Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Hi T. I know I will be filled with anxiety until at least lunchtime tomorrow, afraid you'll have to cancel last minute. With the exception of your H, you've never cancelled twice in a row. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow!

My ego needs a boost right now, Info. Like someone to tell me how impressive they think I am. You’re not going to provide it, at least not on your own.

Although it’s good to have a good session it’s bad because it makes me miss you and that hurts.

Super excited about tomorrow. I hope it doesn’t turn out to be a flop. I’m already anxious I might forget to bring the stuff I need!

I ate the damn yogurt.

Hey L guess what, I tried on my wedding dress last night for the heck of it, and it fits again!! I could even zip it all the way up and sit comfortably. Now if h and I would ever GO anywhere fancy enough for it... haha! (It's not a big fancy gown or anything. Just a pretty beaded dress that's normal below the knee length.) I should wear it to my next session wouldn't that be a hoot!! You'd be like "Why are you so dressed up?" The last time I could wear it, was in 2019 right before I had surgery, the surgery that caused me to start gaining weight back. I have now lost back 25 lbs of the 30 I gained post-surgery/during the first 6 months of the pandemic. I expect to be back to where I was before all of that by the time I see you again in October!

Something about you telling me that you are in the office only every other Monday left me feeling bad - let down.

I want to get something from you on Friday - I don't know what.

Mostly, there is the feeling that there is no point in continuing to see you. No point in emailing you. I wish I could afford to pay you to hold my time/slots while I take a break from seeing you or contacting you.

Dear T,
That podcast was actually really annoying, like almost everyone involved in it. I sort of see why you recommended it to me. I will think of this as a case of "it's the thought that counts." Like it was nice that you thought of me when you heard it and decided to pass it along to me. Though...is this one you listen to regularly? It just doesn't sound like something you'd be into, just the whole tone of it, from other stuff you've said you are or aren't into. Though I imagine it was different with the previous hosts (my friend filled me in on that, as I'm not that up on NPR).

Also, today's session just felt very...OK to me. Like in the "Eh, it was OK." Not that there was anything especially bad about it, but it just felt like it sort of happened. And there wasn't like some big insight or funny moment or, I don't know, connected moment. Again, nothing bad, it just...was.

Of course, this didn't occur to me until after session, but I wonder if in some ways I'm pulling back from you because of your response to my checking in on your safety? I know it was only a "minor infraction," and you said it wasn't a big deal at all, but it still felt like a sort of rejection. I'm just not sure how to explain that to you? So maybe I'm pulling back and sort of protecting myself? I've done that before. But doing that won't help me. Of course, next session is Friday, the worst day to bring up stuff like that. But I guess I probably should do it anyway, at least briefly. Or maybe I don't need to actually bring it up? Just be conscious of whether I'm pulling away/protecting myself, and fight against that urge?

Love,
LT

Please like me. I know I’m not an easy client and I can be frustrating to work with. But I know now to not say some things and be careful with how I say other things. Basically I’m gonna try to be like the way I was with transference T for the first several months we met. And not just jump into a whole bunch of goofy **** the way I did with my last T. Or be too freaked out to even make eye contact the way I was with my unprofessional T. I know I shouldn’t be focusing on therapy right now though.

Basically I just want you to be like my transference therapist minus the transference and telesessions and I want you to also be able to help me with the stuff I need help with. I will help you by not oversharing my med med situation or my caffeine intake but being honest with my food situation.

So far I have 8 handwritten lines to talk to you about on Friday. It's not the same as emailing you. Kit

Dear Possible New T,

Four days until I see you. It's starting to get real. No idea how it's going to go.

Hey T. I already regret that email I sent you two minutes ago. It feels very needy, which we both know I hate.

You said on Tuesday that you would text me this morning to let me know whether you could accommodate an extra session tomorrow. Well it’s now afternoon and I’ve not heard from you. Why have you forgotten about me? Clearly an extra session won’t happen now.

T I feel so down. I wish I could text you but it would feel a bit much after texting last night and there's nothing you can say anyway. I guess I'm just lonely and disconnected and scared.

I promised you that I wouldn't beat myself up about 'raising my voice' during session, but I'm not doing very well in that department.

I hope you didn’t think I was implying you were going to be an annoying asshole because of the trouble we had getting the meeting started. I was really referring to myself because I felt like I’d been bugging D already earlier in the week, and then again just before we were due to speak to her. I think you understood what I meant when I explained, but I was afraid I’d offended you somehow when you mentioned you were surprised I’d said it.
It was a good meeting, anyway, but we’re not too much further forward, are we?

When you asked if I wanted help straightening out my eating and I said yes I kinda meant from you. I don't want to do any inpatient programs. It's not that bad.

My hip hurts. I am dreading work tomorrow. My house plants are dying and I can't work out why. My cat was sick on the new carpet. The court case was thrown out today due to lack of evidence. The weather is cold and I have no firewood. The expensive chocolate I bought tastes ordinary. All your fault and yet you aren't helping with any of it.

Dear Info,

OK, you actually impressed me today. You even earned your pay, I think for the first time ever.

Only took almost 51 months of therapy with you...

ATAT

Hey T. Still feeling quite badly about our session, even though your email response was kind. I know I should talk about it next week, but I don't know if I can bring it up. Sigh.