How do you move forward from a violation of confidentiality?

Hi Scarlet, I’ve read your threads for a while, and I think you have an awesome T (who made a mistake in this instance). I too get stuck at times with a T, and find it hard to move on when something like this happens. I think I always found it hard to move on because I felt that the T placed the blame and responsibility for the rupture on me, and didn’t always apologize. Your awesome T seems to have dealt with this rupture much better than my last T did, as she hasn’t blamed you, and she’s apologised and has given you extra contact. I think I can still identify with your feelings of still being a bit stuck, and feeling less secure over the relationship - if that is how you feel? Is it because simply having had an emotional reaction and a bit of conflict leads to feelings of insecurity? I don’t have any answers.

This makes total sense. I had a real blockage last year I think when a lot of what I was reading was about choosing not to let the past dictate our lives. I just couldn't get my head around it and felt I was being blamed for not making that choice, but to me it really isn't a choice. The past still has such a hold on me that it influences my life in so many ways and I can't just make that go away. Good on those people who can, who, like you say, have reached that place where they can choose. I'm not there yet. Thank you.

Just getting back to this. Yes, forgiveness or letting go or whatever you feel comfortable calling it is a process. It takes time. Sometimes I have to revisit it if something comes up that stirs up old stuff, particularly because that's sort of the nature of PTSD. It took me a long time, and I like what corbie said about the ebb and flow and doing it in small pieces.

My therapist talked - for a long time - about wanting me to reach a place where I could metaphorically put my history in box and place it on a top shelf of a closet, in the back, behind other things, and sort of forget it's there. But I would know it is there, and if I needed to, I could pull down that box and look through it and then put it back on that shelf again. That history and those memories would be fully under my control to look at , or not, by my choice. Honestly, that concept was nuts to me for a long time. But for a person with pretty severe PTSD, gaining some control and choice over my memories and history and how they triggered me was SO important to my mental stability.

And oddly enough, as a walked through the small bits and pieces of my history in therapy, they started losing their power, and somewhere in that process I realized I was choosing to let the intense feelings about each little bit go. Over time, I had a collection of a lot of little bits, and had let go of each one, and that's when I started realizing I was ready and able to let go of the bigger history that was made up of all those little bits. (For some odd reason I have an image of Lego bricks that make up a larger construction in my head right now - or maybe the individual pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that make up a larger image).

I actually got there. My metaphorical box is sitting up on a shelf, and every now and then I peak in, but it isn't really painful anymore, and I've even chosen to throw out some of the items in that box because when I look in it, I realize certain old things just don't matter to me anymore.

I've literally been taking boxes down from high closet shelves in the last few months since my husband died. I found items he had saved or I had saved ages ago that we thought were somehow important to hold onto. It has been an interesting project as I have chosen to throw out quite a few things that I realize I had no need to hold onto. Some I had held onto because for some reason I thought I "should" or "must". So much baggage and clutter that I realize now - now that my priorities have come so tragically in view - are just not important. Other things I rediscovered that I had forgotten, and I can appreciate them more now that I don't have so much clutter to go through to find what is truly most important.

And I know I digress, my apologies that your thread has taken a detour, but sometimes threads do that. Much of what I am talking about in this metaphor has to do with really painful, traumatic, OLD stuff with very dysfunctional people. In your case, the relationship with your therapist seems to be pretty darned functional, and the problem appears to have been concretely resolved. Yes, the emotions lag behind, I just hope you won't let them stall you too long. Time is a valuable commodity and is often too easily taken for granted. Don't waste valuable relationship time with this therapist revisiting what has already been resolved in concrete ways. Breathe. Accept your feelings for what they are. You don't have to ignore them or brush them away or pick at them to keep them agitated. They'll resolve on their own in their own due time because the relationship is solid and supportive and healthy.

I don't mind the detour! It still has to do with moving on from a rupture, and I'm finding it very helpful seeing perspectives on forgiveness.

I do agree that I don't want to waste time on a rupture. It sucks because there's other things I want to discuss, however, I know that processing ruptures helps build our relationship. It will make us stronger, more solid, and more secure. I hope it will actually build more trust. I do wish that this didn't happen, and now that it has, it's best to use it and learn from it.

Artley, esp about the literal and metaphorical boxes.

Update:
Logically, I have forgiven L. It was my fault I put her in that situation, she thought she was doing something good, there was no harm that became of it, and we're working so it never happens again. She is not a bad person, nor a bad therapist. She is still trustworthy in many ways, she's not defensive, I love her, and we both choose to stay on this journey together.

All that being said, I'm still hurt and feel distrust. And I don't know why. L and I are trying to sort through it all, but we both can't seem to figure out what my problem actually is. I can't come up with the words or even pinpoint why I'm still hurt.

I have contacted T and asked her for a consult session. I haven't heard back from her yet, but I'm hoping a third-party will be able to help.

I'd like to ask you all too if you have any hunches about why I'm still hurt and don't trust her. It's an emotional thing; not a logical thing. But I'm hoping it I can put words to it, L and I can work through whatever "it" is, and we can move forward.

Also, my dad suggested I do trust exercises with L to build trust. We're NOT going to fall back and have the other catch us. And I'm not doing truth or dare because it would hurt if either one of us chose dare (plus I don't like the dare part). So any suggestions for building trust is welcomed!

Hi Scarlet,

For what it's worth, I have had a number of conversations with R about logic and emotion. It can take some time for our emotions to catch up to what we know logically.

There may be specific things you can do, but it may just be a case of being patient with yourself, and leaning on previous experiences of being able to trust L.

Yay, I'm glad you mostly settled this with L. Not so glad about the lingering hurt, but glad again that you're being thorough about this, not ignoring it. Of course, trust is much easier to destroy than rebuild, so it might just take a lot more time than you'd like.

This probably says more about me than about you, but it still might be helpful: I do have this very tenacious (protective, I think) part, well beyond the reach of rational thinking, that insists on holding onto hurts and grudges against my better judgement, and it tends to happen more around sensitive spots that are actively threatened somehow. Also, therapy with xT and at the group therapy place we met at, stirred up / reinforced so much past trauma that I feel a lot more threatened overall, even with my current therapist who continues to prove herself trustworthy (not L-magnitude of awesome, but still pretty reliable and cooperative).

Actually, I did have a hunch previously that you might have felt was inaccurate/irrelevant. If so, feel free to ignore. But I'll elaborate on it just in case it was relevant and just not what you needed at the time. To me, what made this a huge deal was the part where L did not act like you trusted her to, and told your family she would. I get the sense that you need to defend against your family in some ways, and L, and your relationship was/is part of that defense system. If you work anything like me, this incident revealed an apparent vulnerability in that defense for everyone to see ... and that vulnerability likely remains even after 'officially' forgiving her (because it's not just between the two of you?), and the part of you that feels the need to defend yourself would then naturally still be upset.

Hmmm. My first reaction was that I can't relate. Every other rupture with L that has been worked through, I can't remember. There's two exceptions: 1. Her losing her keys (don't know why that one still sticks), and 2. Her mentioning her client to me during our past rupture (but we haven't addressed that yet). Otherwise, I just don't remember any details about other rupture, and I really do believe it's because we processed it all.

However, being protective does resonate immensely! I am very protective of my relationship with L. And I'm even protective of L herself. We discussed both these things last session. And thinking about it, I'm very protective of myself. It could be that I don't feel protected by her? And yes, that would make me, her, and our relationship vulnerable. And if I'm vulnerable, I don't feel safe. Maybe L and I have been looking at the details and not the big picture?

I'll have to think more on this. Ty!

In my experience that kind of thing just takes time. It sounds like both of you are doing everything you possibly can. Maybe let the issue rest for a bit and see how you feel in two or three months? Just give your brain a chance to assimilate everything that’s happened, everything you’ve felt and gone through, and trust that the intensity will lessen with time? You can still talk about it of course but I don’t think you should feel distressed that your hurt hasn’t just evaporated. Just accept that it’s there and be patient with it. You’re both doing a great job.

Yes, you can forgive and still feel hurt. And forgiveness sometimes isn't done once. I remember a rupture I had with my T which really hurt me. After talking about it, she took responsibility and said she had chosen her words really poorly. (It was a loaded phrase a harmful counsellor used on me, my family and others used.)

I forgave her. I chose to stay with her because I saw the whole of our therapeutic relationship, and she wasn't defensive.

A year later, the memory came up again and I had to talk about it again. Another layer of hurt, of "how could you, T?!" Sometimes it returns and hurts too. Not as much but I do hold onto how ruptures have definitely been repaired. Including when I've hurt her feelings.

Eta: I'm really protective of my relationship with my T too. If my unsafe family members knew I'm in therapy or even worse, who is she, I would be very vulnerable in a really bad way. And I know someone who sees my T too and I can't handle hearing that person talking or texting me about our T. I just can't, though it's not that person's fault. It's my stuff.

I was reading and sorting through trust building exercises online, and I discovered that L and I have used a few already: playing games and asking/answering questions. So I've decided that today's session will be centered on trust building. I'm also going to bring my dog because she helps me to feel comfort and connection to L. I'm hoping that focusing on positive activities will help us heal.

Scarlet, it sounds like you are doing good things for your relationship with your T and doing good things for yourself. Like focusing on positive activities to help you and your T heal from this rupture. I feel like it may just take some time. And more talking. And more time. I think you'll get there though. You have seemed really more I don't know the word, stable perhaps, about your relationship with your T than you did at the beginning of this post. I think you are doing great. Hang in there! HUGS Kit

Confidentiality agreement updated and signed by both of us!

Session with L today went great. We didn't get a chance to do games, but we had a good time and laughed a lot. And my dog provided a lot of laughs too with kisses and chasing her tail, to claiming the couch. We did do questions too. One question was: if you could fail at an Olympic sport gracefully, which one would you choose?

L and I talked about me having a session with T. She agreed and was even going to suggest it. Even though we both think that the hurt stems from not protecting the relationship (it's really resonating/sticking), we agree that having a third-party who knows us both can maybe help both of us sort through it and help us find ways to move on. T is on vacation this week, so I'll know on Monday what she thinks.

I always find if I dig enough I realize thr things that really bother me relates to my core issues. May T acted in a way she she should not, she didn't protect you, and made you feel vulnerable. Have people in your past done the same yo you?

Recently, T touched a huge nerve and really upset me in a session. After a lot of self analysis, I realized that while it was never my Ts intention, it made me feel stupid and consequently she would abandon me. My dad made me feel stupid for trying to have contact with him. He had abandoned me. My dad was supposed to to always be there for me and be a cheerleader but he never was. If I was not good enough for my dad to stay in my why would T.

I almost always felt vulnerable especially growing up. No one was there to protect me. I think what might be bothering me is that I completely let my guard down with L. I have forced myself to talk about hard things (all have paid off). I now feel like I have to protect the relationship myself. I keep having anxiety attacks after session, and we think it might be because of that.

I do know that "sharing" people with those in my life has never really worked out. And I think that might be where the betrayal comes in?

Talked to T today. She agreed to a session. I'll see her next Thursday at 2pm. I'm a little nervous because I feel distant from T, but I still think this will help L and I.

Tomorrow is session with L again. We're going to do half processing and half bonding. I hope I don't have another anxiety attack afterwards.

John Bowlby | Maternal Deprivation Theory | Simply Psychology
I was looking up separation anxiety in adults and found this interesting article about Bowlby's attachment theory. Some of the things really resonated for me and L.

1.The three progressive stages of distress:
2.
3. Internal working model: