Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T,
I'm glad you were completely OK with my walking back to check in after last session.

The conversation after that was...a bit odd? We were talking about certain topics in general but...I don't know--was it also sort of a discussion around something else?

I did end up reaching out to my parents about the stuff with D. I talked to H before to get his suggestions (mentioning what you'd said) and figured I'd leave it up to my parents in terms of preferred form of communication. Of course they left it up to me! I ended up texting (yeah, I know the easy way out!), and my mom had a bit of the expected response. Will likely talk to her tomorrow--issue being that I didn't give the Pollyanna/silver lining preface in the text, but I suppose I can do that by phone?

I need to talk to you more on the going virtual thing, too. I wish that last part hadn't been right as I was leaving, where you said you didn't know if you could give me a week after all, in part because your wife might insist on something. You told me you'd give me a week before, so that was something I was holding onto, like "At least if you say something today, I'll still have a week of in-person." So for you to potentially pull back on that is difficult.

And also if you were to put it on her, vs. taking responsibility for making the decision. I'm not sure if I'll fully be able to explain that to you. But if you blame her, then it feels like abdicating responsibility, like I can't say, "Hey, you said you'd give me more notice," because you'd say "my wife insisted," like "my hands were tied." Whereas if you said, "My wife pushed for it, but I was ultimately the one who made the decision," that would feel different to me. I guess I want you to own your decision?

I want to just ask if you can at least give (barring testing positive or a known close exposure) one session's notice, like if you're giving me notice Friday, then I can still see you Monday. Or, I don't know, if you email me about it tomorrow, say, and tell me we can meet Friday, but that's it. Not ideal, but I just don't want to sit down and have you say "Yeah, this is the last in-person session for a while." Or, worse, say it at the end (though I don't know, maybe if you say it at the beginning, it would derail whatever I was going to talk about. Maybe a no-win situation for you).

I do think you understood the physical safe space thing. How I like being able to metaphorically leave my emotions there. So that helped.

I mean, I think if we have to go back to virtual for a month...a couple months...many months...we will be OK. I think seeing you in person for a stretch of a couple months helped. We had some important conversations there and some moments where I really let my emotions out, and you were accepting of them, which felt more meaningful being in the same physical space.

But I just hope we can have a bit more time--or if we need to stop in person for a bit, that it's just that--just a bit. Like a month off, then resume in person. Even if we have to stop in the fall again. I just don't want to give it up yet....I want my safe space....

Love,
LT

You are challenging me this week to make a smoothie. I'm not quite sure whats wrong with the protein drinks I'm drinking. They have less sugar and less calories and more protein then a smoothie. Plus I told you I got a box of smoothies from Sams Club. But anyways I went to the store and got the Greek yogurt, the frozen strawberries, and the honey. I have milk at home. I want to show you that I'm trying in sessions and taking your suggestions seriously and not making excuses. But as you said yourself, my funds are not unlimited. So no, I will not be buying the soda stream next.

P was the opposite of you in so many ways.
Thank you for letting me be human.
'The exact opposite of what I'm trying to do.'
You are trying to help me be more at ease with my emotions, and I deeply appreciate that.

I think you noticed how I looked you up and down when you stood up to hand me that paper. I didn't really do it on purpose. I don't know if you cared or not though. Its an obvious, at least to me, issue that I don't feel like bringing up.

Dear T,
Sorry to email you again, but really, I'd rather just know before session if tomorrow will be the last in-person. Or even if you suspect it could be. So I can mentally prepare myself. Of course, I'm hoping you'll reply saying that it won't be, that we can at least meet Monday and hopefully all of next week. Then again, I've seen the numbers, so...

I don't think I'll mention your birthday. I feel like with everything else, it has the potential to be too awkward. Unless something we discuss naturally leads to it.

Love,
LT

Dear K,

I love you and I miss you and I still don't understand why I can't tell you that every day.
I miss your gentle and warm and loving hugs so much.

Thank you, that means a lot.

T, thank you for acknowledging that vulnerable thing I shared

Dear T,
Sorry about the horribly awkward birthday wish! It just felt right telling you, though maybe I should have just let it go? Eh, nothing I can do about it now. I realize I should have clarified where I read it back then and was going to email you, then figured I'd let it go and could tell you Monday. You did say a "take care" when I was leaving, and it felt OK between us, a little joking around, so it's most likely completely fine.

Thanks for being understanding and accepting about what I said regarding potentially going back to virtual at some point. It really felt like you were listening and empathizing. It's good to know that you might be willing to make an occasional exception for in-person, even if you do go back to virtual. I do find it odd that it hadn't occurred to you to ask clients to test first if they want to come in--I mean, that's the policy at some places (well, more for the unvaccinated, but still).

I do hope you have a good rest of your birthday.

Love,
LT

I want to know what progress we have made and what I have just done on my own. I feel better when I leave the office. But like what are you actually doing for me? I know you don't make me want to throw up the way my transference T did. I told you that and you said if I ever did feel like throwing up I could throw up in your garbage can. I just am confused but I don't think I can find anyone much better then you because I seriously think the progress I've made I've done myself or was done by my medical doctors

I hope you don't mind me interjecting here ... we found the soda stream not really worth it. Some people love theirs. If lowering sugar intake is the goal, I have found mixing soda with sparkling flavored water works pretty good.

Dear T,
I had a realization about something, in terms of generally feeling OK that you found my knowing your birthday "maybe a little bit weird" (or whatever words you used).

Maybe it’s actually more about *my* reaction? With the stone, your finding it a bit “weird” or “creepy” felt like the end of the world to me, like “Oh no, now he’s going to reject me.” But now it’s like, “OK, so he’s a little weirded out by it, it’s OK, he’s not going to abandon me over it.” Like more security in the relationship (and also knowing how easily weirded out your are!). And maybe growth in general on my part? Something to discuss Monday maybe.

Love,
LT

I am not yet making art, but I am making notes.
I hope that I will be able to read them to you on Thursday.

Dear T,

I feel unsettled. I'm not sure how else to try and describe it. Life is good right now. Really good, and yet underlying is still this..... Unsettledness. I feel like I have a lot of words inside me but I'm not sure what they are, where to write them, who to talk to (hah, yeah right, like they can be spoken!) or how I am supposed to live the happiness fully with this all stuck inside me.

I wondered whether I use the book to write in, but then I might upset the flow of the book, the plan to have a double page spread for each session. I just wondered whether writing in there might be helpful.

When K left, my friend gifted me a self care box, and in there was a notebook. I used it to write... A lot... About K leaving and my feelings and thoughts around that whole mess. I found it useful, so maybe I'm thinking just putting pen to paper and letting it flow would be a good thing for me again.

No idea what Tuesday will bring. It's getting quite close to our break though, I am aware of that.

In other news K and I learnt a new step this week, I think. Well, when I say learn, I actually mean had a go at, because I think it takes time to learn things. It seemed to go ok though. I sent a message wishing her a happy Friday and telling her a little of what I had planned for the weekend, and she replied telling me what her plans were. I'm not sure I expected that but I'm glad she could open up just a little to me, too.

Time. Slowly learning. Slowly adjusting. Taking time to see if this is right for me, and I wonder if she is taking time to see if it is right for her as well. If I am being completely honest with myself I'm not 100% sure it is right for me, as things are, but it is right to keep trying. I am open to the possibility, though, that one day it might not be. That's enormous progress I think.

I think it would be fascinating to look back on that notebook I just said about, to see how things were a year ago Vs how they are now.

Hmmm, I wonder what you told them that they would only grant 10 sessions, not 48. Or rather, I wonder what you didn't tell them. We need to find a solution for this, please. Hugs, Kate

Dear T,
How am I possibly going to be able to manage the week or two after H's surgery? Laid up with the worst migraine I've had in a while (meds helping some, but just had to take second dose), and D is flipping out because I don't want to help her pick out clothes--want to stay up here in the dark. And now I feel like I suck as a parent because of that, even though I know that's not true--I suck as a parent for other reasons (sorta kidding but not really).

And that's just one small thing I typically do with her. H does lots of things, so I'm picturing all sorts of meltdowns all day and evening long if I have to do them instead of her. She's already protesting the idea of my having to do some of those things, and it's over a week away. Plus there's a 3-day weekend in there. Right I guess I do have the outdoor concert, and she's already spending the night with my MIL that night, so that is some sort of built-in break. (Though I feel guilty for even thinking I'd want a break....)

Also worried about what happens if I become seriously ill or injured. At least we have a sort-of backup plan in terms of taking her to/from school--and I guess if absolutely needed, she could stay at my mother-in-law's (or possibly my parents', depending on the timing). I know single parents do this all the time and that H will at least be at the house (it's not like he's away and she can't see him). But I'm just predicting a nightmare....

Hope I can still be seeing you in-person then, too, so I can have an excuse to escape from the house...

Also hope you're having a good birthday weekend.

Love,
LT

I thought about getting one when they first came out. But now it just seems like a lot of work and more money then buying soda. I'd rather just drink soda in moderation the way I normally do. I do drink Lacroix sometimes.

You told me that I seem to choose food because of the texture rather then the taste and that makes it hard for people to decide if I have an eating disorder or if its just part of my autism. I do tend to choose texture over taste. Which is why I often don't eat much or have a lot of favorite foods and I don't like real flavorful food. The only thing I really enjoy the taste of is soda. But I've started limiting myself on that because you wanted me to.

Hi R,

I think songs cycle around in my world. I've been dimly aware of David Bazan for about 10 years, but now his song '' has new meaning for me.

'Digging up the root of my confusion
If no one planted it, how does it grow?
And why are some hell-bent upon there being an answer
While some are quite content to answer 'I don't know'...'





Maybe I'm reading too much into the chorus, but it seems to fit with Steve's situation.
Certainly fits with the questioning that I am experiencing at the moment.


'All fallen leaves should curse their branches
For not letting them decide where they should fall
And not letting them refuse to fall at all...'


If you haven't said anything about disruption next week, I hope it stands to reason that there won't be any disruption. Serial overthinker here, but then, you know that...

Four more sleeps, I think.

Dear t,
I feel okay even though I'm doing things that aren't advisable. And you're going to give me a disappointed look when I tell you. But I don't plan on hiding it. It's an acceptable form of burying my feelings.

M is nice enough but he is not you.

So we did an afternoon session today, but I was just feeling off and found it hard to even focus properly.

He said we could split the session and do the other half in the rest of the week.

Well.... I wonder what tomorrow will bring....

Dear T,
I feel bad about that one thing regarding D--I'm worried you may have interpreted in a way other than how I meant it, just in your reaction. Though maybe I wasn't fully sure *how* I meant it even. Maybe it was just some thought floating in my head that I had to get out, to understand what it means?

Your analogies about walking through the field were helpful in some ways. And I need to think on them more (and I'm glad you got my Oregon Trail reference!). But at the same time, I'm someone who does better with some form of a map. Or at least a particular destination? And right now, that's all fuzzy.

Hm...I guess in a way, I'm looking for a map for buildings that haven't been constructed yet, roads that haven't been paved yet, towns that don't exist? I don't know, I think I'm too tired to work more on this metaphor right now.... Maybe Wednesday?

Love,
LT

See, this is why I said I wish I had someone like in that comic. I can't really count on you. You have your life and I'm part of your work. I know you care but there are limits because you're my therapist. I was saying I wish I had a friend or partner. Some connection to somebody in real life. You can't come over and watch a movie with me when I'm down.

Dear T,

I'm sorry I am such hard work.