[*Beth*]

For about a year I've been seeing my therapist twice per week. She says I've made tremendous progress. I can see a few areas in my life in which I have made progress, but nothing outstanding. More and more, she tells me about her life and things she's doing, or beliefs she has about spirituality and such. It seems to me that she's confused between us being friends and us being client and T. I like her; she's a tremendously warm and caring person. But her skills are with CBT and mindfulness. Not new to me, and never has been especially helpful - if at all.

I would like to tell my therapist that I want to cut back to once/week. And that's where I'm stuck: surely, she will take my idea as rejection. I don't know how to really assert myself so I make it clear that I don't think it's worth my time and effort to come in twice per week...without being blunt.

Another consideration is that the clinic where my T works moved to a new, large building. I dislike her new office. It's brightly lit and very small, with no window. That's having a negative effect on me.

I feel so stuck. I'd sure appreciate feedback, ideas, or suggestions.

[Amyjay]

Hey Bethrags. I'd encourage you to be really proactive about getting your needs met. You've clearly outlined in your post what is and isn't working for you, and what you do and don't want. Do you need reminder that getting your own needs met does not equal tramping all over other people's needs? Or that other's needs don't necessarily trump your own? They are simply just yours, and you are the only person in the whole entire world who knows exactly what they are. You are also the only person in the whole entire world who is responsible for getting them met. So, I would strongly encourage you to gather your thoughts, take a deep breath, and tell your T what you want to do.

Here's one example of something you could say. "T, from next week onwards I am only going to come to see you once a week."
She might ask why. An example of a response would be "I don't need to come twice a week anymore." or "I want to try once a week to see how I manage." Or. "I'm finding our talks are often like general chit chat and I don't find them helpful." Or. "Coming twice a week isn't helping me meet my goals". Or. "We seem to filling our time with general chat, which signals to me I no longer need that higher level of support." I would suggest NOT being untruthful in your response. Be authentic to you, and to her.

I can see that you are concerned about her feelings and don't want her to feel rejected. But. She isn't meeting her side of the professional bargain. You are the only person who can stick up for YOU. You owe this to yourself!

Sorry if I have been too forward.
I wish for you the virtue of assertiveness!

[Amyjay]

Alternatively, tell T you want to take a break for x amount of weeks, and actively seek out another T to try for fit. It doesn't seem like this T is a terribly good fit for you. It can be hard to change, because attachments, but you will never know if there is (and there is!) a better T for you out there if you don't try. It does sound like there are quite a few things that are not sitting well with you with this T at the moment.
This is your life. Seize the day!

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I would just tell her straight out that I'd like to cut down to once a week. If she asks about the reason, I think it being a lot of time allocated to therapy and effort is fine to say, that doesn't mean you think she's not doing a good job or the things you outlined in your post. You could throw in something about the office if you want to. I'm also wondering whether you'd have the option to switch therapists, since from your post I gather that you still think there's progress to be made, but maybe not with her, the office adding on top of that?

Ideally, a therapist works towards the goal of never seeing you again. To feel rejected by progress that your clients are making would be a red flag from a therapist for me. Or rather, if she lets you actually feel that and maybe tries to guilt you into not cutting back. A good T will - when they have the impression you're improving like she said about you - accept that part of this journey is you seeing them less and less. If they cannot deal with that, they need to work on that during their own time. I can see why if you already feel that it's more of a bit of a friendship than therapy, the worry is there that she might not be up to the task of not letting her feelings influence this part of therapy. But if it actually plays out like that and she tries to push you towards staying on two times a week, I think that would show you that you are indeed correct with your impressions of her and that cutting down or even switching therapists is really the right thing to do.

[ScarletPimpernel]

You could blame it on any number of things, but I would be directly honest if it were me. If you are worried about her feeling rejection, remember that you are not responsible for other people's feelings, especially your T's. You should do what you feel is best for you; not what's best for her.

[Rive.]

I would invite you to be direct BethRags. This is, after all, your therapy. And, as the client, ought to be the one getting something out of your sessions.

This

And that's where I'm stuck: surely, she will take my idea as rejection

is concerning as it shows your T has got too enmeshed(?) or at least lost her objectivity and certainly professionalism. A T should not feel 'rejected' by a client stating their needs. She seems to be 'forgetting' that it is *not* about her. Or it shouldn't be.

Even her talking about herself, her life and beliefs is not appropriate. She is not putting your needs first.

I would be direct - kind but direct. Otherwise, it is a waste of your time, energy, emotional investment, money...

surely, she will take my idea as rejection

Will she? How do you know? This sounds like a projection to me. Do you feel rejected by her? Are there parts of yourself you are rejecting because you find them uncomfortable? What has rejection looked like before for you and how do you manage it now?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Hey Bethrags. I'd encourage you to be really proactive about getting your needs met. You've clearly outlined in your post what is and isn't working for you, and what you do and don't want. Do you need reminder that getting your own needs met does not equal tramping all over other people's needs? Or that other's needs don't necessarily trump your own? They are simply just yours, and you are the only person in the whole entire world who knows exactly what they are. You are also the only person in the whole entire world who is responsible for getting them met. So, I would strongly encourage you to gather your thoughts, take a deep breath, and tell your T what you want to do.

Here's one example of something you could say. "T, from next week onwards I am only going to come to see you once a week."
She might ask why. An example of a response would be "I don't need to come twice a week anymore." or "I want to try once a week to see how I manage." Or. "I'm finding our talks are often like general chit chat and I don't find them helpful." Or. "Coming twice a week isn't helping me meet my goals". Or. "We seem to filling our time with general chat, which signals to me I no longer need that higher level of support." I would suggest NOT being untruthful in your response. Be authentic to you, and to her.

I can see that you are concerned about her feelings and don't want her to feel rejected. But. She isn't meeting her side of the professional bargain. You are the only person who can stick up for YOU. You owe this to yourself!

Sorry if I have been too forward.
I wish for you the virtue of assertiveness!

Thank you, Amyjay! Your suggestions are excellent. And yes - I have a problem with being assertive, which is ironic considering that problem is exactly what's happening with my therapist.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Alternatively, tell T you want to take a break for x amount of weeks, and actively seek out another T to try for fit. It doesn't seem like this T is a terribly good fit for you. It can be hard to change, because attachments, but you will never know if there is (and there is!) a better T for you out there if you don't try. It does sound like there are quite a few things that are not sitting well with you with this T at the moment.
This is your life. Seize the day!

She's the kindest soul ever, but no - from the beginning of our therapy about 3 years ago I have not quite connected with her. There have been struggles all along the way - struggles that I know she is not aware of.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ChickenNoodleSoup

I would just tell her straight out that I'd like to cut down to once a week. If she asks about the reason, I think it being a lot of time allocated to therapy and effort is fine to say, that doesn't mean you think she's not doing a good job or the things you outlined in your post. You could throw in something about the office if you want to. I'm also wondering whether you'd have the option to switch therapists, since from your post I gather that you still think there's progress to be made, but maybe not with her, the office adding on top of that?

Ideally, a therapist works towards the goal of never seeing you again. To feel rejected by progress that your clients are making would be a red flag from a therapist for me. Or rather, if she lets you actually feel that and maybe tries to guilt you into not cutting back. A good T will - when they have the impression you're improving like she said about you - accept that part of this journey is you seeing them less and less. If they cannot deal with that, they need to work on that during their own time. I can see why if you already feel that it's more of a bit of a friendship than therapy, the worry is there that she might not be up to the task of not letting her feelings influence this part of therapy. But if it actually plays out like that and she tries to push you towards staying on two times a week, I think that would show you that you are indeed correct with your impressions of her and that cutting down or even switching therapists is really the right thing to do.

Thank you for your input. I feel kind of picky about mentioning the new office, but it really is not comfortable for me...it's kind-of stifling. Reminds me of having a therapy session in a storage closet.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

You could blame it on any number of things, but I would be directly honest if it were me. If you are worried about her feeling rejection, remember that you are not responsible for other people's feelings, especially your T's. You should do what you feel is best for you; not what's best for her.

Thank you for that reminder! I need to hear it and remember it.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Rive.

I would invite you to be direct BethRags. This is, after all, your therapy. And, as the client, ought to be the one getting something out of your sessions.

This is concerning as it shows your T has got too enmeshed(?) or at least lost her objectivity and certainly professionalism. A T should not feel 'rejected' by a client stating their needs. She seems to be 'forgetting' that it is *not* about her. Or it shouldn't be.

Even her talking about herself, her life and beliefs is not appropriate. She is not putting your needs first.

I would be direct - kind but direct. Otherwise, it is a waste of your time, energy, emotional investment, money...

Thank you, Rive. I agree with every point you've made.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

Will she? How do you know? This sounds like a projection to me. Do you feel rejected by her? Are there parts of yourself you are rejecting because you find them uncomfortable? What has rejection looked like before for you and how do you manage it now?

Interesting questions! I will certainly ponder them. Thank you. I do feel rejected by her when she spends 25 minutes telling me about her life. It's as though she's attempting to avoid me.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Interesting questions! I will certainly ponder them. Thank you. I do feel rejected by her when she spends 25 minutes telling me about her life. It's as though she's attempting to avoid me.

Let her talk and only pay her half the fee.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Let her talk and only pay her half the fee.

I love it!!!