Couch 233: Nothing’s Ghana Stop Us Now

LT...I agree it would probably be the best thing for her to repeat a grade due to the covid year. I know schools just want to push them through but I really don't see how that is going to help kids learn who are already behind. It just seems like they are setting them up for a lifetime of failure in school.

I also understand that you probably have higher expectations due to being an honor student and feel disappointed that D can't do better but acceptance is a big part of improving ones own mental health. D is her own person and as such needs her own set of goals especially being on the spectrum. It doesn't make her ir you any better or worse. It is just the way things are, for everyone actually.

Perfection is not the goal and a D might actually be an improvement. It all depends on what you are comparing it to. Progress and effort is what areally matters in the end. While your parents looked down on a C, there are many more that praise a C. It is all relative.

As she gets older I am sure she will find her niche and maybe she won't be great at that either but it will make her happy and give her self worth. Right now what matters is how you respond. If she is trying her best, that is all you can expect.

As for letter grades, I guess I am old school because I had letter grades sincec 1st grade. I did also have S, N, and U for things like effort and conduct for the first few years.

Thanks for all the support and suggestions!

LT. The district should be able to do the initial ADHD testing themselves. I know my son was initially diagnosed through the school district. Only when we were pursuing medication did the doctor get involved. FYI: Pediatricians often will also diagnose ADHD - it is not an unusual diagnosis for them. I think ours sent us to a pediatric neurologist just to rule out other issues, then sent some paperwork to teachers, etc., made recommendations that were presented in the IEP meeting, and that was about it.

If she has already been retained once, I would discourage a second retention - it really won't serve her well, and becomes a more significant problem the older she gets and the age difference becomes a bigger factor. Research doesn't support retention beyond very early grades and not more than once. Once she has the ADHD diagnosis, further accommodations can be made.

The fact is, pretty much most students are behind right now which means your daughter is not particularly different in that aspect. We know we have students who are going to need time to make progress, and that progress may be slow. We are seeing HUGE issues with behaviors, students are out of practice with socializing, academic tasks, general coping skills. You name it; we're dealing with it. This is going to take a few years - honestly. We see the biggest issues in the youngest kids who honestly never had settled into regular school to start with.

Remember: you have a special needs child and you can only measure her against herself. Our middle child was served under special education for ADHD, speech delay, fine motor deficits, etc. It helped to remember that they progressed at a slower pace, in their own time, and no amount of tutoring was really going to make those issues go away. The goal was to work toward figuring out how to make learning work with those challenges, and sometimes that was a very slow process and A LOT of trial and error. But they improved a bit each year, managed to graduate, and took some college courses (without need for any accommodations) quite successfully.

Thanks, Artley. In terms of diagnosis, we asked her pediatrician, and she wants us to get an outside diagnosis first. I've reached out to a few places (recommended by my T and others) but haven't been able to schedule anything yet. One of the locations said probably not until January, but their scheduler was away, so they'd have to get back to me (was supposed to be today, but they didn't). Some of the bigger places near me, from past experience (getting the autism diagnosis), would likely have a 6-month or longer waiting list. There's also the decision of whether pursuing full neuropsych testing (which could cost thousands of dollars, but we'll pay if needed) vs. seeing a psychiatrist, who could maybe do a 60-minute assessment and potentially prescribe something.

We do want the school to do another assessment--they're supposed to do one every 3 years, but got delayed by Covid (her last was in 2017, when she got autism put in her school records--they actually wouldn't accept an outside diagnosis for that, I don't think, even though we had one from a very reputable place). We are interested in pursuing medication, so want to get an outside assessment anyway. My T has said there are lots of options for ADHD meds now, in several different classes (not all stimulants), so I'm hoping we can find something that helps. Which is why I hope to involve a psychiatrist, who would have the most up-to-date info, though it may depend on availability (there seem to be a lot of psychiatric nurse practitioners in the area as well, so might pursue one of those while being on a waitlist for an MD psychiatrist).

And thanks for the reminder to measure her against herself. She's come a long way in the past few years. The challenge with report cards is that they measure her against expectations for her age and peers. Thanks for sharing your experience with your child, too--that's encouraging!

Haven't seen @Lemoncake or @chihirochild around in a while. I hope they're both doing okay.

Two therapy appointments today. Two sets of cleavage on display. (Info was sick so we shifted to Zoom but she still managed cleavage somehow in a sweatshirt--pale blue terry, if you must know.)

I'm still making my mind up about Visa.

Pros: Extremely useful on the hearing disability issue. Doesn't resort to cliches or infantilize/talk down to me. Generally avoids typical therapist-y lines and psychobabble and doesn't BS me.

Cons: Admitted today she has ADHD and that was why she kept glancing at her laptop screen (open email). I mean she didn't seem any less effective for it and she apologized and offered to close it when I asked "what do you keep looking at on the screen?" Also admitted she gets impatient when she has to repeat herself because I don't hear her. (She wasn't noticeably impatient, she just volunteered that she does have a tendency that way.)

I talked about the same issue with both (the new request for accommodations is going just about as well as you would expect, meaning badly) and Visa took the logical approach and Info took the emotional approach. I guess it was a good complement.

Info also complained that if she had credit card logos on her desk for clients to see, I'd have told her off about them by now. But I haven't told Visa off. (What can I say? Sometimes I'm nice to the new people.)

I would actually appreciate advice or thoughts if anyone has any. Thanks.

About the only time im nice to people is when they are new.

Just dropped in to send hugs all around to those who want. H is on a long distance job to los angeles so I'm having a relaxing evening after working 2 hours OT today.

I tend to land on the practical side: Am I getting what I need out of this? I am a little unimpressed by the email-checking, though. Not cool.

Sorry the accommodations request is going badly.

L went a little out there on me today. In her email, she wrote to the different parts of me. That was weird for me.

LT - I agree with atisketatasket regarding private school tutoring after school. If you can afford it, there's a licensed one online who is able to help children in other states, or can refer you to the resources in your own state. I can private message you, if you'd like. She graduated from Harvard and helps children with their lessons and homework, homeschools, preps teens for their SATs and ACTs, and preps undergrads with their GREs, etc. She has also published books. I'm not sure how expensive she is, but if you can afford it, she does work with children with special needs.

If that doesn't work, I hope the school will find an assistant. That sounds like a great plan as well!

Hang in there. ((( safe hugs and wishes )))

After nearly 12 months and i dont know how many brands and types of kitty litter i have found one that my stressy cat likes and he hasnt peed in the laundry basket or other places around the house for a couple of weeks now..

I sometimes feel weird when my T speaks directly to a different part during our online sessions. But then the different parts inside feel better, which then make me feel weird before I feel better later. It's an adjustment to being co-conscious with alters. (((( ))))

Your T using a disability as an excuse is not really ethical or professional. T's who state their own life experiences and/or disabilities should only do so if it helps to benefit the client, not as an excuse for being inattentive, distracted, or otherwise lacking in areas that you might need during session. Furthermore, the licensing of mental health professionals sometimes includes disclosing their mental disabilities and adhering to standards for which therapists must have their disabilities under control and/or managed in some way so that it doesn't affect the nature of their job, the treatments they offer their clients, and/or harm. Based on these things that I've known about and/or read about, it would appear that your T is bordering on being unethical, not adhering to the state's licensing requirements, and affecting your treatment. There are many different T's who are good at their work, despite having a mental disability or otherwise. But that's because they have learned to manage their disability so that it doesn't affect their work in a negative way - operative word here is "negative." Sometimes disabilities could be positive, but it takes getting to know their clients/patients well enough beforehand, and it should benefit their treatment - not just the relationship themselves.

Your T might react defensively if you bring that up, so this is a tricky area. Most of the time, us peers would offer you advice on speaking with your T about those concerns. However, in this case, your T sounds like her ADHD is not managed well, based on her using it as an excuse during your session.

You have a choice to report her to the board, after first speaking with her about that. You'd then have to find a new T, because you wouldn't be able to continue with her if you report her to the board. Or, you don't report her, but you have an exit conversation with her and then find a new T on your own. Or, your don't waste your money and time on her, and instead, you have grounds to just quit and find a new T altogether. If she is being supervised by someone in an agency, you could report that to the supervisor instead of to the board, but then it might create conflicts for you to feel safe with any other T in that organization.

Honestly, if it were me, I'd find a new T.

Or, you know, it could be that atisketatasket asked a simple question and the therapist replied with a simple explanation.

Yes, this is how I look at it.

Also, as I said: it did not make her any less helpful.

OK, I heard back from one of the child psychiatry centers in my area that had been recommended both by Dr. T and my D's former school psychologist. We now have two appointments (one parents only, the other with D) with one of their child psychiatrists in early December. He has 20 years of experience, and ADHD and autism are two of his specialty areas. So hoping he will be able to help her. And I like that they do a parent-only session as part of the intake, too (we're doing that one telehealth, the other in person).

I hope they are helpful, LT.

H got back home at like 5am this morning, he drove pretty much straight through with the exception of stopping for the actual delivery, for gas, and food. I don't know how he does it. I would have spent the night over there somewhere! But he LOVES to drive, and he doesn't like spending part of his pay on a hotel, especially in Los Angeles so.... he said he listened to Howard Stern interviewing Paul McCartney, and said what an excellent interview it was. Apparently Sir Paul wrote a book about his lyrics, and h is like I want to read it! So I said well maybe I'll get it for you for Christmas. I just looked it up on Amazon and it's (gulp) $90!! Holy carp. Well, I have been working overtime lately.... and January overtime is coming too.... so I may just buy it for him. I'd love to read it too, I bet it will be really interesting. I see on kindle it's less, but h wouldn't want to read it like that. I would, I have tons of books on my kindle app!

Thanks, Artie!