And now I feel ugly.

She was being supportive and gentle by offering additional sessions and offering to arrange alternative support for me during her upcoming break. I responded with hostility because I felt patronised and pitied. I can be relentless with my unkindness and I really pushed, including ridiculing her and deliberately hitting on some of her insecurities. Initially she was angry and exasperated, and then she cried. She said she was hurt that I would discard her care and treat our relationship in this way.

She has had a recent family bereavement so I know that she isn't in a great place and consequently I feel particularly unkind. I intended to hurt her.

I have been working on

Possible trigger:

my childhood sexual abuse which involved my mother

and I feel volatile and vulnerable. We had just started to touch on the cruel aspects of my mother which I have internalised and that it is painful for me to replay this ugliness. And so of course, boom, these cruel parts show themselves in the session and we get caught up in hostility.

It's horrid revealing these most unwanted parts of myself to her. I know this is the nature of therapy and I want to work with these shadow parts because otherwise I will be forever trapped by them, but this hurts!

[ArtleyWilkins]

The positive part of this is that you recognize what is going on in a way that I suspect your mother never would have been capable of doing. That's a positive quality in you; don't forget that. It may take time to get to where your self-awareness kicks in BEFORE you say things that might be hurtful, but this is an important step in the right direction.

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

The positive part of this is that you recognize what is going on in a way that I suspect your mother never would have been capable of doing. That's a positive quality in you; don't forget that. It may take time to get to where your self-awareness kicks in BEFORE you say things that might be hurtful, but this is an important step in the right direction.

This is kind, thank you. When I am in a more peaceful place, I feel certain of the differences between myself and my mother, but in those hostile moments I feel swallowed by myself/herself. I don't anticipate ever being a soft and kind soul, but yes working at my self awareness and self control is a big part of what I am doing. Like many of us I suspect, I am working at owning what is mine and giving the rest back to the person of origin.

[KLL85]

I think it’s important to recognise and remember that you are not your mother, you’re working on yourself in a way that she probably never did. That makes you completely different and actually shows that although you may not always express the kind hearted soul, it is in you and you are trying your best and that is all anyone can ask. As clients we mess up and it can be painful. But messing up is the way we make progress. Hopefully a good repair following this rupture will allow the therapeutic relationship between you and your T to deepen even further.

Originally Posted by KLL85

I think it’s important to recognise and remember that you are not your mother, you’re working on yourself in a way that she probably never did. That makes you completely different and actually shows that although you may not always express the kind hearted soul, it is in you and you are trying your best and that is all anyone can ask. As clients we mess up and it can be painful. But messing up is the way we make progress. Hopefully a good repair following this rupture will allow the therapeutic relationship between you and your T to deepen even further.

Messing up feels so risky which is ironic given how hard I work at deliberately messing up my loving relationships.

I can think of occasions when I am kind hearted, but it seems fake, as if I am playing a role. In therapy, I don't play that role and so I am unpleasant and challenging and not much more. Although, she does keep working with me and has said very loving things to me. I wonder if I am brave enough to ask if she sees a kind heart in me.

[KLL85]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

Messing up feels so risky which is ironic given how hard I work at deliberately messing up my loving relationships.

I can think of occasions when I am kind hearted, but it seems fake, as if I am playing a role. In therapy, I don't play that role and so I am unpleasant and challenging and not much more. Although, she does keep working with me and has said very loving things to me. I wonder if I am brave enough to ask if she sees a kind heart in me.

Oh completely, I’m so terrified of messing up in therapy that I hide so much of myself which probably means I am messing up! . I think you are so brave to be your true authentic self in sessions, that is the way to make progress and move through so much of the hurt and the pain. Could it be that when you view your kindness as being ‘fake’ it’s because you don’t see good in yourself? Even though it is there. I have said to my T that I feel like my logical/rational side is just an act because I know that is how society expects me to behave, but really it’s my child/emotional/irrational parts that act out that are truly me and real. He disagree and says that they are genuine but I struggle to accept that because it would mean accepting there is goodness inside of me. Could something similar be going on for you?

Originally Posted by KLL85

Oh completely, I’m so terrified of messing up in therapy that I hide so much of myself which probably means I am messing up! . I think you are so brave to be your true authentic self in sessions, that is the way to make progress and move through so much of the hurt and the pain. Could it be that when you view your kindness as being ‘fake’ it’s because you don’t see good in yourself? Even though it is there. I have said to my T that I feel like my logical/rational side is just an act because I know that is how society expects me to behave, but really it’s my child/emotional/irrational parts that act out that are truly me and real. He disagree and says that they are genuine but I struggle to accept that because it would mean accepting there is goodness inside of me. Could something similar be going on for you?

I find it really interesting that you have categorised your child and emotional and irrational parts as one aspect. Skipping over to your anger thread, which emotions are your child part and which emotions are your adult part? And are emotions irrational? Maybe it makes sense for your child part to feel the way she feels - far from irrational. I suppose I mean don't dismiss your child part as emotional and irrational, she might make a lot of sense but maybe hasn't been listened to very much.

I think there is goodness inside me, but I suppose I feel very uncomfortable about showing it. It's almost shameful. So, yes, I think something similar might be happening for me, thank you.

[unaluna]

I would notice my family looking at me very weirdly - with suspicion? - when i interacted with my young nephew, and i remember thinking, are they surprised that i have this sweetness and light inside of me? Because i was surprised to discover it there myself. But it only lasted as long as his innocence did. It couldnt bear the weight of post-innocence, whatever that was.

Eta - altho i have always sensed a kindred spirit in you, that made me want to tease you, to tell you i saw that your spikes were false - that i didnt believe them, or that they were meant for me. I never believed it about my mother either. She had to literally

Possible trigger:

fart in my face before i got a hint of any real malice. Now that should be the legal definition of the word retarded.

.

[elisewin]

You seem to have a good insight of what happens. Maybe just a simple apology for trying to hurt her intentionally? And talk about all that happened in your head later. I'm sure it is turning out just fine. I used to have my T's holidays as well.

[Salmon77]

I'm curious about what effect it had on you when she cried. I'm not sure how I'd react if my T showed that something I said hurt him that much.

Originally Posted by unaluna

I would notice my family looking at me very weirdly - with suspicion? - when i interacted with my young nephew, and i remember thinking, are they surprised that i have this sweetness and light inside of me? Because i was surprised to discover it there myself. But it only lasted as long as his innocence did. It couldnt bear the weight of post-innocence, whatever that was.

Eta - altho i have always sensed a kindred spirit in you, that made me want to tease you, to tell you i saw that your spikes were false - that i didnt believe them, or that they were meant for me. I never believed it about my mother either. She had to literally

Possible trigger:

fart in my face before i got a hint of any real malice. Now that should be the legal definition of the word retarded.

.

This feels really important. The loss of innocence followed by the exile. This is exactly what I am doing to my young self. Banishing her because she is tainted.

I feel the kindred spirit too. This made me properly smile. It's rare for the spikes to be understood.

Beans, beans, they're good for your heart
The more you eat, the more you fart.

Originally Posted by Salmon77

I'm curious about what effect it had on you when she cried. I'm not sure how I'd react if my T showed that something I said hurt him that much.

It's not unusual for her to cry, usually out of empathy and being moved by what I have shared or what I am experiencing. I find her tears weird, but I have grown used to them. I often react with a bit of an eye roll and "Here she goes again". In this instance, if I am honest, a part of me felt triumphant: Aha! I have hurt her! My arrow hit. Another part felt really sad and regretful, as if I had kicked a puppy.

[Mystical_Being]

I had a therapist cry in a session because of something I said about her but I was not trying to hurt her, I even tried to word things as mindfully as possible. I felt like I had to take care of her and comfort her so the whole session turned into that. I am glad you didn't feel that way.

Originally Posted by Mystical_Being

I had a therapist cry in a session because of something I said about her but I was not trying to hurt her, I even tried to word things as mindfully as possible. I felt like I had to take care of her and comfort her so the whole session turned into that. I am glad you didn't feel that way.

Conversely, I wish I felt this way. When she cries, my instinct is to attack. It doesn't feel particularly liberating, and certainly not kind, to disregard her feelings. I know therapy is not about the therapist's feelings, but my treatment of her as an emotional punch bag is pretty vile. How did your therapist respond when you took care of her?

[Mystical_Being]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

Conversely, I wish I felt this way. When she cries, my instinct is to attack. It doesn't feel particularly liberating, and certainly not kind, to disregard her feelings. I know therapy is not about the therapist's feelings, but my treatment of her as an emotional punch bag is pretty vile. How did your therapist respond when you took care of her?

Well we had a dual role so it seemed she liked it. She did say through tears "this isn't therapy" and tried to turn the focus back on me but made the entire session about herself. I even told her what I meant when I said what I said but then again the whole relationship with her wasn't ethical or healthy.

Do you think you are acting out old patterns by how you treat your therapist or are you just kind of fed up with her or something else entirely?

[Arpheus]

Self awareness and a willingness to admit and correct your errors and flaws are great virtues. You can't change the past but you can always strive towards not making the same mistakes and improving.

Originally Posted by Mystical_Being

Well we had a dual role so it seemed she liked it. She did say through tears "this isn't therapy" and tried to turn the focus back on me but made the entire session about herself. I even told her what I meant when I said what I said but then again the whole relationship with her wasn't ethical or healthy.

Do you think you are acting out old patterns by how you treat your therapist or are you just kind of fed up with her or something else entirely?

That experience sounds similar to situations I have been in with my therapist. I find it hard to keep track of what is useful/therapeutic work within the relationship and where her stuff leaks in. That dynamic is certainly one that I get caught in, leaving myself and moving to the other person. I notice you using the past tense, did you end your therapy with her?

[RoxanneToto]

Do you feel like you want to punish her, or someone for what happened to you, even though at the same time you recognise she doesn’t deserve it? That’s understandable, since we can’t always get justice or revenge against the people/person who hurt us originally.

[here today]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

And now I feel ugly.

She was being supportive and gentle by offering additional sessions and offering to arrange alternative support for me during her upcoming break. I responded with hostility because I felt patronised and pitied. I can be relentless with my unkindness and I really pushed, including ridiculing her and deliberately hitting on some of her insecurities. Initially she was angry and exasperated, and then she cried. She said she was hurt that I would discard her care and treat our relationship in this way.

She has had a recent family bereavement so I know that she isn't in a great place and consequently I feel particularly unkind. I intended to hurt her.

. . .

I think it's important that you recognize your feeling of being patronized and pitied. It sounds like your response was triggered by that?

It's too bad the therapist couldn't or didn't have time to bring the conversation back to that, or to asking where your reaction was coming from. But, maybe it was at the end of the session, with little time, and as you said she wasn't in the best of places.

[susannahsays]

Perhaps you could apologize? Acknowledge what you've written here. I too have lashed out at the therapist in ways she didn't deserve and felt awful about it. When I'm wallowing in self loathing and having a hard time seeing myself as not inherently bad, she has mentioned that she really appreciates how I apologize for my actions and that I have been willing to talk things out with her.

Perhaps you could make reparations to your therapist with an apology and by allowing yourself to be vulnerable by relating what you've said in your post about what is going on with you emotionally.

To be clear, I have a personal rule to never apologize simply because someone feels wronged - I only apologize when I genuinely believe I have done wrong (and none of those passive aggressive, disingenuous apologies where one says they are sorry someone else felt some way). Since it sounds like you do have genuine remorse, I think an apology is appropriate and will be helpful not just in your relationship to your therapist, but also for your self image. In a sense, you hurt yourself by behaving in a way that violated your ego ideal/superego, the way you wish to be.

[Mystical_Being]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

That experience sounds similar to situations I have been in with my therapist. I find it hard to keep track of what is useful/therapeutic work within the relationship and where her stuff leaks in. That dynamic is certainly one that I get caught in, leaving myself and moving to the other person. I notice you using the past tense, did you end your therapy with her?

She had some things happen and took an extended leave and I found another therapist. So the therapy ended with her on its own.