Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

LostOnTheTrail · May 03, 2022 at 10:36 AM

Two more sleeps.
I'm fine with shifting our time slightly, but very nervous about how that email landed with you. It's unlike you to leave an email like that unaddressed.

I suppose it's a conversation we will have on Thursday, whether I am ready for it or not.

(Spoiler alert: I don't feel like I'm ready.)

Mountaindewed · May 03, 2022 at 11:10 AM

The doctors office called to set up my procedure and they want me to come in tommorow afternoon. So a few hours after our appointment. It will be interesting since the last time we met 2 weeks ago I just mentioned I had to do another blood test but I wasn't sure on the results. Now 2 weeks later I've done the test and gotten the results back and they show I need another procedure and that procedure is already set up and it happens to be a few hours after our session. I'm not sure how you'll react. I just hate when you give me that pity look. If you were my transference T I'd absolutely want you to be concerned about me. Now I'm not sure what I want you to feel. Basically I just want you to listen and acknowledge my concerns and anxiety. Not necessairly be concerned about me.

velcro003 · May 03, 2022 at 01:39 PM

Omg, I can’t believe i’m going in on Thursday. Is this the right decision? An expensive one to get wrong.

Mountaindewed · May 04, 2022 at 06:46 AM

I hope it was just thinking of you that made my heart do that funny flutter thing and not some other issue. It was weird though since I was thinking of one specfic moment with you but you don't normally turn me on. Maybe its just because I haven't seen you in 2 weeks. I know this is probably me just being silly because of the broken mirror yesterday, but I feel like you are going to have bad news for me today.

LostOnTheTrail · May 04, 2022 at 09:42 AM

I feel really guilty for sending that email, but I know that it would have taken me most of the session to bring it up...if I even felt able to do so.

Given that you'd already text me, would it have been so difficult to write a sentence back? Something like 'I understand how that would have impacted you, and I apologise'?

KLL85 · May 04, 2022 at 10:10 AM

Have you changed your policy on replying to my emails without bothering to tell me? Twice in a row now I’ve emailed and had no reply. Why the sudden change in boundaries? You’ve never not replied before. You absolutely know this would make me feel rejected and abandoned. You know it would cause a rupture. So why do it? If you’re going to change a boundary the least you could do is tell me. I’m exhausted by you. Is this really worth it?

comrademoomoo · May 04, 2022 at 11:08 AM

I hurt you when I said that. I saw you hurting and you told me. Confirmation of what a nasty creature I am. I can't even remember exactly what I said, that's how flippant I am in my vileness.

velcro003 · May 04, 2022 at 12:43 PM

E: I am so glad that I can still write you while I am there. I’m so scared.

Echos Myron redux · May 04, 2022 at 01:58 PM

Despair. That is all.

Mountaindewed · May 04, 2022 at 03:46 PM

They kinda confirmed today that I've been feeling moody as a result of a medical issue. Which I guess is the reason I haven't been finding therapy all that helpful lately. Today we both agreed we talked about sheets for 3/4 of the session. It was a pretty pointless session and we didnt even meet last week. I left feeling the same way I came in. Mediocre.

LostOnTheTrail · May 05, 2022 at 10:53 AM

I think being dumbstruck is different from handling it well.
Moving through it like a handicapped snail feels more appropriate.
I feel like I lost my 'shell' a long time ago.

Mountaindewed · May 05, 2022 at 11:32 AM

I guess our session yesterday wasn't all that pointless. I did buy a tower fan and a couple cooling pillows and pillow cases and a cooling blanket. So I did take your advice. It cost me over $100 so I hope your suggestions really do help with my sleep. Maybe I'm just being a jerk, but I feel like its kind of insenstive to be telling your clients to be buying expensive stuff when they don't currently have a job. I don't know. Maybe thats just me though. I know I didn't have to buy it but I figured you knew what you were talking about.

Waterbear · May 05, 2022 at 04:36 PM

Dear K,

I love you with a very special piece of my heart.

Dear T,

Thank you for understanding what I did the other day, or at least for not making it sound weird. Thank you for saying you were glad it 'went well', even though I would totally get it if you thought it wasn't quite 'right'. We've got some work to do, haven't we, but I must admit here, right now, today, it does at least feel like we might be able to take a couple of those tiny steps up that enormous hill. Just focussing on the here and now, the ground that is right in front of us.

ScarletPimpernel · May 05, 2022 at 08:28 PM

L,
Thank you for the prayer. <3 It meant a lot to me. I hope you don't mind, but I shared it with my dad too. I love you L.

Mountaindewed · May 06, 2022 at 12:08 AM

I've been thinking about my transference T these past few days and I'm like, will the thoughts about her ever 100% completely go away? I know my current therapy situation isn't perfect. But I do believe overall that shes helping me make more progress then my transference T and me were making. I just blur the lines sometimes.

Waterbear · May 06, 2022 at 07:36 AM

Possible trigger warning......
I'm not sure why but I have this quite irrational fear of people all around me just dropping down dead rather suddenly. Not sure I'll ever bring this to sessions because I seem to be able to manage it quite well, and I have other with we need to do, but I am sometimes surprised at how many times I catch myself saying "it's ok, people don't normally or regularly just die every day"

LostOnTheTrail · May 06, 2022 at 09:20 AM

If I can't explain, how can you help?
If I can't explain, I'm giving you a false impression of how I am.

ArtieTheSequal · May 06, 2022 at 10:58 AM

Hey L, well, that was... comfortable and fun actually! After my initial surprise, during the Zoom thing last night. Thank you.

KLL85 · May 06, 2022 at 11:16 AM

Well we avoided a rupture. Why didn’t you just put an out of office reply on your emails? I would have at least known then not to expect a reply and it would have saved us both a lot of hassle.
But thank you for hearing me out today and not pushing me to ‘do’ therapy. I needed a session of just talking random stuff that wasn’t directly about me and you obliged, which I wasn’t sure you would. It was a nice session and we laughed a lot. If only you would be so open and willing to tell me little things about you like that more often. And I liked that you asked me whether I would like to play a game of chess. I know I declined but I would really like to play some kind of game with you one day. But perhaps not chess as I don’t really remember how to play!

Mountaindewed · May 06, 2022 at 02:23 PM

Today is not a therapy thinking day. Today is a focusing on my physical health day. I honestly don't even remember what I was thinking about that reminded me so much about my transference T. But whatever it was I snapped out of it.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

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velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	May 03, 2022 at 01:39 PM #203 Omg, I can’t believe i’m going in on Thursday. Is this the right decision? An expensive one to get wrong.

comrademoomoo Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: Toodlepip Posts: 1,714 5	May 04, 2022 at 11:08 AM #207 I hurt you when I said that. I saw you hurting and you told me. Confirmation of what a nasty creature I am. I can't even remember exactly what I said, that's how flippant I am in my vileness.

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	May 04, 2022 at 12:43 PM #208 E: I am so glad that I can still write you while I am there. I’m so scared.

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,161 6 1,834 hugs given	May 04, 2022 at 01:58 PM #209 Despair. That is all.

ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,412 (SuperPoster!) 10 6,430 hugs given	May 05, 2022 at 08:28 PM #214 L, Thank you for the prayer. <3 It meant a lot to me. I hope you don't mind, but I shared it with my dad too. I love you L. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,239 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,775 hugs given	May 06, 2022 at 10:58 AM #218 Hey L, well, that was... comfortable and fun actually! After my initial surprise, during the Zoom thing last night. Thank you.

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,226 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,779 hugs given	May 06, 2022 at 02:23 PM #220 Today is not a therapy thinking day. Today is a focusing on my physical health day. I honestly don't even remember what I was thinking about that reminded me so much about my transference T. But whatever it was I snapped out of it. __________________ Ridin' with Biden