Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I don't know what I need right now. Neither my silence nor my fluency when talking about it are indicators that I am doing well. I have to redefine my spirituality and my support system in Steve's absence.

Dear T,
It meant a lot that you shared that story, knowing you'd likely get emotional. Like I said, I've certainly been emotional in front of you enough times. But I get the sense you're someone who doesn't like to let people see your emotions. So it's meaningful you risked that with me. Maybe it shows some level of trust? Or just that you thought the story was worth the risk.

I'm thinking, too, about our discussion regarding handshakes. You said how my offers to sanitize and wear a mask showed how much it meant to me. And then we were off in the direction of *why* it meant so much, which made me feel awkward and a bit ashamed and also fearful that you'd decline them if you knew they meant a lot. But you seemed to get it? Or at least accept it.

I think the conversation around hugs and other boundaries went OK, too? I don't know, I do worry that with one aspect of that, there's a potential grenade. Or maybe that would have gone off by now. Land mine? Though if I know where it is, I can avoid it.

But anyway, good, though intense, session today. I hope you got home safely in the rain.

Love you,
LT

L,
You are so beautiful inside and out. Today I really got to see a special part of you and I cherish it so so much. I am the one who is blessed and honored to have someone like you in my life. My words don't do you justice. I can't even being to describe to you how I feel. You make my life worth living and fighting for. I love you L.

I just thought about you now when I was doing laundry. I stopped what I was doing and thought "I will probably need these shorts next week so I should probably change into something else so I can wash them." I am not sure what category that falls into on the things we are working on. But I felt like the whole stopping what I was doing and thinking before doing something was using my therapy skills a bit.

I have the flowers from your garden in my lovely vase. The flowers look beautiful. I wish you were my mother. Then I wouldn't be alone on Mother's Day. I will always think of the time I got really angry at you and you held me. You allowed me to be myself, without judgment. The feeling of your arms around me was so, so comforting.

Dear T,
I'm pretty sure I'm your only client who gets some sort of comfort from receiving your invoice emails over the weekend. Because it's like, "OK, good, he still exists." It was particularly stormy and windy over the weekend, too.

And I managed to resist the urge to email you to make sure you were OK with everything we discussed Friday (the hug and handshake stuff). I'm just trying to trust in the relationship. And you seemed fine when we talked about it, though I do want to clarify your one comment on how it would have led to a conflict if I'd asked for a hug (even though I would never actually ask for that that, I still want to know what you meant, especially if it could relate to my asking for other things that I may not realize cross some line).

Love,
LT

Happy (I know you're not my) Mother's Day, L. I continue to appreciate everything that you were to me.

Can you help me process my feelings about Roe vs Wade because it is pissing me the **** off and I have no other outlet to voice my feelings to about this besides you. I have my mom who agrees with me about everything. But I don't think I've ever felt so angry and vulernable about a current event and I really need help processing it because this one really hits home and can really affect me badly.

Something super awkward happened the other night but I don't know how to tell you because we have never really talked about this subject before. I wonder if its a better subject for my doctor.

The age thing is still a bit of an issue even though on Wednesday you looked and were dressed like you were 6 years older then me. Actual age since I look like I'm in college.

Dear K,

You gave me life. Not in the traditional sense, but the relationship that I had with you bore so much life within me, and I grew to love you like I can only imagine a child loves a mother. I don't know how anyone could simply walk away from that.

Thank you for continuing to be the amazing person that you are, and for still helping me to be the amazing person that I am.

I have so much that I want to say to you, and I can only hope that one day in the not too distant future I will get a chance to talk to you, properly. Adult to adult.

I love you K, and always will,

Me

Dear T,
Struggling tonight, just with Mother's Day in general on a couple different levels. And think I made H mad, just by asking what D said that he was upset about? I just want the day to be over, or at least to be at the hour when it's acceptable for me to turn out the lights.

Love,
LT

T,

I feel like my grief over losses and the anticipated loss of you as my therapist (because I know therapy has to end and we've talked about it) is somehow not something you understand emotionally. I'm assuming, of course.

You've stable and loving parents, and people in your life. I don't.

Thank you for your email.
I'm sorry I laboured the point.
It's a relief to know it was just an oversight, and not an actual issue with my email.

I know it’s only 24 hours until I see you next but I desperately want to text you, just to have some form of contact with you. But I have no valid reason to. I’ve tried to find some kind of excuse but nothing seems reasonable enough to reach out. I wish you were ok with me just checking in to say hey. Just to remind me that you’re still there and you care. I miss you.

I'm just a cluster**** of health issues arent I? I come in with something new each week. The thing is this is stuff thats showing up in my blood work so its not me just freaking out about stuff for no reason. But I got clocked for a college student today and I had to tell her I am 29. You look like you're 38 instead of 28 and I wonder how you'll respond to the hair stylist thinking I was college age. Don't worry I won't tell you you look so much older then you actually are. Although I did ask last week why you were so dressed up and you actually found my question funny instead of boundary crossing.

I guess I have an issue with us being basicslly the same age but me being a bit older. And me looking so much younger then I am and you looking so much older then you are.

It can just get really confusing.

Dear T,
Seriously, why are you still here? Why aren't you trying to get rid of me? Please know that I'm incredibly grateful that you're still here--but I don't understand?
Love,
LT

L,
Your email hurt. You seem to care more about the puppy than me. I really need you right now, and you putting the puppy first really sucks.

Dear T,

We are doing this, aren't we. Thank you for being quiet today. For just letting me be quiet in that moment, and allowing me to just sit and rest and feel that sadness. It's so hard. So hard. I feel like I'm wrestling myself with every ounce of strength that I have and I just got to the point where I couldn't physically do it any more. I needed to stop, and I just wanted to say thank you for stopping also.

Dear T,
Thanks for the reassuring email reply. I debated whether to send something, then was concerned I'd be really anxious going into session tomorrow if I didn't check in at all. I didn't come out and ask if everything was OK, but you read between the lines and gave me an "all is well" anyway.

And it's such a little thing, but wishing me a good day and hoping that D's having some good days means a lot.

Love,
LT

Transference T I don't know if you ever think about me anymore. And I often wondered how you felt when my mom emailed you last October when I was in between therapists and asked if you'd be willing to see me again and then gave just a general update and said that I was going to be getting a hystrectomy in a few days and that my insurance was covering it.

But I do wonder if based on these current events if you are super relieved for me that I was able to get the surgery. I don't know. Maybe its just wishful thinking that you still think of me. Maybe I should be asking my current therapist what she thinks about me getting my surgery right at a good time instead of focusing on what you think or don't think.