Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

For the first time in a long time I am really struggling after our session today. I feel debilitated and I can't work out if by chilling in my bean bag I am being kind to myself or allowing it to win. I had planned to go to the gym but honestly, I just want to curl up and go to sleep.

Hope it is okay to reply, Waterbear. After sessions with a long term T who is no longer my T unfortunately due to circumstances beyond our control, I would often have to lay down and take a nap, or I would have to go to the mall and chill in a bookstore or in the food court just decompressing from the session because it was just too much. But I needed that time. I think it is perfectly fine to not go to the gym and to chill in your bean bag chair if that is what you feel you need to do. I think it is being kind to yourself. I hope the rest of your day goes well. HUGS if wanted.

Thanks Kit, I really appreciate your comment. My worry is that I used to have this with Ex T, right at the beginning of our work, and I would just be confined to the sofa for the rest of the day, sometimes days, just in so much pain and so tired, unable to function except to go to work when I had to. I'm scared of going back to that place, but I do know that this work is going to be very hard and very tiring. I likened it to a wrestling match today, because I feel like I'm wrestling with the very protective parts of me who are desperate to keep this all inside. Short bouts of insane amounts of effort followed by rest.
So, my Dear T message is this... I'm proud of myself. I moved from the beanbag to the chair outside. I couldn't face the gym so I didn't go, but neither did I let this 'win' and spoil my day. I enjoyed the sunshine. I wrote in my therapy diary and I managed some gardening. I used my skills I learnt with Ex T and I thought of her, which helped me to get up and do something positive. Weeding. Good for the soul and good for the garden. And I opened up to R a little. Told him how difficult the session had been.

I'm proud of you too, Waterbear.

Please don't joke around tommorow about what happened today. I already feel stupid and concerned enough.

Lost in wordless space
Shake my fist, scream in silence
Absence echoes on.

I don't get to see you for 3 weeks?!?! I hate your H.

Thanks for acknowleding the fact that you keep having me buy stuff like I "have all the money in the world" as you put it. But also thanks for not being a **** about what went on yesterday and how I thought it was one thing but it was actually something else.

That was kinda funny when my shoe made a cracking sound against my other shoe and I said "that was my shoe." Because I didn't want you to think that I farted and you said "man I thougt that was your knee or something that was scary!"

Dear T,

I feel like I'm getting drawn into the messy fold of the trauma work again and I don't like it. I don't like having this on my mind so often. It's easier when I try and forget, when I shove it back inside the wall and don't look at it. F***, I had forgotten what turning and looking at it felt like, and it's tough, so how is it going to be when we start actually going in there? (Assuming the very protective parts of me one day let us) What am I supposed to do with it all between sessions? You asked me last week if I felt I was wrestling in-between sessions, and I said no, because up until now it hasn't felt like that, probably because we haven't really been venturing all that close to it, but it feels as if that is changing, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready for it.

Dear T,
I'm glad you were completely OK with my walking back to check in after last session.

The conversation after that was...a bit odd? We were talking about certain topics in general but...I don't know--was it also sort of a discussion around something else?

I did end up reaching out to my parents about the stuff with D. I talked to H before to get his suggestions (mentioning what you'd said) and figured I'd leave it up to my parents in terms of preferred form of communication. Of course they left it up to me! I ended up texting (yeah, I know the easy way out!), and my mom had a bit of the expected response. Will likely talk to her tomorrow--issue being that I didn't give the Pollyanna/silver lining preface in the text, but I suppose I can do that by phone?

I need to talk to you more on the going virtual thing, too. I wish that last part hadn't been right as I was leaving, where you said you didn't know if you could give me a week after all, in part because your wife might insist on something. You told me you'd give me a week before, so that was something I was holding onto, like "At least if you say something today, I'll still have a week of in-person." So for you to potentially pull back on that is difficult.

And also if you were to put it on her, vs. taking responsibility for making the decision. I'm not sure if I'll fully be able to explain that to you. But if you blame her, then it feels like abdicating responsibility, like I can't say, "Hey, you said you'd give me more notice," because you'd say "my wife insisted," like "my hands were tied." Whereas if you said, "My wife pushed for it, but I was ultimately the one who made the decision," that would feel different to me. I guess I want you to own your decision?

I want to just ask if you can at least give (barring testing positive or a known close exposure) one session's notice, like if you're giving me notice Friday, then I can still see you Monday. Or, I don't know, if you email me about it tomorrow, say, and tell me we can meet Friday, but that's it. Not ideal, but I just don't want to sit down and have you say "Yeah, this is the last in-person session for a while." Or, worse, say it at the end (though I don't know, maybe if you say it at the beginning, it would derail whatever I was going to talk about. Maybe a no-win situation for you).

I do think you understood the physical safe space thing. How I like being able to metaphorically leave my emotions there. So that helped.

I mean, I think if we have to go back to virtual for a month...a couple months...many months...we will be OK. I think seeing you in person for a stretch of a couple months helped. We had some important conversations there and some moments where I really let my emotions out, and you were accepting of them, which felt more meaningful being in the same physical space.

But I just hope we can have a bit more time--or if we need to stop in person for a bit, that it's just that--just a bit. Like a month off, then resume in person. Even if we have to stop in the fall again. I just don't want to give it up yet....I want my safe space....

Love,
LT

You are challenging me this week to make a smoothie. I'm not quite sure whats wrong with the protein drinks I'm drinking. They have less sugar and less calories and more protein then a smoothie. Plus I told you I got a box of smoothies from Sams Club. But anyways I went to the store and got the Greek yogurt, the frozen strawberries, and the honey. I have milk at home. I want to show you that I'm trying in sessions and taking your suggestions seriously and not making excuses. But as you said yourself, my funds are not unlimited. So no, I will not be buying the soda stream next.

P was the opposite of you in so many ways.
Thank you for letting me be human.
'The exact opposite of what I'm trying to do.'
You are trying to help me be more at ease with my emotions, and I deeply appreciate that.

I think you noticed how I looked you up and down when you stood up to hand me that paper. I didn't really do it on purpose. I don't know if you cared or not though. Its an obvious, at least to me, issue that I don't feel like bringing up.

Dear T,
Sorry to email you again, but really, I'd rather just know before session if tomorrow will be the last in-person. Or even if you suspect it could be. So I can mentally prepare myself. Of course, I'm hoping you'll reply saying that it won't be, that we can at least meet Monday and hopefully all of next week. Then again, I've seen the numbers, so...

I don't think I'll mention your birthday. I feel like with everything else, it has the potential to be too awkward. Unless something we discuss naturally leads to it.

Love,
LT

Dear K,

I love you and I miss you and I still don't understand why I can't tell you that every day.
I miss your gentle and warm and loving hugs so much.

Thank you, that means a lot.

T, thank you for acknowledging that vulnerable thing I shared

Dear T,
Sorry about the horribly awkward birthday wish! It just felt right telling you, though maybe I should have just let it go? Eh, nothing I can do about it now. I realize I should have clarified where I read it back then and was going to email you, then figured I'd let it go and could tell you Monday. You did say a "take care" when I was leaving, and it felt OK between us, a little joking around, so it's most likely completely fine.

Thanks for being understanding and accepting about what I said regarding potentially going back to virtual at some point. It really felt like you were listening and empathizing. It's good to know that you might be willing to make an occasional exception for in-person, even if you do go back to virtual. I do find it odd that it hadn't occurred to you to ask clients to test first if they want to come in--I mean, that's the policy at some places (well, more for the unvaccinated, but still).

I do hope you have a good rest of your birthday.

Love,
LT

I want to know what progress we have made and what I have just done on my own. I feel better when I leave the office. But like what are you actually doing for me? I know you don't make me want to throw up the way my transference T did. I told you that and you said if I ever did feel like throwing up I could throw up in your garbage can. I just am confused but I don't think I can find anyone much better then you because I seriously think the progress I've made I've done myself or was done by my medical doctors