Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

Hi R,

I'm relieved we have finally had that conversation, because it's been a while in the making.

I appreciate that you recognise working outside wouldn't be the best thing for me. I agree, but it's perhaps for different reasons.

Walking and talking at the same time is OK, if the ground is relatively flat. I'm much more concerned about my ability to 'keep it together' in a public place. I know that I would, but I'm not sure that's what I need right now.

Wish I could tell you about the phone call with D, but you’re on a break away and I refuse to disturb you. I really felt like I needed to talk to someone after, though. D was very helpful and I’m excited to potentially be moving forward in our “side quest”, but I’m scared, too.

I honestly don’t have the energy physically or mentally to think about any therapist today.

E, I'm nervous about tomorrow. I already am feeling really sad, and for some reason seeing you always makes me want to cry. held strong so far (haha).

Dear Individual IOP T: Please be amazing today. I hope the session is really good and really meaningful. Please keep me in your heart even if you aren't going to keep me after IOP. I really attached to you and I kick myself now but I think it was good anyway.


Dear Potential T: Please get back to me today on your telehealth schedule. Please "click" with me and help me and be amazing. I like your name. That's why I picked you. Your voice sounds good on the voicemail. Not quite soothing but at least not irritating. I have high hopes for you. Please don't let me down. Thanks Kit

I hope you are able to understand the stuff I want to tell you. The therapist before I moved knew almost everything and understood and accepted the things I told her.

To whoever cares,

Why was the work with Little One so 'easy' in comparison to the work with Teenage One? We have been trying to do whatever it is we plan on doing with Teenage One for at least four years now and yet I still feel much like I did at the beginning. Four years and in some ways it feels like we haven't got anywhere.

I am no closer to knowing what she needs. I am no closer to knowing how to help her. I am no closer to seeing her in a different light.

Ok, maybe a tiny tiny step closer, but it's like a complete mystery to me still. Bit with Little One I knew. Sure, it took a little while for her to learn to trust, to feel safe, with you and with me, but this, with Teenage One, is something else.

Four years on and yet seemingly nothing has changed here. Is she beyond help? Is this part of me lost to me for good?

I guess only time wil tell.

Hey E. I know, crying would be a "good" sign, bu I just can't do it, despite the intense sadness and need for it. You are kind of amazing, and I am looking forward to your check in email this weekend. Thank you for being you.

Thank you for asking that question again about why I keep coming back to thinking that I have to stop seeing you at some point. Today was the day I was ready to really hear it, and I have already started digging into the answer. I'm proud of myself that I didn't get all defensive for once... I'm getting better at the pausing and responding thing instead of emotionally reacting. In the moment, I couldn't fully answer it I guess because I know what the answer is NOT... it is not yet "Because I want to stop." Until that is the answer, you're stuck with me! Because I don't want to stop, of course. Not completely. I don't need or want to come weekly anymore which we have already addressed. Thank you for letting me take the lead on the frequency.

Anyway I've already written a page and a half attempting to get to the 'why'. Maybe it's as easy as "I just can't wrap my head around the thought that you're not sick of me yet"???? Nah. Nothing's ever that easy inside my head....

See you in a month.

I hope you like slideshows because I have some pictures to share with you when you come back next week (isn’t it usually the person who was on holiday who does the show? Lol). I wonder what you think is going to happen next on the side quest. I will probably ask your opinion, out of curiosity.
In other news, had a big wave of anger wash over me yesterday. I hope it means I’m still processing, though I think I’m more likely getting a bit stuck emotionally.

I like when little things happen in a session that clearly show an area of progress for me. When you made that one comment - my immediate response was just to say "Oh, okay". I didn't feel any rejection or self-recrimination or anything remotely like that, as I know I would have in the past.


Also, I'm not even beating myself up for telling you I'd asked for a dream like that one - after your question, I explained it, you left it at that, and I filed it away under the "Oops" category.

I thought about transference T a bit today but I was able to get past it. I didn’t drink my usual tea that reminds me of her and maybe I just need to drink it everyday to cope with these feelings?

I think mint flavored stuff in general reminds me of her. I don’t think it needs to be just those candy bars. I don’t have any mint Aero bars left anyways and I can’t easily buy them like I used to be able to. But I had some mint chip ice cream last night and it worked decently to deal with my feelings about her.

New T I need to discuss this mint flavored stuff with you and why it’s happening.

Dear T,

I failed.

You still don't..

Was it worth it?

Thank you for your email today. I will try...but it is hard.

Dear Ex T,

I went to play hockey for the first time yesterday, with an old school 'friend'. You were supposed to be around to hear about this... You would understand what that means to me. Instead I am trying to lean on and share with other people around me, but it really isn't the same. They don't understand.

Ha. Yes, of course you were right. There is a complex somewhat involved in what we were talking about Friday: the guilt complex, aka the good little girl thing. It's not all coming from that, but I will get to the bottom of this before we meet again. You just want to hear me say that you were right, don't you.

I guess that's better than !



In the immortal words of Cher Horowitz "As if!"

You see, I totally understand your position on this and why you asked me that question. Because you listen when I talk and hear more than just the words I say.

I guess I'll tell you abt my boss disrespecting me (again). He is so childish when he gets frustrated. He literally threw a tomato at me in anger recently. Who does that.

Your story made me so sad. You were just a 20 year old kid. A young newlywed, with a brand new baby, and you got drafted. Yes, you saved yourself from being shot to death at 20, or psychologically scarred for life by joining a different branch of the military. Nevertheless, that you felt compelled, forced to do that and be away from your wife and baby was sad.

It changed your life for the better though, ultimately. I'm glad you didn't die in some hot, humid jungle the way so many other poor kids did.

I love how you are not afraid to show your emotions with me. That has been the best part of my therapeutic relationship with you. You've been a human being with me. I love that.

I love you.

I want to email you and tell you what I've figured out so far since Friday, working on answering that question. I even typed it up already but just saved it as a draft, I realize that if I send it, it would be more of what I do not matching what I said Friday and I'd be further reinforcing your side of this discussion. So I'm not gonna send it. Instead, I just copied it into a word document and deleted the draft email. I can figure this out on my own, damn it.


I think I'll start a new afghan...

E, you are pretty great. Thank you for your email today. I did take the sadness to some art, and it helped a tiny bit.

The last bit of the answer to your question Friday, came to me while I slept last night. It's a rather complex answer to a deceivingly simply question. But I'm glad I've got it all written out now, so I can stop thinking about it for awhile. I'm gonna go get my hair cut after work today, then after I get back home dive into my yarn stash and using my new color wheel choose 7 colors for the next afghan. I just enjoyed that mandala pattern so much, I can hardly wait to get started on a 2nd one. There's also a really pretty smaller square pattern I may play around with first. I don't know.

Dear Ex T,

So, now I'm nervous. Potential New T asked what I needed today, from a possible goodbye meeting with you. I couldn't really answer at the time, but it dawned on me driving to the gym that I do need you to hear my anger as t how this was handled.

I'm not angry at you for having to leave. Not at all. I'm angry because you didn't have a plan in place, despite my asking twice over the years what would happen if the worst happened to you.

I'm angry because I have since learnt that a 'therapy will' is a very common thing, and something that most therpsits should/would have in place.

I'm angry at your supervisor for not ensuring that you had one and I am angry that I was just left to fend for myself. Again.

And I need you to hear that, to understand that, to accept it was wrong, to apologise for that and to help me make a difference by broaching the subject with your supervisor.

And if you can't do that, then I need to accept that I won't get the closure that I deserve here. Sure, I could come, and I could try to be all the good and positive things, but that wouldn't be being true to myself. That wouldn't be being authentic, and it is vitally important to me to allow all elements of myself, not to deny any of my feelings, with you.

But I am worried, as I said in my email. I am worried and scared and confused and uncertain and angry and sad and all sorts of other things besides.

I love you so much, and yet I am terrified of how you will be about all of this.

Please be ok with what I have said, with how I am feeling.

I'm attending my first online bereavement support group tonight.
Steve's friend wrote a beautiful post about 'layering resources' that made me feel much better about needing more support at this time.

At some point, I'm going to have to ask you what your new fee would be.
Talking about money is awkward.

Please don’t be laughing the whole time like you were last time. I know you weren’t laughing at me and you were serious when I was talking about tough stuff. But just please don’t.

I think I’m just being so stubborn because I want a therapist exactly like my transference one and there is no other one like her. I’m still on the waiting list for that one my bigot T refereed me to. But I need to give this one a chance and stop acting so stubborn.