Couch 226--CCXXVI Couch

Mobius - sympathies. i recently ordered a scroll-y seat. I hope to use it around the house also.

Hugs to all who want.

guys, I just can't let go of the whole "stalking" question. I'm trying to go to sleep early because I have to work 5a-2p this coming week doing live chat, and all my brain keeps doing tonight is telling me that L's going to kick me to the curb on Friday because I told her I look at her psychologytoday.com profile sometimes. I don't know if I should email her to clear things up, or call her tomorrow to try to clear things up, or if i should just pop a couple of melatonin and watch mindless TV til I fall asleep.

Logically I tell myself I did nothing wrong. It's a public web page advertising her services where I found her in the first place before we ever met. She never told me that I'm not allowed to look at it. So, I look at it sometimes when I'm stressed out or having a bad day because reading it makes me feel better, reminds me of stuff I've learned in therapy. Will she think I'm stalking her even more if I call to clarify this mess?!

Goddess, why did I have to open my big stupid mouth?! Because, I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, that's why, and I wanted her to know that the changes she made were good. I am making myself feel terrible. I don't know why I do this to myself. Gah. I need to try to go to sleep.

I think when you first brought up the issue some Couchie said something very wise. Who/what was it?

Also I still don’t know why she couldn’t have been joking.

You didn't do anything wrong! It's a public site she put up voluntarily to advertise her business and get clients to want to come see her.

I think she was using the term stalking colloquially, like others have suggested, and not seriously. If she WAS using it seriously, then she's the one whose boundaries need adjusting and she needs to delete that profile pronto!

I went to my T's website, and looked at her teensy, blurry photo lots of times during the first couple of years. Then I found her on Facebook and, though I cannot friend her, I can still see her profile pic occasionally... although I haven't tried looking in more than a year. Anyway, it's entirely natural to crave that small connection and you are IN NO WAY harming her by looking at her profile.

If you were driving by her house or following her car or finding out where her kids go to school or other things... that would be different. Looking at a website she uses to advertise her services is fine!

Take some melatonin, if you like, but stop beating yourself up. Seriously. If she's got a problem with this, then it's HER problem. It is in no way, shape or form, Artie's problem.

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I just went back and read that part of the couch. I know, she certainly could have been, so I don't know why I'm letting this get to me and why I can't let it go. I've really been trying to let it go but my brain just won't.

Thanks, Mobius. You're right, I know you're right. I cannot imagine that I'm the only client she's ever had that has looked at her profile from time to time. Maybe I'm the only idiot that ever admitted it to her...

Ok I'm going to try going to sleep again. Night couch.

Thats the price of taking responsibility.

I talked to a long lost cousin a while ago, it was kind of random, and like the first thing out of his mouth validated something from my childhood. But it wasnt really happy dance time. I realize now because i have already paid the price of taking responsibility for my feelings regarding the family.

So like yeah, something fell into place, but it didnt decide me. I get the feeling this is "deciding" you. If its true is coming from the outside, not the inside. What else wont you decide for yourself on? For me it was not taking phone calls from my aunt because just even seeing the voicemail transcriptions will trigger me, let alone talking to her. There is always that "will i give in to her iron will and say i love you" at the end. No. No bad language either, but no.

When I understand an una post (or think I do) I always feel like I’ve decoded an ancient palimpsest.

I would liken it to dropping acid. But potato potahto

You're not an idiot.

I was my T's first client to admit I Googled her, I think (thing she said). Or maybe 2nd.

Once I accidentally Instagram called her public Instagram (nothing very personal, mostly food pics, clients are welcome to follow). Cut the call off ASAP, apologised to her next session saying it was an accident and I'm worried she feels stalked.

She told me she didn't consider it stalking and briefly mentioned she did have a client stalk her, and described what constitutes as stalking to her. Basically the client dug out her personal mobile number which she never gave out and repeatedly called at any hours including midnights and wouldn't stop even with T's repeated empathic confrontation. T still worked with her for a while (I think), until the client left of their own accord.

Really triggered even though I know I am safe and that my perpetrator brother doesn't know where I live or my number.

ArtieTheSequal, what did you hear when your therapist asked if you were stalking her? What did you interpret as being her "real" meaning? For example, if my therapist made a "joke" like this, I might hear her saying something like, "I want you to stay away from me because you are repulsive and poisonous". So, the issue to explore would not be whether or not I was stalking her, it would be my feelings of self-disgust which are so consuming that I become unable to accurately hear what someone is saying to me. As such, reassurance from her, from posters here, even from myself, would be pretty meaningless as the root issue is not being addressed.

In my head I guess I hear something like "Omg leave me alone isn't it enough that I have to spend an hour a week with you?"

Artie, I would call or email your T this morning. It would be better to clear it up if she was joking (highly likely!), as opposed to stressing about it until Friday.

You're not an idiot for telling her. I've had varying reactions from T's from telling them about things like that. Ex-MC was mostly OK with me finding his wife's Facebook page, but he asked me to not look at it anymore or search for other pages on Facebok involving her (I now realize it was because she was dying at that time, and he didn't want me to know that). But his wife's Facebook page is a step way beyond looking at his professional website (he isn't on Psychology Today).

Ex-T, meanwhile, was bothered when I said I found her Facebook and some article (in an alumni newsletter about her husband). However, she said she had been stalked by a client in the past, and that's why it made her uncomfortable. And she meant truly stalked, not like looking at her Psychology Today profile. Like this client worked in medical coding/billing and actual looked up ex-T's medical records, which is a huge breach. And I think they did other stuff, too.

And Dr. T had some negative reactions to things I've told him like that, but he's weird about some stuff like that (see: the stone incident, for one, and that was something that *he* gave me). I mean, he was bothered when I mentioned something about where he grew up (like, well, since you grew up in x area of our state) and he asked me how I knew that. I was like, "Um, it's on the front page of your professional website in your bio? That I read when I started seeing you?" He checked later and apologized to me for his reaction. I had also, earlier on, mentioned a thing or two I'd found out from Googling. I've learned just not to tell him about anything like that now.

However, in *none* of those cases did they even come close to suggesting that they would consider terminating me for that. They may have been a bit concerned or bothered, but, as Dr. T would say, "It didn't threaten the relationship." So please just check in with your T about this--she doesn't seem the type that would truly be bothered by it. And if she was, it's likely due to something that happened in her past rather than being about you.

This sounds like your horror at the concept that you want more.

I asked my T why he looked so annoyed in session today and he said, “I’m tired of holding the responsibility for your mental health.” That one stung.

I came back to my BF’s place and looked like I’d been bonked over the head with a 2x4 and he said “try not to think about it, babe.” I tried to explain that therapy is complicated and I can’t just turn off my emotions. I don’t think he really gets it but he cuddled me and made me breakfast I can’t really ask for any more than that.

I know y’all think my T is a c**k s***er and I should yeet him ASAP. I *know*. It’s complicated because I really am much better than I was three years ago and I’m scared that it has to do with him specifically rather than therapy or his particular modality.

I also don’t know what to do about the BF. T says the BF is emotionally stunted, that I’m drawn to emotionally stunted men. I dunno if that’s right or not.

How do y’all explain the intensity of therapy to someone who has never been in it?

Does my BF just not experience intense feelings???

Not everyone does things the same way. I experience intense emotion but not in the way you all describe it. It is not me to do it that way. When I experience it, it is personal. I have no need to yammer on about it or obsess over it or tell others about it - that does not help me -usually that makes things much much worse for me. I have it and I go on. I hired therapists and I don't understand 99% of what people on this site describe.
I don't think trying to change someone to emote the way you want them to is going to be all that successful most of the time.
Women who are attracted to me are often attracted to my emotional stodginess and I am attracted to their more (in my view how I would experience it if was me) out of control emotionalism. On both sides there can then become challenges - for them it is "why don't you ever be emotional" and the resulting conflict can become the emotional reward and for me it is oh good god this again? and I go through motions or walk away. Sometimes, like with my person, we figure out how to love each other anyway. Sometimes we both decide to quit. Sometimes just one of us decides to quit. Sometimes we become friends instead of lovers.

Something to think about for sure. Thank you.