Couch 233: Nothing’s Ghana Stop Us Now

Plus its taken me until now to really react.

I need somebody to come around and threaten me with consequences once in a while. My motivation is dead. I know i am never going to get what i want, unless its a rat cage with an intermittently electrified floor.

Somehow I did finally make the decision shortly after my birthday this year that I want to be accountable to myself where my weight/physical health is concerned. That particular decision I made wholeheartedly and it is working out very well. On the heels of that, this decision should not be as hard as it feels, should it.

But they’re different decisions. You working on health involves just you, plus there are benefits. Even if you never lose weight, you love swimming and it makes you happy.

But the therapist—my sense is that she has been your major, sometimes sole, source of love and support for a decade. That’s much harder to give up, and it doesn’t lead to quick benefits like swimming—you have to remake your life so that you get that love and support from elsewhere. And that’s more difficult to do and involves change and chaos, plus there is no guaranteed good result.

Those are all good points, @@, thank you. So hard to see in myself, what's so obvious to other people.

So much to think on. And it's past my bedtime. Night, couch. Thanks for listening.

These are good points. Plus, with swimming, when you hurt your shoulder, you stopped for a while. And then you went back to it when you were ready. With your T, when to take a break and come back isn't entirely up to you--it's also partly up to your T.

I will say, too, that I don't see anything wrong with going monthly or mostly stopping, then just calling to request an appointment when you feel you need one. Or to pause, then return to work through a particular issue, like resume weekly for a month or two.

Dr. T has said he has a client who used to see him weekly, then he gradually switched to monthly and has been doing that for a long time. He said the client calls them his "monthly tuneups," like getting a car checked out regularly to make sure it keeps running well. He also has some clients who are in college out of state now who might just see him when they're home on breaks. And he said with the pandemic, he got some requests to see him from past clients who'd terminated (and he saw some).

Pre-rupture, ex-MC had also said once that if H and I terminated, we'd always be welcome to come back as long as he was still practicing. How some clients will do that to process something they're going through in their lives or marriage. I liked the idea of the door not being shut permanently.

But I guess it doesn't matter what other T's do--in your case, Artie, it's what L is willing and open to do. And also what you feel will work best for you now and in the long run. Perhaps it could help to consider a different T if monthly or occasional seems right for you now, but L isn't into it. Though I think you should have a discussion with L to see exactly what she meant by her comment and what she'd be open to, as it seemed like monthly had been working well for a bit.

I'm sorry. I'm confused. Why can't a client make an appointment whenever they want? Is it like a specific time and day? Then I can understand if the therapist might be busy, they can't necessarily accommodate that. But to call up and say you need an appointment shouldn't be an issue. Maybe there was a miscommunication or misunderstanding?

Therapy is like breastfeeding. Once you're weaned, you no longer have access, by mutual agreement.

Thanks LT. I do want to have that discussion with her. In the past I would have emailed asking for clarification about it but I really don't feel welcome to do that anymore. I need to do some more soul-searching about why I didn't want to stop completely, why I went to the monthly thing instead of stopping when I didn't feel the need or want to do weekly anymore. I have a hunch it's mostly because I think I'm not ready to let go of her emotionally. I was afraid to full-stop scheduled sessions with the option of occasional tune-ups because I thought as soon as I did a tune-up I would want to start again. So it felt 'safer' if that makes sense to just schedule less frequently. I am starting to realize now that may have been a poor decision on my part, that I should have just stopped when the option of tune-up sessions was still on the table, and yesterday's little rift was the consequence of that decision, which by not calling her and crying to her on the phone about it after I left yesterday, I am working on accepting.

I have another hunch that the only way I'm going to get past this it to actually make the decision to leave and do it like @@ said and accept the consequences, one of which may very well be that tune-up sessions are no longer an option. I've been in this place several times before and tried to leave, but always went back because I think I never fully committed to making the decision to do it and accept the consequences both; I was still too emotionally immature to do the 2nd part. I feel like I've grown a lot since the last time and am more ready and willing to do that.

Another thought is maybe the whole 10 year thing got to both of us a little.

I actually kinda like this analogy. In my case, it's the weaning period that needs some massive clarification.

I was confused yesterday too when she said that. In the past she would say "You can always ask." As in, she might not always be able to schedule, but I could always ask. That feels gone now, and is why I think I messed with the dynamic of the relationship (in her mind, not in mine) by going to monthly when I maybe should have stopped instead, at the point where I didn't need/want weekly sessions anymore. Then again, maybe I needed it to happen this way for me to realize that I need to make a decision... that she's not going to make it for me.

I appreciate the discussion, y'all.

How do you know you want to stop, Artie? What is the difference between "I want to stop" and "I could stop" and "I should stop"? I ask because I wonder how I will know when I genuinely want to stop compared to my pulling back due to avoidance or my thoughts about what ideal me (she doesn't even exist) would do.

I know, i know! During what was to be my last session, i kept seeing myself as a cat trying to escape out the door.

We are not all as clear minded as you and your feline similies, my darling una! It sounds like you were absolute about wanting to end. Artie, a more hesitant soul, sounds like she is torn. I am equally as delicate in disposition so I am interested in how Artie knows to listen to the part who says she wants to leave as opposed to the part who wants to stay and stay forever.

And ever.

Amen .

This is a good point. I know for me, in talking of reducing sessions, I tend to be very much like, "I *should* reduce them." Not "I want to" or "I'm ready to do so."

That was the first day the kitty appeared.

Im still not sure why i ever started or continued. I think i always had my answers. I just didnt want to believe them.

That is a very hard place for a 2 year old to be in!

This is a repeat but: I remember my ma being mean to me, and my telling her, just wait til my father gets home! We had recently removed a boarder from our home, so i asked my dad if we couldnt get rid of HER too. He was like no, shes part of the family. I didnt understand what that meant, but i knew i was effed.

Hmm - maybe thats how i felt, like i finally had the wherewithal to escape.

Eta - its like being in love. When you know, you know.

I don't know what it feels like to know when it's time to reduce or stop sessions. But I do know the feeling when I'm willing to transition. For example: reminder emails. L sends me a reminder email everyday. I feel it in me that it's getting tedious and not as meaningful. Yes, I look forward to it everyday because it means she thought of me in that moment to write. But after a year of it, I think I can safely believe her when she says she thinks of me daily. Plus, I'm allowed to write her "Are you there?" emails whenever I need/want to. So I'm still allowed daily contact. And if I want a goodnight reminder, all I have to do is ask. Plus, I felt comfortable with bringing up the idea of stopping to her. So I know I'm ready. I'll probably suggest that we stop after the holidays.

She told me awhile back about some different milestones I've reached therapy-wise (I wish she'd told me these things before) and that we're not even doing actual therapy anymore, that we haven't been for awhile, she's calling it something more like spiritual mentoring. So that's I guess what started the ball rolling this time, hearing that stuff. So I started talking about ending. And she asked me why I think I have to stop. That was when I realized I don't think I have to but that I feel like I should. But that I didn't really want to, not completely. I think the 'should' thing for me comes from the good girl/guilt complex, that thinks well if we're not even doing therapy anymore then I should leave and open up a space for someone else who needs help.

As I examine my reasons for not wanting to stop though - what I'm finding it really boils down to is pretty much not wanting to lose this connection with her, wanting to keep it somehow, without seeing her every week. But, as I learned yesterday, I've already changed it, changed the dynamic between us, by going to monthly. The connection isn't as strong as it used to be as a result; I accept that. It's okay. And I have for the most part actually enjoyed not going every week... it's been a breath of fresh air to not have to examine every.little.thing (one for instance, why I get my hair cut. Why does getting my hair cut have to have some deeper spiritual meaning behind it? I like changing it up, that's all there is to it but she always wants to look for some hidden meaning behind it each time I do). That's just one example. Also, I know that I have gotten what I came for and then some. My biggest all-around goal was to learn how to let myself be happy. And I am happy now. And this latest quandary isn't messing with my happy, I'm not crying over or about it. Just honestly working my way through it.

Another biggie is I've learned how to catch myself in whatever complexes get activated by h and my marriage has gotten a lot better as a result. These things and a bunch more add to the feeling that I should stop. I was journaling about all of this earlier and realized something else - that the next step on my psychological journey isn't going to happen until I stop.

I have pretty much come to the realization that making the decision to stop, following through by actually stopping (and not going back), and accepting the consequences of that decision is the next step in my life journey.

Wow. That was a lot.