Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T,
Perhaps you're not going to reply to my reply? I was thinking you'd at least give me a "Thanks for sharing. We can discuss more tomorrow if you want." Or even just "Thanks." But I figure you're probably seeing (or about to see) clients by now (I got the sense it was generally Sunday mornings rather than afternoons). Some sort of acknowledgment would be nice at least. Perhaps it irritated you....

Love,
LT

Dear T,
I guess thanks for acknowledging the email when I asked for acknowledgment? Would have been nice if you could have said "we can talk more tomorrow" or something. At least you apologized for not confirming? You're probably more than "mildly" irritated with me now. But you never just ignore an email of any substance, and it had been like 30 hours. And you'd said I was welcome to respond to your email. Worried about how tomorrow will go....

Don't worry, I certainly won't text to confirm...
LT

Transference T I keep listening to this song that reminds me of you and especially the part that goes " do you ever rewind to the summer you knew me?" This time 2 years ago was when our sessions started heating up and I just wonder if you ever think back to that time. I wonder and I'll bring that up in therapy on wednesday if that is why I didn't want to go fully remote for the summer with my current T. I don't mind remote sessions but I felt like doing them for 2 months would have been a setback and a reminder of summer 2020 and how hard that time was. And I'm sure my current T would understand that.

T I see you in 34 hrs. I'm scared. What if I confirm your thoughts? What if you change my DX.? And it comes with a med change. I'm not going back to 'Anna' always being around. I'm not going back to barely holding it together in fear of hospitalizations. I'm so scared that you will take everything the wrong way.

Well ****. Since our last session I found out I may have cancer and I just found out a few minutes ago that all 3 of my blood levels are high again. Am I really worth it to you, or am I a bit more then you bargained for?

I know people don't usually reply, but just wanted to say that I hope you don't have cancer and that I'm sending good thoughts your way....

Dear T,
Thanks for really listening and being accepting and gentle today. I was afraid to say some of those things, but I think it's important that I got them out, so I'm glad you encouraged that. I feel they give you a better picture of what's going on in my head, which will help you to better work with me. And you made me feel like some of the thoughts really weren't so selfish as I felt they were, so that helped, too.

I'm surprised you told me about the car thing--it makes me feel like you trust me. (I mean, I'd hope you would after all this time!) I think I saw it from my parking spot today when I was leaving, but didn't want to drive over and peer at it. It sounds unique enough that I'd be able to figure it out.

And, yeah, you definitely do some things that irritate me! But your assets outweigh them--most of the time, that is.

Love,
LT

well that was... interesting yesterday during work. i was completely aware of being overcome by one of those annoying complexes we've talked about ad nauseum but once again at the same time was unable to stop it until I was already in the damn middle of being in the grip of it. Y'know what got me out of it though? Anger! I got pissed about the situation. That may have been the most interesting part of it. I let myself feel angry and I was back to myself pretty quickly after that. Will I ever get aware enough to see one coming before it takes over so I can just stop it before it even starts?!

14 more hours please be non judgmental. Please don't say you can't help me.

oh btw I am starting to formulate a plan for what I'm going to do after I retire. Yes, I am forming a 5 year plan. Starting with the class I am taking this summer toward a certificate program, which is what we had talked about. Then use that and find something part time in the new career field after I 'retire' from current company. If I last that long... 5 more years in corporate america i don't know if i'll be able to make myself stay that long. I figure I have to though at least until I can go on medicare.

Dear T
How are you? What happened to you? Is it really going to get better? May I bring you some small present or card when we see each other? Nothing unethic.
I am about to do something I’m not sure you’d approve to try to come to terms with trauma but you could not tell me what you think, if I may gain from it or make it worse so now I have to decide on my own and feel so lost..
But most of all, I want you to heal and feel good again as soon as possible, take all the time you need and more for work, I just want you to recover.

15 min. Before I see you. Please, please be okay with reading off my phone.

I most likely would have switched our session to zoom anyways based on how I'm feeling. I don't know how you'll respond at our session if I am in the same physical state I was in this morning at the time we meet. Since things were pretty ok last week and now I'm a mess. I'll have to snap out of it somehow. I don't want you to switch me to someone else. Please don't you do that too.

'Well, you think there's a place
Wide open and white
Where you think you'll be safe
Where you think there's a light...'

I've been aware of since 2018, but it takes on new meaning now.
Pain and confusion are the dominant emotions as I mark off the days leading to the first anniversary of Steve.

I know my breakfast wasn't good and it was high in caffeine but you don't know how difficult things have been this past week.

I look and feel like complete crap today. I have about 25 minutes to try to hide it before we meet. You're gonna switch me to someone else, I know it. I've been there a few times before. Once a therapist is outside their comfort zone they switch a client. They say its not personal but it is partially to save their own ***. Anyways, did anyone in America really sleep good last night?

Update: you acknowlded I looked and sounded like crap but at least you aren't switching me for my health issues. But I'm not sure I feel comfortable meeting with your supervisor who specializes in EDs even though you promise it will only be a one time thing and you arent switching me. I said I'd think about it. I told you eating something was better then not eating at all. Which you said was true. But I am not restricting on purpose at the moment. Plus I thought you said I didn't have an ED when we first met. Yet you kept bringing up eating disorders today

Dear T,
I hope you don't have Covid. Your last-minute switch to Zoom is concerning me. Or perhaps you learned you were exposed, but then I'm worried you'd shut down in-person due to being spooked (or your wife being spooked), especially if it was a client exposure. Hope your wife and son are OK, too.

I'm mostly thankful this didn't happen Monday, as I think that was a conversation that was best done in person. And I'd have probably been a mess if you'd had to switch that last minute. Though hope you didn't give me Covid that session!

Maybe it's something benign, like a fridge delivery that ran late (like H suggested) or your old SUV wouldn't start. I hope you tell me when we meet and aren't just like "something came up." But I feel if there's any chance you think I could have been exposed to Covid through you, you'd definitely tell me. Or if you needed to do virtual for a certain amount of time to make sure you were in the clear.

Love you,
LT

*Fingers crossed*, LT.

Why didn't you tell me my ED would act up? I don't feel like fighting this as it won't hurt me right away like other vices will. You did tell me to be gentle with myself.

Dear T,
I'm glad it's not a Covid-related reason that you were out. But you seemed evasive about why. And you wiped tears a few times randomly during session (like not when I'd said something I would have considered particularly sad), so I hope everything is OK with you and your loved ones.

I suppose I also wonder, if it's not that, if it's some sort of thing that could become a continuing issue, like ex-MC's wife. Not your wife necessarily having a medical issue, but a parent?

Or maybe you just had Taco Bell last night and are incredibly gassy and didn't want to subject me to relentless farts in the office (Una, I figured you'd appreciate that one if you're reading!). Or just a bit under the weather and wanted to be at home. Maybe I mistook your feeling a bit off for sadness.

You said you intend to be in the office Friday, so hope to see you then. I felt weirdly sad earlier thinking that if I'd put on my leopard-print shoes to see you like I did when I took out the recycling, you'd have commented on how I had leopard print both there and in my shirt (though a completely different color in the shirt!) But it just sort of hit me, like, "Yeah, I missed in-person today." It was a pretty good session, considering, but not the same.

Love,
LT

Hey L. I'm doing pretty okay so far with H and this stent thing. I may feel differently once it's actually scheduled, but I know I can talk to my Mom about it because of when my dad had his put in both times (i think it was two? I don't remember it's been awhile) but I'm sure she'll remember.

Dear T,
Sorry about that email, but I knew if I didn't send something, I'd be thinking of it all session tomorrow, then awkwardly blurt something out at the end and feel weird and worried about it (so I'd end up emailing you anyway). Or I'd keep it in, and that would cause its own issues. I hope you read it in your morning email window, not so much because I want a quick response, but I wouldn't want you to read it in between clients and have those feelings dredged up. Though I imagine if you started reading it and realized it was a bad idea, you could stop and finish it later.

Of course, now I'm going to wonder about a response all day (I should have sent it earlier, but I didn't realize I should send it vs. tell you tomorrow until I was in the shower, so....). When you may just wait and say something tomorrow morning. But that's OK. I'm telling myself that's OK. And just a "thanks" or something is fine--I hope I made it clear that I wasn't looking for an explanation, considering that I literally said that. I also figure if it something personal vs. something in the news, I gave you a sort of out, where you could just imply that it was because of the news.

Love,
LT

I won't be able to see you in the day because M is working as much as possible...because everything is costing so much money now.

I won't be able to afford a babysitter, I'd rather not bring the baby to therapy as it's the only time I get to do something alone, for myself. We really wouldn't get to discuss much while I try and entertain him the whole time anyway.

I hate that it will be the end of our sessions together, but I don't know how to make it work.

The fact that you are away next week and my reaction to that has really made me realise how intense the transference is becoming. It’s so unbelievably powerful and I’m worried you’re going to get freaked out by it. I already regret emailing you and telling you how much of an affect you being away will have on me. I can’t tell you that I’ll miss you, but I really will. I know it’s only a week, but I’m so used to two sessions in that timeframe it’s going to feel like much longer.
Tomorrow I just want you to come sit next to me on the couch so I can curl up next to you and fall asleep with my head on your shoulder. I never experienced the feeling of falling asleep like that as a child and I crave it so much. I know, I know, stupid bloody boundaries……

Dear T,
I really hope you aren't irritated by my email and that you see it in the spirit in which it was meant (and also to avoid an awkward situation tomorrow).

I hope you understand that the last-minute change to virtual, especially the session immediately after we were working through a rupture tied to similar concerns, combined with your seeming sad/emotional is all triggering for me. (For the latter part, see: ex-MC.) Plus you know I'm under so much stress this week from being responsible for so many things related to D, plus household stuff, plus stuff for H while H recovers from surgery.

I'm just worried you're thinking, "Great, she stopped the 30-second text check in; only to be replaced by emails about other stuff--can we just go back to the check-ins?" But I hope you get what this was about, and give me some grace right now--or at least that we can talk about it tomorrow.

Love,
LT