Couch 232: Not Sully!

I can see that I had better keep my triceps under wraps. You lil'ladies would go wild in the aisles.

So we've looked at 4 apartments in-person. Two sucked. One is awesome, but it's a little too expensive and it doesn't have "fast enough" internet speeds for H. The other one is far (45min drive from current apartment). And we don't actually qualify for the rent.

I'm so scared we're going to be evicted any day now. And then we won't qualify for any apartment.

Una would. As I think everyone knows, I’m more into cleavage.

I got a letter today informing me that they've served the restraining order to my ex. They included his address in the letter. This was not information I wanted to know.

I had not heard of such a thing. Poor neglected thing was having to make do with a soft blanket. The heated beds look kind of expensive but I think he needs one to warm his old man bones. I will have to order him one.

Hugs Kit

Hugs all around to those who need/want and dignified head nods also as appropriate.

I didn't go out to eat last night, instead just noshed on leftover pizza straight outta the fridge. I was too pooped to pop! But that gave me a little energy back so then I took myself out for a longer than usual walk, then came home, fed the cats/injected diabetic cat, went to bed early and slept like a rock. Let the new day begin! H may or may not be home by my lunch time, depending on if he's driving straight through or if he stopped and got a room for the night.

My chonkadonk

Good minion.

Adorable! And sitting very much like a person.

Wow yesterday sucked.

I had a Zoom appointment with IOP T. It didn't go well. Then it went worse. She said I was at high risk for suicide and self harm and asked me to go to the hospital. I asked her if by going to the hospital I would jeopardize my place in IOP. She said no, that when I got out I could just start back up. I really wasn't feeling overly suicidal but she was very insistent that I go to the hospital. So I went.


While I am in the ER waiting forever to talk to the psychiatrist, I get a text message from my IOP case manager Ray telling me that IOP is not the place for me. That management has decided I need a higher level of care that they won't be providing and that he will try to find me some resources closer to me. (There are none. I live in a rural area.) So I got kicked out of IOP. I'm so upset.


First, my IOP T told me that I wouldn't get kicked out. She also told me that this wouldn't be our last session because she wanted to see me again. I believed her. Second I was told that after 30 days you could do aftercare in IOP. I did more than 40 days and I don't have access to aftercare. This sucks.


So, as I was sitting there waiting, now I was feeling really bad but I still didn't feel like I was an imminent threat to myself. So when I got to talk to the psychiatrist via telehealth, I was like, listen, I really want to go home. This is what is going on. So he really listened to me. He talked to the IOP case manager twice, he talked to my parents twice. He tried to get ahold of my psychiatrist but it was in the evening and I'm not sure I have his correct cell phone number. So he gave me a new medication called Zyprexa, well I will have to pick it up at the pharmacy today, or likely my Dad will, to take as an as needed basis. I forget what the initials are for that. Is it PRN? And I got to come home after being at the hospital for about 7.5 hours.


Then I had emailed my IOP therapist saying this was crap and that I wasn't angry (which was true at the time but I think now I might be angry) but that I was hurt and disappointed over being kicked out of IOP when I listened to them and did everything I was told to do. She sent me back an email which was basically like, it's out of my hands, and I'm sorry you are upset but everything I've done is to protect you and I've done my best. Etc Etc. Not enough of an apology or whatever it was I was needing!


So now, I really need to find a T ASAP. I have the one lady that I tried over the weekend. I wasn't sold on her but I'll give her another shot. Or a couple of tries anyway. But this totally sucks. I keep crying. I cried myself to sleep last night. And I don't cry so that's a big thing. I'm really upset.


Oh and before the session with IOP T I had asked her for a letter or an email that I could hang onto while she was on vacation and after I couldn't see her anymore. I think it's called a transitional object. She was like, you're breaking boundaries. You're causing a toxic relationship. Stuff like that. Wow. I don't know where that was coming from. My former T would write me letters before she went to Singapore every other year and I had that to hang onto for the three weeks that she was gone. So that really sucked too. I was very disengaged with her and she could tell and she told me my cognitive functioning was low yesterday and stuff like that. All of that really hurt too.


So today I am at work. I am crying a lot. My Dad brought me a coffee which is so nice. He is like, I know you didn't get enough sleep so I thought I would bring this to you. I told him I've been crying and he doesn't really understand but he's like I don't think your IOP handled that very well. I don't know what I need couchies, but I'm such a mess today and such a wreck. I can't decide if I am angry or hurt or scared or overwhelmed or what.

So sorry to hear this, Kit. It seems irresponsible of your IOP T to say that you wouldn't get kicked out if you went to the hospital. Surely she must be familiar with the requirements of the programme?

I wouldn't be surprised if you were feeling all of the above. I hope you are able to take really good care of yourself over the next few days.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this, Kit.

My guess is your IOP T was making promises she really didn't have the authority to make - basically the director of the program sets the rules/tone, etc. And when she spoke to that person, that person made a different decision. My experience with the therapists with hospitals/IOP programs, is that they really don't engage patients terribly personally - certainly not much one-on-one. Your IOP T may have been stepping outside of those usual boundaries for the program and got called on it. Unfortunately, the trickle-down comes to you. I would probably not expect much more from the IOP therapist.

I hope you can find a therapist to see on your own. Look for someone well-experience with psychosis so that they know how to work with those specific issues. Some therapists just aren't as knowledgeable with more serious mental health issues.

Be gentle with yourself.

Ive missed the big guy!

Kit - that all sounds very manipulative of them.

Oh Kit I'm so sorry all of that is happening. Sending hugs Be gentle with yourself. I agree with Lost it does seem irresponsible of your IOP T to say that you wouldn't get kicked out if you went to the hospital.

Kit, I would be feeling angry about the whole IOP situation as well. Obviously not knowing what was said to make her think you needed to go to the hospital, it seems like they really mishandled the situation. Also saying that you're making things toxic by asking for a letter seems really hurtful and out of line. Hugs.

Thanks everyone for the hugs. I really appreciate it.

I have been texting with my case manager from IOP today. He went before the director and plead my case. He said I haven't harmed since the one time at the beginning of program, the ER doctor didn't hold me, and I've come a long way in program and am almost done. I have to sign some sort of safety contract/commitment but they are going to let me back into IOP. My case manager is a miracle worker. I am so thankful for him. I don't know if I want to see the IOP T again but I might not have a choice. At least she is on vacation until Friday of next week. I'm going to have another therapist do check in's with me while she is out. I don't know what that will look like but okay. I'm not thrilled about having to sign a contract. I think it is actually counter productive for the IOP place. They are basically acknowledging that I am a risk to myself and that they are continuing to treat me. I don't see how that could go their way in court but I'll sign the paper anyway, since it will get me back into IOP. My case manager is an angel.


At least I've stopped crying. And I got an appointment with my PCP for tomorrow at 2:30 PM. The hospital wanted me to follow up with her. I'm not actually sure what she will be able to do for me but okay. An appointment I have.

Im so sorry to hear that

Oh Kit, I'm so sorry they put you through all that. I wonder what it was that made them consider you were at a higher risk than usual to insist that you went to the hospital?

Glad to hear that they've let you back into the program though after your case manager's intervention.

I hope you can do something nice for yourself to help relax and take your mind off things.

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Thanks East17

I think it was a combination of things. My affect was off, the therapist said my cognitive functioning was low (I think I was just emotionally shut down because of what she was saying but okay), my depression was high, urges to self harm were high (although that is pretty typical for me--doesn't mean I act on it), and I had some suicidal thoughts but like a 3 on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst. I also expressed hopelessness and I think that was my downfall. She was like, you have too many risk factors. I need you to go to the hospital. Can I trust you to do it voluntarily? Well I sure as heck wasn't going to be forced to go so I said I would go. But when I talked to the psychiatrist there and told him what was going on he was like let's see how we can get you home safely. So he wasn't very concerned about it. Oh and I was having hallucinations which are also typical for me. But she is a new therapist. She is still working on getting her 3000 hours to get licensed so I think she scares easier than some that have been around the block longer. I really didn't feel that I was that high of a risk for suicide and I told that to the ER doctor and he listened to me. He also talked to my case manager and my parents a couple of times so he felt pretty confident in releasing me with a new medication.

Yes, I am very happy for my case manager. I am very displeased with the whole you have to sign a safety commitment contract because I feel like all the stuff on the contract I've already been doing. So I don't know what their problem is. But I signed it so I can get back into IOP. Even though I think it is demeaning and ridiculous.


I'm definitely looking for something nice to do for myself. I plan on staying home tonight instead of going to my religious studies and maybe staying home tomorrow night as well. Just to even out the stress. I might take a nice hot shower tonight or tomorrow night IDK when for sure and light a candle and all of that stuff. Use some nice lotions and stuff. I am trying to think of some other nice things I could do for myself. I don't know what yet. I've been through a heck of a lot these past few days so I recognize the need for self care for sure. Thank you! HUGS Kit

Kit, I'm so glad your case manager was able to intervene on your behalf and get you back into the program.

Thank you, Artie.

Hugs, Kit. I'm so sorry you had to deal with all that. It sounds like the IOP T overreacted. I've always heard that you need to have a desire, a plan, and an intent to carry it out in order to be hospitalized. If you were only a 3 on feeling that, it seems like the ER pdoc made the right decision to send you home. I'm glad they're letting you stay in the program. I hope you can find a good regular T.

SK sorry the therapist over-reacted. Sometimes (or often in my opinion) those guys just make life harder for people