Couch 233: Nothing’s Ghana Stop Us Now

I understand why this would bother you.

Personally, I am fine with how he references her, and I am rather sensitive about autism terminology and how she's referenced. For example, I prefer to refer to her as "being on the (autism) spectrum" rather than "being autistic" (I am aware that many teens and adults on the spectrum actually prefer the term "autistic" and are offended by use of "on the spectrum," but I'm talking about my own personal preference at this time.) The T my D saw for a bit, P, used "autistic" in talking to us a few times. I mentioned this to Dr. T, and he has been very careful never to use that term with me (though it's possible he just doesn't use that term anyway).

I tend to be extremely hard on myself as a parent (and in many other areas of my life). And I've in particular been talking in sessions lately about how I don't feel I/we are doing enough for D, that I'm sort of useless as a parent to her most of the time, that I feel I should be doing better because I felt my parents didn't support me as a child (or now!) with my anxiety, OCD, and depression. I feel like I'm failing her.

In describing her as "challenging," to me, Dr. T isn't so much trying to disparage D as to let me know that nearly any parent in my role (or H's role) would likely struggle in some ways in parenting her. Like you said, I'm his client, not D, so he is supporting and validating me and my experiences. And it's helping me to see it that way.

That it's not "I suck as a parent because I don't know how to help my D when she's screaming because she's upset that H chose to wear a particular shirt today" or when she's really upset but can't explain why or when she literally pushes me out of her room. When she vastly prefers H to me 99.9% of the time. When she is sobbing in my arms because H is taking a 30-minute nap, and she can't be with him. When the first words out of her mouth to me when she gets home nearly every day are not "Hi Mom," but, in a very anxious tone, "Did you put my laundry away?" because that gives her anxiety (my answer is always "no"). There are many other things, too, and much of it is complicated by her struggles to understand and communicate what she's feeling (like she might say "I'm upset because..." and I'll say, "because why?" and she can't answer, or will just seem to pick some random thing).

And, as her teachers have noted, she can go from 0 to 60, like seeming totally fine to screaming and/or running and/or biting herself (which she does *through* her mask at school). She's doing better at soothing herself there, through some breathing or accepting the offer of a brief walk. At home she can go from being really upset and screaming to giggling about something, or vice versa, like a switch just flipped.

Also, Dr. T was partly using "challenging" along with "complex" because in addition to being on the autism spectrum, she also shows elements of ADHD, anxiety, and OCD (which can overlap with autism, but can also be additional diagnoses). So, for example, one thing we were discussing was how there can be multiple reasons why she might struggle having conversation with a peer. She struggles with social connection due to autism, where she might not know *how* to interact (she does better with adults). But there could also be elements of anxiety and ADHD there. Where she may worry about saying the wrong thing. And lack the focus to be able to have a conversation longer than, say, 2 exchanges.

He also was talking the other day about trying to focus on her strengths. And mentioned how he still remembers when he "met" her over the computer last year, that it was only for maybe a minute, but she really made an impression on him, in a positive way. And that from what I've said, many who meet/interact with her tend to have a similar reaction (like teachers and others at the school). And how someone who has that effect on someone in a brief meeting can go far in life because they draw people to them.

I'm adding that to demonstrate that he's not just talking about D in terms of her challenges (which is often how I end up seeing her).

(Note that the "abusive" thing was only mentioned once and I think was a couple years ago. I think he just meant it in the sense that if she were an adult doing it, it would be classified that way, not that she was being abusive. But that was also his trying to validate my feelings, because I was feeling really awful about it.)

OK, I'll stop now! But basically, I get what he's doing and find it to be helpful.

Hugs, Scarlet. I sincerely hope it's not that...

Hugs. I don't have any experience with being in this situation, but I'd say for now be supportive and willing to listen, but don't press the issue too much. Also, if you happen to have any abusive type of people in your family, if it's possible to not have the niece alone with those people for a while until it's cleared up, that'd probably be great.

Thank you. She's 4, and she's behind in her speech, so she's not really talking about it. Just that it hurts. The problem is that whatever happened, happened during when she visited the father. They have 50/50 custody, so my sister can't just not give them to him. There's a history of spanking (which is against court order), but the courts won't do anything. The doctor though, filed a CPS report and my sister is hoping they come out today. The girls go back with their dad tomorrow, so we're all hoping CPS does something this time.

Ugh, I'm so sorry, Scarlet...

Oh Scarlet I'm so sorry.

Oh velcro, I really relate. Hugs.

Scarlet, that must be terrible to go through; I am so sorry.

I am going to get 4(!!!) cavities filled in an hour and a half, so that anxiety is currently overriding the anxiety about my T. I hate the dentist so much, and this is going to be effing terrible.

Hugs, velcro I hope it's not as bad as you fear. I have terrible dental anxiety too. I haven't been back even for a checkup after I had to have a tooth pulled probably 6 years ago now I really need to go for a checkup though. I'm thinking about finding a sedation dentist....

Just heard from the vet a little bit ago, she said Rascal's diabetes is much improved, so that is good news. However she said his kidney levels are higher/worse than last time and she needs another urinalysis to determine more. They weren't able to get a sample yesterday while we were there, so I am trying to get one at home. They gave me a little container of beads to put in a clean litter box, so he has something to scratch on, and a little pippette thingy. He's closed in the bedroom by himself right now to keep the other cats out of it, we'll see how long it takes.

I never got a cat to give a urine sample with those little beads. I hope you get one and he's OK for at least bit longer.

In other news, a colleague tipped me off that the ADA office has complained to the provost's office about me (and my complaints about them) and accordingly the provost's office is now referring to me as a "problem." All I can say is, good.

Also hope the dentist isn't too bad. I also have awful dental anxiety, and I don't even know the last time I went. And also considering sedation one.

Thanks @@. Yeah, he hasn't decided to use them yet, but he's got a bowl of water in there too so he can drink so I'm hoping he'll go for it.

Sorry about the ADA office complaints. I think it's ridiculous of them to complain about your (very legitimate!) requests. I mean isn't that what they are there for in the first place? To help with requests like yours?

Coincidentally as I'm accepting that I'm going to feel some sadness around letting go of L, I got an email this morning from DailyOM about "sitting with our sadness". One of the things it talks about is that "the ability to surrender and the acceptance of change go hand in hand". I've never been a fan of change; maybe because I'm not usually willing to accept the necessary surrender (to sadness, fear, uncertainty, whatever)?

But this is a change that, despite the sadness that comes along with it, I feel strongly about the necessity of at this time.

I've also never liked making big decisions; I'm sure that's partly because in the past I have always been afraid to accept the consequences of such. It's been much easier for me to make a half-assed decision, not fully follow through on it so there's no consequences other than me stepping firmly back into victim mode and saying it's because "I'm broken". But I'm not broken. And now that I have made this decision, I feel even more strongly about following through on it. Like another burden has lifted!! Like I'm growing up a little more again. Like there's more out there for me and I'm now on my way to finding it instead of stuck where I was.

It's been really helpful to write about this and discuss it here.

Edit: Nevermind, figured it out. Trigger warning for dentist talk.

[ trigger ] but without the spaces [ /trigger ] is that what you mean?

Yep, figured it out right after I posted that. Thank you.

Well my cat managed to give me at least a little sample about an hour before the vet closed for the day. I got it up there before they closed so should hear something tomorrow. This particular cat we had the best chance of getting him to use the beads, as he's been fanatical about using a litter box since he was a kitten. His mama cat taught him well. I think he only peed outside of it once - and that was when he accidentally got closed in a closet for several hours and we didn't know it. He had no choice.

I got to talk to the CPS worker. My niece is not to be around the father until the case is closed. Great news. Bad news:
L is trying to help me the best she can. I don't know how much more I can take: finances, my dog, my niece, taking care of everyone, etc. It's too much. I'm trying to stay out of the hospital, but I don't know how much longer I can go. L wants me to go to bed early tonight and try to get extra rest. My mind is so foggy and messed up right now. I'm trying not to SH too. It's been 6.5 years. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again.

Oh Scarlet. So very sorry this is happening.

I'm really sorry, Scarlet...

I remember being stunned when my exT said he had dental phobia and hadnt been to a dentist in 2 years this was after i told him i hasnt been in 15 years! I swear he never understood anything i was trying to say.

hugs if wanted, Scarlet. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I hope you can choose some self-care too.

Ugh. Hugs velcro. I went under general anesthesia when I got all 4 wisdom teeth pulled. 2 were impacted. I've huge dental anxiety, c/ptsd etc. So scaling and polishing already is tough.