[ringpops_18]

I've been seeing my T since March and it's never been a super great fit, but there aren't too many therapists around me so I figured I'd stick it out. She's also a trauma therapist so I figured that would be good. During the 2nd session she said she believes I have complex trauma from my childhood which....sounds about right. For the last few sessions when I talk about low self-esteem, feeling broken, unworthy, etc. she's told me that I should find value in helping people (I'm in a helping profession). This session she told me the people who don't reciprocate in my life will need me eventually and I guess that's supposed to make me feel less bad about them disregarding my existence somehow. She also tries to reframe my silence in social situations as just being observant and thoughtful when it's definitely just intense social anxiety. Growing up heavily parentified, that's not only unhelpful but actually makes me feel 1000X worse. I've had physical health problems from pushing myself too hard helping others/neglecting myself to feel worthy, but according to her, I just need to reframe my mindset. I'm trying to really commit and not run away, but I always feel so invalidated and like all of my feelings are wrong. Maybe it's me? I know therapy sometimes feels bad, but this doesn't feel like the "good" kind of bad, y'know?

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Standard question: did you talk to her about it already? Not everything a T does or says is automatically true. Especially if they don't know you well yet, they might suggest things that help some people, but maybe not you personally. How much does she know about how far you've pushed yourself before or how you experience the social anxiety? If I were in your position, I'd try to explain how I feel about her comments and why. If she does not want to back down from her way of working, then maybe it's time to search for a new T, not all therapists are a good fit for all patients. And if she's understanding and trying to work through it, normally good things come from that.

[corbie]

Huh? That all sounds like nonsense to me. I don't get what she might be tryin to achieve with this.

I should find value in helping people

That sounds kind of backwards to me. To my knowledge, most therapists would steer a client towards NOT tying their self-esteem to how useful they can be to other people. This is the opposite. Especially considering your history of neglecting/hurting yourself to prove yourself 'worthy' this way. Also, a therapist telling a client what they should do or feel is not how therapy is supposed to work.

reframe my silence in social situations as just being observant and thoughtful
How is that even reframing? In my understanding, the point of reframig is putting a problem into different perspective, directing focus on aspects that might help coping and/or improving the situation. Anxious or thoughtful or observant are things that you either are in a given situation (to some extent) or you aren't, and only you know the truth of it. What is there to reframe?

Well, you can try to change your focus when in these situations, like for me it's often helpful to tell myself that if I'm not going to be able to participate anyway, I might as well stop struggling and beating myself up for it and just watch and maybe learn something. I end up being silent either way, but there's more of a chance of improvement if more present. But it's not a solution in itself, and the more intense the anxiety, the more it impedes my ability to observe and think. So I don't see how you can 'reframe' your way out of this without addressing the anxiety.

I'm trying to really commit and not run away, but I always feel so invalidated and like all of my feelings are wrong. Maybe it's me? I know therapy sometimes feels bad, but this doesn't feel like the "good" kind of bad, y'know?

Yeah. Might be worth trying to let her know you're feeling invalidated and this is not helpful to you, and to get some clarification on what she's hoping to achieve (if you haven't already), but unless you get a satisfying response, running away might just be the thing to do here.

[LonesomeTonight]

I agree with the other posters that you should talk to her about how you're feeling regarding what she's said. My T has shifted his usual approach to some degree for me, but it came as a result of my telling him what things were helpful and what sort of had the opposite effect of what he intended (there were some rather major conflicts in there, too). It's definitely worth telling her--if it would be difficult for you to say out loud, maybe type or write it up and hand it to her (or email it). Then see what happens from there.

[Rive.]

There is value in trying a T out to see if there is a good match but it feels like you are forcing yourself to 'stick it out' for the sake of it. Four months is a long time to 'stick it out' if you feel the same (i.e. dismissed and/or invalidated).

I would tell her i.e. you feel invalidated and don't agree with those conclusions and/or interpretations she draws about you.

IF she continues to dismiss your thoughts and feelings, I would move on to someone else. It's not because someone is a trauma therapist that it necessarily means they would be a good (best?) fit for you.

There's no prize for persevering.