Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVII

T, Logically I know that there are a million reasons why you haven't replied to my text from this morning. But, I am not in logical mind right now. You found out your results and you have COVID and are in the hospital. Or worse.

When I am sure it is probably you had a busy day, or maybe you are still feeling unwell and not around your phone....all make sense. Too bad I don't actually believe it will be this way.

Whew. Thanks for responding, and that you are ok! See you tomorrow 😊

Two more sleeps. I have no idea what the session will end up being like, but I am grateful that I will have the opportunity to process soon.

I’m angry at my transference T for not responding to my email. Maybe she’s just been out of the office but I think that is just very unhealthy wishful thinking. I wanted the email from her more then I wanted the $500 tax refund and my job combined that I both got today.

Current T you are probably going to think I’m insane for going from being in a complete crisis from a call about a job interview to ending up accepting the job. Please don’t think badly of me.

I'm not handling this stuff with h too well today, L. Going in with him today for the 2nd liver scan really brought my anxiety out. Mainly because he's been feeling really tired today, having little twinges in his liver area, and he keeps yelling at me for stupid reasons today. I know he's anxious about all of this too. And I'm trying to be understanding. I really am. But it's hard when he keeps yelling at me and keeps on eating **** he isn't supposed to be eating, and he refuses to check his blood sugar, I mean what the hell? I don't understand this and I don't know what to do. He's acting like a 5 year old again. I am almost starting to wish I had left him when I had that one golden ****ing opportunity to do so. I wish I could talk to you right now.

But, I will see you tomorrow unless something interferes and i will actually be able to SEE you!!

I was listening to this song last night that reminded me of my transference T. Especially the part that went “he pleads and he try’s but he’s always denied.” I mean is it normal for her to completely ignore me like this even after my Pdoc said I could email her? I mean like what is she thinking and feeling regarding me?

I eat mint Aero candy bars because they remind me of her. But I’m running out of them. Kind of like how I’m running out of energy to continue to stress about this when she wants nothing to do with me.

Those candy bars are hard to find since they are European. Maybe I should just stop eating them and drinking the blue fruit tea that also reminds me of her.

Really looking forward to seeing you. Only 1.5 hours to go. I feel much better than I did at the weekend, but it will still be nice to talk about it.

Dear T,

I liked this one today. I really liked this one. BUT.... there's a couple of big buts here.... Sessions are 50 minutes for £50. 90 minutes £90. That's double what I was paying you and I just don't know if I can afford that. She also won't reply to any emails I send, though she did say she would read them, which surely would take longer?

I don't know. She has given me a few options to think about, and talking it through with R I do think that maybe this is the right one, if we can find some form of a compromise. I'm going to end up paying for it, but like R said, if she is worth it, then it is worth it and it could end up cheaper in the long run.

He said that this is the first one I have come home from and seemed in any way enthusiastic about. It's the little things. Like how I was really struggling at the beginning, she was asking me how the space felt, but I couldn't see it, because I couldn't look anywhere except behind me. She was sat over the other side of the room and I just couldn't look over there. After a few minutes though out of the corner of my eye I noticed that she had turned her chair around so that she wasn't looking at me. She hadn't turned all the way around, but just so that she was side on to me. Little things like that make it easier, and make me see that she might be willing to try things, methods, techniques etc. I felt like I could breathe when I saw that, and it really helped me to feel a little more comfortable.

She seemed competent and she seemed normal. And she seemed nice, I think, though I only caught a glimpse of that towards the end.

So now we just need to figure out a way of working that suits both of us I guess. So that she feels like she is being fairly financially compensated for her time and effort and I feel like I am not paying well above what I can realistically afford. I'm not sure how much she will compromise, my gut says not at all, but maybe we just wait and see, maybe that's ok.

I guess I should have been more patient with h yesterday, L. This morning he ate fruit for breakfast (strawberries) and a yogurt, and walked a mile on the treadmill. He seems back to normal spirits today. I guess I better buckle up for a roller coaster ride. I'll talk to you on the 27th.

Dear T,
This is such a silly little thing, because, I mean, it's a major newspaper. But it felt sort of nice when I mentioned something and you said, "We must have been reading the same article," and I mentioned that it was from one of two newspapers (forgot which), and you said that we were.

And for some reason, the thing that's most making me think from session is your saying that maybe I'm not so much the introvert that I think I am. Because I think you're right--that I'm actually more in the middle. And that could help explain one aspect of why I've struggled with Covid precautions so much--because human interaction, even just seemingly random stuff like with a waiter at a restaurant, is actually pretty important to me and to my well-being. And maybe it really is more social anxiety than introversion.

Funny how a session that can seem disjointed/scattered from my perspective can potentially lead to an important insight...

Also, I wonder what you are--I'd peg you as more of an introvert, the more I've gotten to know you. Or somewhere in the middle? I thought more extrovert at first, but I think perhaps I was just stereotyping you as an athlete...

Love,
LT

I have a starting date now too. Ugh I’m sorry about those 3 crisis emails in a row. I can’t tell what’s making me more nervous right now. Anticipating the other emails from work coming in or the one from you. But I logged out of all my email accounts for tonight.

Transference T. I guess we’re done for sure. There’s still a small part thinking you’ll email me back. I always thought this was the week you went on vacation. But then why didn’t I get an out of office email. I just have to give up and I’m hoping if I throw myself into my job and get back into the routine I was in from November 2017- March 2020 I won’t focus on you anymore.

But I didn’t eat any mint aero bars or drink the tea today.

Thanks for trying your best, T. It’s times like these that I wonder if I am really hopeless.

ok that was totally weird L, I was driving home from the gym a little bit ago and clear as day I heard you say my name in my head. Weird.

Oh, T. today is a bad day.

E-I hope you can help tomorrow.

I fear my email to you today really means it’s probably not a good idea to go through with what we discussed last night. How can my feelings change like someone flipping a switch, though? I mean… I’m scrambling for an answer to that. My mind is going in mad little circles today. I’m sure we’ve even touched on the possible cause, too. I’m just too unfocused to try and remember what you said. My mind holds onto the things I need most like a sieve holds golden syrup!

I’m slowly starting to accept the fact that my transference T isn’t going to respond to my email. I’ve had to check my email all day because of other very important emails I’m supposed to be getting. I’m like 99% sure though my current T will email me tomorrow since I have a session Monday morning and she likes to know what’s been going on so we can discuss it in sessions. I honestly just don’t feel a connection with her. She’s nice and I look forward to our sessions. But she’s nothing special. I don’t care if she likes me or not. I think she doesn’t really understand me. But she’s professional about it at least and doesn’t show it.

Perhaps "nothing special" is a good thing in a T? The relationship will be more flexible if T doesn't press any particular buttons.

Trusting you through this is hard.

Are you in or are you out?!