Couch 226--CCXXVI Couch

Ugh - sounds awful

Thank you. I appreciate that so very much!

Hugs to any who wants one.

Yesterday in my lgbtq group, there was a discussion which was being dominated by a cishet guy (I really wished the main facilitator never let this guy in for some reasons) who was very dismissive of transphobia by a public figure. He basically said trans people ought to put aside hurt and anger, not "be offended" and "be rational" and engage in dialogue. And that we're somehow not rational if we get upset.

He proceeded to claim that because he's autistic "I don't understand emotional harm".

(Autistic people have empathy and compassion. We've other autistics members who aren't being a giant jerk.)

One trans person and myself (trans) offered our views as "trans allies" because we felt too unsafe to out ourselves as trans.

I pointed out (among other things):

"It's a lot easier to "be rational" when something doesn't affect you in major ways.

I don't always understand how something can emotionally harm, but I listen to find out or ask respectful questions. Something might seem "irrational" to me, but is very much a "rational emotion" to the person affected."

The discussion was getting heated and multiple people privately messaged me and the other facilitators to express deep discomfort. So our main facilitator tried to tell that person why his comments are dismissive. But he got really incredibly angry very quickly, started cursing and then made a threat. He was then removed from the group and bombarded said facilitator with angry messages.

Really rattled by that.

Ok, I'm very not ok.

Really jumpy (see previous post) and have been unable to calm down for several hours despite every coping skill. No warm lines here and not suicidal so don't want to call suicide line. Can't really talk to a offline friend about it, nor my abuse support group (don't want to detail why).

Don't feel I can email T.

After her email stating I was harsh and that it could trigger defensiveness in people, I did reply with an apology. As she'd asked what brought on my anger, I included the triggering events. 3 days and no reply, which is OK I know... she only replies to some emails but I'm afraid she's angry with me. She does have a lot of patients though.

The most recent trigger is yesterday and I don't feel I should email. She'll probably just tell me to use coping skills which I'm already using.

I just feel alone and pathetic.

Small ways I know I have made real progress. The building people usually turn up every year or so without notice asking to check something. They knocked this morning and I didn't freak out about it. I let them in, closed the other door and left them to it to check the main door. (Hinges, if it still locks etc )

Have you tried splashing cold water onto your face or holding your breath and submerging your face into a bucket.

Can you walk around in your flat?

I found EFT tapping helpful too.



It might sound woo but I always used to play this:

Cheers! Hugs.

Will try the video now, thank you. At the moment, I'm struggling to eat my meal.

Maybe try not to force yourself. Eat as much as you can then you can come back to it in a bit.

The video helped me enough for me to finish my food. Thank you.

Previously I'd cooked a large batch of rice, so after the video, it had cooled down enough so I could portion it up to freeze (for fried rice on later days).

I'll try to watch this anime show -- "heaven's design team" -- which I find funny. And try to keep as busy as possible.

Thanks for your support last night, friends.

R replied to my email this morning, and we are all set for Tuesday instead.

Bleep. Bad memory. Something really small relative to everything else but it's so sad.

Have you watched Ouran high school? I always thought it was super cute. What about the Sailor moon or Cardcaptors?

Oh wow, as a teen, I did watch Ouran High School in secret. Don't know if I should rewatch because while I loved it, stuff from that period of my life can kick me into intense dysregulation.

Wasn't allowed to watch Sailor Moon when younger, I'll check it out.

Cardcaptors looks interesting! Thanks.

Don't take the risk of emotional disregulation.

S Moon is worth watching just for Tuxedo Mask!!



There's also the huge Pokemon and Digimon series.

Hallmark movies are 100% predictable, but super cute. You can watch some on youtube too.

I watched 50% of Jenny's wedding on Amazon Prime yesterday- all about being true to yourself.

Dr. T's understatement of the year (in introducing a point he was making), "You've been through a lot of counseling, so...."

I sent T a reminder for my appointment tomorrow. I sort of feel like the responsibility is reversed. I'm always reminding her of my appointments. It's okay it's just sort of comical. She hasn't replied yet.

Had a frustrating encounter with a coworker. I don't know why I let myself get frustrated by him. He does it to me all the time. It's like he enjoys getting under my skin. I want to like overreact to him so I have to watch my breathing and still take a firm tone with him otherwise he doesn't get stuff done that I need him to do. It's been about an hour and a half and I'm still frustrated with him. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

I feel really bad. Session this morning with T was crappy. BF and I are going camping this weekend but the weather is going to be abysmal. For no reason that I can identify, I'm scared that my BF is sick of me. I'm not getting anything done on my time off and I feel like a guilty lazy sack of s*** (even though I was trying to work on not feeling pressured to be productive all the time).

Uuuuuuuuugh I hate this feeling so so so much.

HUGS @chihirochild