Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

I didn't make the smoothie. Sorry. I got the ingredients at least.

Dear t,
I'm glad you called. I can't chicken out now. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

I'm planning on going on my annual lake trip at the same time my transference T is. For some weird unknown reason we happen to vacation at the same lakeside town. I've been going there yearly since 2016. I always went labor day weekend and she always went the week before so we didn't run into each other. But this year its different and I'm going at the same time as her. That is if she still goes at that time. I'm nervous but its not like I'm going to give up my yearly vacation for her. I'm not sure what the chances of me running into her are. Its a very crowded town and I'm not sure she would recgonize me. But I think anyone would be kinda weirded out at the least by this.

So I bought a book to write in... Hopefully that will mean I write here less and that I can write whatever and whenever I like.

Dear T,
Talking to B today helped, but brace yourself for lots of tears tomorrow regarding D.
Love,
LT

I hope its OK that I replied. That same song has huge personal meaning for me. Sending care and hugs if wanted.

Being stunned into silence is not a useful response, you idiot. Your question was repulsive. I hate you so hard that my head hurts.

Dear T, you weren't really helpful last night in helping me to manage emotions. And today my emotions feel super big even after I took some alprazolam. I'm having a terribly difficult day. Thinking about chatting on a crisis line but can't decide if I care enough to. I deserve to suffer. Kit

Why were you dressed like Mrs. Doubtfire today?

Absolutely OK by me that you replied, QM.
Thank you for sharing your experience with the song.
Thank you also for the hugs.

I cannot do remote the entire summer. That is pushing it for me and giving me bad summer 2020 memories. I'm glad you were ok with me not wanting to do it though and said we'd figure out another time to meet in person.

Thank you for responding to my email with more detail than the usual ‘lets discuss this in our next session.’
You clearly realised that because we don’t have our usual session tomorrow, I would be worrying and getting myself in to a state so bending your boundaries slightly to stop that happening really means a lot. Although not sure why it would be an issue to send a response like that normally if I’m honest!
I think you are finally starting to get a better understanding of me and how my mind works.

It’s weird that people seem to think you’re over the death of a parent in two weeks.

Hey L. The drum circle was really fun tonight, I'm so glad you joined. I knew what we'd be doing this week cuz I was there last week, and I almost emailed you to say you should log on tonight! I think I'm going to go to San Diego for that workshop he told us about - just gotta figure out the logistics!!

Dear T,
You're going to announce the return to virtual today, aren't you? (Whether today being the last day or perhaps allowing Monday.) So many headlines mentioning increases in hospitalizations, and the lack of that was part of why you said you felt OK continuing in person. Plus the crazy case numbers in our area right now (which are likely way underreported, with people doing home tests). I don't feel like I could even form an argument right now to attempt to convince you to stay in person, aside from, "Well, I'm sure we'll both be getting Covid sooner or later anyway, so may as well just stay open."

Though hoping you'll come up with some sort of metrics that would allow you to reopen. So it's hopefully a more temporary thing, not 7 months like last time, or more than a year the previous time....Maybe this is where the CDC rating for our area would actually be helpful, as it takes both case rates and hospitalizations into account? Maybe if that went back to green from yellow and stayed that way for at least 2 weeks (to show it's not a fluke), say? Even if you intended to wait until after your vacation in early July? It would help me if it felt less arbitrary--and I imagine would make it easier for you as well.

Love,
LT

Dear T: you weren't particularly helpful with your text reply, but you know, thanks for getting back to me, anyway. Kit

What scares me about this is the utter wordlessness of it all.
I don't know how to do this, I don't know what I need.

Lost

Dear T,
Well, that sucked. WTF. Why would you say something is OK, then suddenly, like 2 days later, it's annoying? You know my past history with T's...

Please be kind in your response to my email. I don't want any more of a rupture than this might already be....
Love,
LT

PS: I hope you appreciate my NYC metaphor...with the geographical references.

PPS: I almost would have preferred that you had announced the return to virtual rather than that....

Dear T,
Also, it's totally cheating if you solve Quordle together with your wife. Or at least it doesn't count as an individual solve. Just saying....
--LT

Five years for me, for my mother.

Dear T, thank you for making me feel loved and cared for and for being patient with me in building my trust. Please come back from vacation though because I don’t feel like I can cope through this without you

*insert assorted expletives here*

I hate to bring up the age thing again and seem like I'm being dismissive of you because we are the same age and you are so young. But are you capabable of handling a client who has chronic health issues and giving them the support they need while they go through a rough time? I know when I mentioned a particular surgery last year you said it freaked you out. While I get that particular surgery isnt everyones cup of tea, can I expect to have your support for just my health stuff in general? I know with the blood stuff you seemed ok but the last session you were being pretty dismissive and then I literally got a call from my doctor as I was pulling into my driveway. I just want to make sure I'll be getting support from you. Because it doesn't seem like everything is just trans stuff EDs and anxiety anymore.

The amount of time I spend thinking about how I used to like my body is ridiculous. Like I will actually just lie awake not sleeping remembering how it was to not be fat, and hate myself for looking this way.

Why can't I just love my body for bringing me my baby, I don't want him to see me hating my body. I am pathetic.