. You probably mentioned it on purpose again Friday, knowing full well that I would start researching it on my own.

oh oh oh and I had a dream last night that I'm excited to do some work with. It is just begging for an Active Imagination. That one, and I know I still need to do one with the recent Grandma dream. I promise I will! Soon! Maybe this afternoon after work if I don't go to the gym. It's so blasted hot outside rn I don't want to leave my house.

Hi T, thanks for letting me see you in-person this week despite our every other week deal. I know it is important for me to talk about my reaction after last session with you, and it probably should be in person even though it will make me super anxious.

I wonder if I stay with you, Info, because I’m too depressed to find an alternative?