Summer vacation

I’ve seen a therapist for 6-7 months,, weekly since February or March. I’m dealing with attachment issues and traumas since childhood, probably cptsd, and I’ve gotten very attached to her.

Yesterday was our last app for five weeks. I already miss her so much. I miss her eyes and the way she looks at me, she looks at me like she cares about me. I know that she cares. Yesterday I was very anxious about the upcoming break and about things going on in my life. We didn’t talk as much about the break as I wanted and I didn’t feel as ”connected” as I usually do. Probably because I wasn’t really there, my mind was already in survival-mode. But at the time I didn’t know that I needed to discuss the break more, and I didn’t want to make her feel bad for her time off. She really deserves it.

Today I’ve been thinking about her and crying a lot. She told me to try to not shut down all my emotions, at least try to let the feelings be there sometimes, but it hurts like hell to feel and I don’t know what to do with the pain. I imagine her with her kids and I’m so jealous and I know that no matter what, I will never have that. Not with my own mum, because that’s just not gonna happen, and not with her. She is probably happy that she won’t have to think about me for five weeks.

One of the last things she said to me was that she is still there, even though she’s not there like every week. She knows that I have trouble with object constancy. But I can’t sense that she’s really there, because she’s just not. It’s only words. They don’t mean anything. Right now, I am alone.

How do you cope with therapy breaks?

With my long term former T I would ask her for a voicemail or a letter to hang onto (since I have trouble with object constancy also) and that really helped. But that probably isn't an option since you already had your appointment.

Other things that have helped me are journaling as if I were talking to the T. Like imagining their responses to what I am saying. Doing something nice for myself each week during the therapy hour. Whether it is going to get a specialty coffee or going to get a massage or something nice for myself during that time so it doesn't feel like a loss but it gives me something to look forward to. Being extra gentle with myself in general. Just being kind to myself.


I used to take a stuffed animal (a small one that fit in my purse) to therapy. I would hold it when my therapist was gone and it made me feel more connected. When we had to quit therapy (she got sick) I gave her an exact replica. So we each have one. When she sees it she can think of me and when I see mine I can think of her. Maybe you could do something like that.

I'm sorry if these suggestions don't help or if they seem stupid. Just my experiences. HUGS. I know you'll get through it. it's just hard. Kit

I try to reach out to friends to go and do things, just to get my mind off of thinking about T. On the other hand, I write long letters to T. Some of these I will actually share with her when she returns, and some of them I just hold onto. It's strange, but sometimes when I read something I wrote to her, I feel more connected to her.

Another thing you can do is volunteer someplace. When you're helping someone else, you tend to think of yourself and your pain less often. And maybe you'll even make new friends.

If there's a hobby that you haven't worked on lately try that. Or, try something new. Good luck; 5 weeks is a long break.

-Would you consider seeing another T during the break?
-Transitional object - could you pick something that reminds you of her that you can hold on to?
-Maybe you could book something during your normal session time

Thank you for replying! I really like the idea of doing something for myself during normal therapy time. It would make it something to look forward to instead of dreading.

I already write to her every week without sending it to her and I’m probably going to keep doing that. I will help me to remember how it was and how/if the feelings shifted.

I wont be seeing a back up-T. I didn’t think it would help me, because I need a lot of time to really open up and to see someone once or twice wouldn’t feel like it mattered. But now I realize I could have spoke to someone about the intense longings when she’s away. Well, maybe next time... it’s to late to book an appointment now.

About transitional objects. I have a lot of songs that remind me of her and I look at the image on her website. Part of me feel ashamed, like I shouldn’t need that, but of course I know she wouldn’t mind. And I have an image of her in my mind where she smileys and tells me that she’s there for me. I try to mentally hold on to that... she is just such a great person, I wish my mum was a little bit like her... the ache in my heart won’t go away.

I’ll try to distract myself aswell, see relatives and such....

I get through vacations mostly with transitional objects. I have her blanket, a stuffed animal, a scarf, pictures she gave me, voicemails, tons of emails, etc. She also writes me a reminder/reassurance email before she goes. She reassures me that she has every intention of coming back, that she is not taking a vacation because of me, and that she holds me in mind even when we're apart. And we do our best to process what goes on for me during her vacations.

I miss her so much already. I can’t stop thinking of her. It’s silly because I don’t miss her this much between regular sessions but since I know I won’t be seeing her for so long, I miss her more. I think about things I want to tell her, about stuff that happened in our sessions, about what she’s doing now, if she thinks about me, if I am special to her (yes I know it’s stupid!).

I really wish that all of these feelings will fade soon... I have a lot of plans later in July so perhaps that will help me think about something else. Everything seems so stupid! Why do I care this much about her? I don’t even know her for real. I just know the therapist, not the real person. And she says that when I get like securely attached to her, then I eventually will be able to use it in my normal life aswell, or something like that. But does that really work when our relationship is this onesided? Sure, she cares about me but not the way I care about her. ..

I used to get really upset when my T went away as well. Especially if he's going on holiday or something and I'm struggling to pay bills, I guess that's just jealousy.

I do miss him, I miss how I thought of him before.

Our 'special' relationship I thought we had. Over time he has made it clear to me that there is no special thing between us really. I wish he had given me a blanket or something. He has given me some stones, I don't know he might do that with everyone though. I think in at a confusing point in my relationship with him and I don't know how to handle it at all. Currently I think he finds me repulsive. I can definitely see the transitional objects being helpful though. I hope the weeks go fast for you and it's not too bad.

It makes perfect sense why you would miss her so much and anyone would want to be special to someone we care about. Try not to be so hard on yourself, it's not stupid at all. Like a child I think you have to become fully dependent in order to become more dependent. If you're therapist is solid you will be able to see your growth.

It’s been three weeks now and part of me feel like she doesn’t even exist anymore. I miss her but I don’t feel that ache in my heart anymore. I just feel empty. I try not to think about her too much, if I do the ache returns. I feel like she needed a break from ME. Like I was too much for her. It hurts that she’s with her kids now, that she cares about them more than she cares about me. Of course I know that’s the way it should be, but it hurts anyway.

I just don’t understand why therapy have to be so hard. Why do I need her this much?

It's natural to be dependent on a person who is a source of help. I've just started a planned break of two weeks, and the only way I'm coping with it is to have a plan for how I am going to use the time that I won't have sessions to make progress.

It has opened up an opportunity for me to do an exercise that I would put off/not be able to do in our normal gap between sessions.

Could you perhaps write a letter to your T, like in the Dear T thread, and 'keep up the dialogue' that way?

I'm struggling with almost identical feelings. I could have written everything you've written.

I'm writing in a word document every day. I started doing it today because the pain was so bad and was surprised at how quickly I felt more settled. Writing isn't a magical cure but it really does help. You could write to your T, either to show her on her return or just keep for yourself, or write out your feelings as they emerge. Don't hold anything back or criticise yourself for feeling that way. Everything you feel is understandable and you're far from alone.

Well, if people in our 'real' lives gave us what our Ts give e.g. that level of connection, care or support, then we wouldn't feel so attached or need them so much. They fulfill a need that is sorely missing.

I don't know how your T feels, but when I have expressed similar things, my T has said that she goes on vacation to relax and play, not to get away from me, and that if she could clone herself in order to go on vacation and also stay and see me, she would. She also mentioned that her work is very quiet and distraction-free, so in some ways, her clients get more of the best parts of her than her children do. I think it's natural to feel resentment or like you're left out because surely we'd all rather have had "good enough" parents than a good therapist, but I've found those sentiments have helped me feel less awful when she's away.

Thank you so much for your replies! It helps to know I’m not alone in this. I’ve written a journal since the last session, almost every day. It helps. But lately I just seem to write that she is so far away and that I can’t feel her care. I try to hold on to the image of her smiling at me but at the same time it hurts to much to think about it. I wish I had a mum like her when I was a kid... and now.

I wish I’d asked her if she would reply to one email during her time off but I was to afraid that she’d say no. And that would have made me feel even worse.

Yeah I think about that aswell, that she probably has a lot of flaws as a mum that I’m not aware of. But still. I can’t help to feel envy towards her kids who probably don’t even know how lucky they are.

This is still very normal and to be expected by any good T.

I hate it when my therapist goes on holiday. I always hope she has a dreadful time so she never goes again.

This is pure gold and so true. I wish those in our personal relationships could give us what our T’s give. Then therapists wouldn’t be as important as they are.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amandae8787 It’s been three weeks now and part of me feel like she doesn’t even exist anymore. I miss her but I don’t feel that ache in my heart anymore. I just feel empty. I try not to think about her too much, if I do the ache returns. I feel like she needed a break from ME. Like I was too much for her. It hurts that she’s with her kids now, that she cares about them more than she cares about me. Of course I know that’s the way it should be, but it hurts anyway. I just don’t understand why therapy have to be so hard. Why do I need her this much?

It sounds like you have a strong transference with your therapist, so naturally you feel abandoned, and envious of her time with her *real* children.

Years ago, when I was in therapy with a psychologist I had a major transference with I wrote letters to him while he was on vacation. Some I gave to him, some I threw out...but writing them was helpful.