How do you move forward from a violation of confidentiality?

Confidentiality agreement updated and signed by both of us!

Session with L today went great. We didn't get a chance to do games, but we had a good time and laughed a lot. And my dog provided a lot of laughs too with kisses and chasing her tail, to claiming the couch. We did do questions too. One question was: if you could fail at an Olympic sport gracefully, which one would you choose?

L and I talked about me having a session with T. She agreed and was even going to suggest it. Even though we both think that the hurt stems from not protecting the relationship (it's really resonating/sticking), we agree that having a third-party who knows us both can maybe help both of us sort through it and help us find ways to move on. T is on vacation this week, so I'll know on Monday what she thinks.

I always find if I dig enough I realize thr things that really bother me relates to my core issues. May T acted in a way she she should not, she didn't protect you, and made you feel vulnerable. Have people in your past done the same yo you?

Recently, T touched a huge nerve and really upset me in a session. After a lot of self analysis, I realized that while it was never my Ts intention, it made me feel stupid and consequently she would abandon me. My dad made me feel stupid for trying to have contact with him. He had abandoned me. My dad was supposed to to always be there for me and be a cheerleader but he never was. If I was not good enough for my dad to stay in my why would T.

I almost always felt vulnerable especially growing up. No one was there to protect me. I think what might be bothering me is that I completely let my guard down with L. I have forced myself to talk about hard things (all have paid off). I now feel like I have to protect the relationship myself. I keep having anxiety attacks after session, and we think it might be because of that.

I do know that "sharing" people with those in my life has never really worked out. And I think that might be where the betrayal comes in?

Talked to T today. She agreed to a session. I'll see her next Thursday at 2pm. I'm a little nervous because I feel distant from T, but I still think this will help L and I.

Tomorrow is session with L again. We're going to do half processing and half bonding. I hope I don't have another anxiety attack afterwards.

John Bowlby | Maternal Deprivation Theory | Simply Psychology
I was looking up separation anxiety in adults and found this interesting article about Bowlby's attachment theory. Some of the things really resonated for me and L.

1.The three progressive stages of distress:
2.
3. Internal working model:

Bowlby's work really explained myself to me.

Maternal deprivation leaves you trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle with a) you dont know HOW many pieces missing b) an irregular border so no you dont even have an outline and c) no picture of what its supposed to look like.

Good post. This makes a lot of sense.

Had another rupture with L today. It's not as big as this last one, it will probably be worked through rather quickly (if she would listen to me), but I'm just drained.

HUGS Scarlet

Hugs, Scarlet, I'm sorry.

Update:
The other rupture with L was quickly resolved.

I had my session with T today. We talked about 4 main points:
*I'm not necessarily idealizing L, but I am idealizing the relationship. She feels that I am realizing how dependent I am on the relationship which could be why the situation is panicking me.
* L and I need to separate the "client comment" rupture with the "talking to family" rupture. They are not the same; they are two different things. And I'm combining them into one probably because we haven't addressed the first fully.
* We talked about adding to our goodbye ritual things that will talk to the anxiety I feel after session. Not only acknowledging the anxiety, but also giving reassurances to it.
* She also suggested that I start connecting with my transitional objects not just at night, but as soon as I get home and again in the evening.

Overall I found it helpful. I just hope these twraks and realizations help.

Goodbye rituals for after session anxiety was a major stepping stone in my work with my last t. It was so effed up at home when i was a kid, i probably still dont have a handle on it. But the rituals were a really solid part of my therapy, and in making me me.

Yesterday's session was intense, in a good way. We started off talking about the sadness/grief I have been feeling. L gave me a few examples of how people might process grief. One was an example of imagining putting lights up in the scary dark places. Another was finding a safe spot to cry. And the other was finding time to cry during a long drive. I felt even more sad because I don't have a space spot to cry. L is my only safe spot. And I don't have time to cry with her. She asked if I cried at all this last week, and I hadn't. She said (and I agreed) that I'm "emotionally constipated", and desperately needed to cry. So we scheduled a double session, picked a topic/event that was bothering me currently and we got out the kleenex box. I cried and cried, and it felt so good. She told me to cry on the way home, but I couldn't. We both think we should schedule more crying sessions for me. I don't think I've ever had a planned crying session nor have I ever really discussed that topic. If this was 2 years ago, I would never have been able to do this. Also, if I didn't feel safe with her, I wouldn't have been able to do it either. So I think we're moving through the rupture finally.

About the rupture: L wrote me an email last week that included a detailed apology. Her apology finally sunk through to me, and I was able to accept it. Now when she apologizes, I have the urge to stop her and console her. I don't want her to be sorry anymore. I don't even know if we need to process it anymore. I also realized that since the rupture, she's done something to protect me, and it proves to me that she is safe, and will protect our relationship and my safe space.

Also, we finally got her birthday card to me! It was undeliverable and got sent back to her. She gave it to me yesterday. I absolutely love it! And I'm glad my sister didn't get it and give it to me on my birthday. Now I get to cherish it all myself!

I'm glad you were able to work through the rupture with L, Scarlet. She does really seem to care about you! I've never done a crying session, I can't even remember the last time I cried, but it is so good that it helped you. HUGS Kit

That sounds amazing positive. I'm so pleased for you.