Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

Hey T. You really are the best. I don’t really agree with not paying you right now, but I do appreciate it. Also, thanks for asking to text you Jack’s test results tomorrow.

Disappointed. Encore.
Disillusioned. Once more.

New T I really wanted to email you today.

Transference T I haven’t seen you yet. But I’ve only been to the beach I haven’t been to any stores.

After the past couple of sessions, I haven't had the wherewithal to take notes.

That leaves me wondering where we were. I think we definitely need to talk about anger as it relates to Steve's death.

Wow T, what a week. And its only Wednesday. Thank you SO much for calling me back so quickly tonight and talking to me even though you were at your kids' swim meet. What would I do without you?

Thanks for sticking with my pinball machine analogy. I'm glad it came out right eventually - I was going to say 'ping pong machine' at first, then had a 'Wait a minute' moment.

I want to send you a photo of Steve. It's not my picture, of course, but it highlights the absurdity of this situation. Begs the question, though - if a loving family and a miniature pig aren't good enough reasons to stay...what is?

Steve actually set out the way I'd like to deal with this in his book, but losing my **** doesn't look good on me. I am desperately seeking a way to get this out. Piling food on top of it just buries it deeper.

While I'm at it - what the hell was that religious rant earlier? You're not somebody that I would think about having a conversation about the nature of God with.

Hey L. So looking forward to tomorrow. I am bringing with me 7 dreams and the work I did with them including a couple of drawings. There's really only 2 I want to delve into deeper, so that shouldn't be a problem. Although we have a lot to live up to after my session 2 weeks ago, huh!! Gosh this work sure gets a hold of me sometimes.

I feel like I’m not in therapy. Since I’ve had one session in 4 weeks and I still have another 1.5 weeks before I have another session. I felt like emailing you the other night. Now I’m ok. But I miss transference T today.

I regret that I had to cancel our session today. I just couldn't see handling a session while trying to get moved into the new apartment by Saturday. But now I won't see you until Monday, which may be not se good. I'm feeling anxious...hope it passes, or at least decreases.

3 months and counting since I last got to see and talk to you 😔 I feel so far away from you! I hate this whole situation!

Dear T,
Sorry for the sobbing patheticness of the last 10 minutes of the session. Thanks for being compassionate and understanding about it. And for saying you have confidence I'll get through it. And reiterating that you'll be checking/replying to email.

I'll miss you (at least I didn't say that out loud, though it was obvious, but would have felt terribly awkward because of course you wouldn't say you'd miss me, too). But I do genuinely hope you have a fun and relaxing time.
Love,
LT

I found your card with your email in my wallet. I know it’s probably not good to email you plus I’m pretty sure I just need a nap right now instead of your support. I mix up my emotions a lot. I’m sure I’m just tired and worn out from my vacation.

You didn’t respond yet to my email that I sent half an hour ago asking if you had a cancellation for next week. Now I’m catasphroizing and thinking you haven’t responded because I’ve crossed boundaries. When it was technically just a scheduling email and I explained, but probably in more detail then I needed to go into, about why I needed to see you sooner.

You are probably with a client right now though and are probably not avoiding me.

Hey L. How'd you sense that emotion? I had barely started feeling it myself when you mentioned it. I'm still trying to figure out the words for it. Be-ing curious about it. What else can I do. And yes, I can and will hold it, once I figure out the words, so don't worry you won't be getting a long drawn-out, emotionally-laden email! I got this.

And, you don't have to think about 'em between now and next week you know. That's for me to do. Maybe I should have left my little box there for you to "put them in" to hold for now. I'm sorry you felt overwhelmed. Then again, this isn't supposed to be about you, is it.

It's really bothering me that you felt overwhelmed.

Well, you're smarter than your T, so that's bound to happen sometimes.

I dropped the ball today. Well, I dropped the ball a couple of days ago, but I realised today. A colleague asked me to send an email to a few parents advising them of a submission deadline. I said I'd do it on Thursday afternoon (genius move) but only remembered this morning. Critic's awake, and beating me up. Would 5 days be sufficient time for people to submit work?

I don’t have a date yet but I’m hoping you’re free when D sets up our next meeting. It could end up being nothing, as she did say she had no idea what she would find out, but this is one of those rare occasions where I don’t feel it’s a good idea to try and face it alone. And you’re pretty much the only person who I can involve.

I’ve begged for extra sessions, even a 20 minute session before with transference T. But I already asked you if you had a cancellation and you said you didn’t but you’d put me on your cancellation list. I don’t know you so I don’t feel comfortable asking anymore. I guess I’ll just see you a week from Monday and hope I’m not completely off the deep end by then.

Dear T,

What happens if one of us has to self isolate? What happens if one of us gets Covid? What happens if we have another Winter lockdown? What happens if life trips one of us up again? So many 'what ifs' now I know this is time limited

Why did you have to move and how am I supposed to talk to you about it?

Haha CE, thanks for the laugh! I'm a lot of things, but smarter than L is not one of them....

So, L. I decided earlier today that I am going to trust you to take care of yourself and honestly, if you were really all that overwhelmed you would not have asked if I wanted to come next week instead of waiting 2, right?

And, it really doesn't matter a whit to me if you want to have the light on behind you. I'm just so thankful to be back in person, how could I say no I'd rather it be off? Yes, I prefer only the soft natural light from the windows, but seriously - I'm not gonna complain about you wanting a lamp on. Unless you install a spotlight over the couch. That I might have a problem with.

Hi T. I am still so so grateful for you. You really didn't have to call me back so quickly the other night. See you Tuesday!