Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

ArtieTheSequal · May 29, 2022 at 05:13 PM

Life sure changes, doesn't it, L? I stopped therapy, my mom was sick for awhile, H has new health issues, now my son's maybe moving away... and I'm gonna be entering my 60's soon. Life just needs to slow the **** down.

ArtieTheSequal · May 29, 2022 at 05:36 PM

BUT. Among all of this, I have taken 2 more steps toward the life I want. They are baby steps, admittedly, but steps nonetheless.

Waterbear · May 30, 2022 at 06:17 AM

Dear T, not sure I'm going to write this in the book or not, but I probably should. That felt like a complete waste of time today. I wish I hadn't bothered coming to be honest. And I meant what I said. I don't want to come back.

Mountaindewed · May 30, 2022 at 10:39 AM

If you think I look sick on Wednesday, theres 2 possible reasons to your theory. One I just found out this morning from another blood work result. I was kinda thinking too that I looked sick when I took some pictures of myself last night.

LonesomeTonight · May 30, 2022 at 02:06 PM

Dear T,
Well, that ended up being a pretty intense and also insightful session. I'm glad I pushed through the anxiety and talked about what I needed to talk about, instead of hiding behind a song or something. I think there may have been a breakthrough there, of sorts?

On a random note, it was nice to hear a "Look at you!" again, regarding my step count from the concert. I haven't heard that in a long time.

Also, I'm sort of amused that you like Taylor Swift. I mean, there are a lot worse pop singers you could choose.

Love,
LT

ArtieTheSequal · May 30, 2022 at 05:18 PM

Summer online classes start at midnight tonight, I'd better figure out what I'm taking and get registered. Maybe another psych class, the early childhood development one...

East17 · May 31, 2022 at 01:18 AM

I'm now bricking it about the email I sent you at 2.30 this morning and what your reaction is going to be. I hope we can talk it through later. I was in a really bad place when I wrote what I did.

Lesson learned: never sleep-deprived email your therapist, or at least write it but don't send it until you've had a chance to read it through when properly awake.

I suppose the fact that I was able to tell you what I did, is maybe proof that I am starting to trust you a little more with the heavy stuff. In the cold light of day, I'm starting to have doubts about that though. Please don't let me down on this, it will be the end of us if you do.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

Mountaindewed · 12:17 PM

I don't even remember what you do and don't know since things change with me weekly. I guess tommorow we need to discuss how I found out last Friday that I am putting my life at risk by staying on my meds. I will have just had a 3rd procedure right before our session, and I will need that biopsy which I plan on putting off for as long as my mom and my doctor let me out of fear of the pain involved. You getting all this?

ArtieTheSequal · May 31, 2022 at 11:58 AM

I woke up this morning with the vague sense that I'd just been dreaming about you but I don't remember anything else about the dream... just a sense that you were in it. Sees like it's been awhile since you've appeared in one of my dreams.

LostOnTheTrail · May 31, 2022 at 12:02 PM

Thank you for being flexible.
I definitely feel it's weird that I made a specific request, and now I seem to have moved back from it.
The second letter now exists, but I've framed it in such a way that it will need to be the following session, rather than right now.

Thank you for the helping of kindness in your closing words. I needed that today.

*Beth* · May 31, 2022 at 03:50 PM

Fu*k you for doing this to me. Seriously, you couldn't shoot me a quick email after being gone without notice for 4 weeks? Nobody still breathing is THAT sick.

Victoria'smom · May 31, 2022 at 07:13 PM

So I realized my head is not quiet and I don't want meds. If I could I would skip them. It's not fair I can't be myself without threat of hospitalization. I'm going to skip my injection next week. I see you the day after so can't be that bad right? Missing 2 days while I talk to you about it isn't going to hurt me that much.

Mountaindewed · Jun 01, 2022 at 12:22 PM

I can make our in person session this afternoon. I'm just a bit lightheaded from the procedure but its not a big deal.

Mountaindewed · Jun 01, 2022 at 06:24 PM

Possible trigger:

I liked how you didn't try to change my mind when I said I wasn't afraid to die. I reassured you I wasn't S but that if it happens it happens and I'm ok with it.

ArtieTheSequal · Jun 01, 2022 at 07:06 PM

I'm planning ahead this week for thursday night's drum circle, and just chose my object hoping we do the same thing we did the last couple weeks. It's something you gave me at some point along the line. I still have 3 of the 4 of the little objects you gave me over the 10+ years (except the piece of palo santo because after using it for smudging lots of times it got lost somewhere. I think I must have left it in my previous backyard). 2 of them live on my work desk, the other on one of my office shelves. Oh, and I still have that one sand tray picture in a frame on my desk, you know which one. I love looking at it, especially when I'm having a bad day, and feeling the magic that particular scene still evokes.

LonesomeTonight · Jun 01, 2022 at 07:37 PM

Dear T,
I wish I felt I could email you right now. Not anything to do with session today or with you at all. But about something H said to D tonight. And then my reaction and his response. I just feel like "shut up" is among the things that are never OK to say to someone (barring some sort of true emergency). Maybe you'd disagree? No, I think you'd be bothered by this, too, from discussions we've had before.

Plus now I'm worried he has Covid because of his throat, even though we both tested negative earlier today (I can test again before Friday's session). Hoping it's just his "usual spring cold" or allergies. Or the awful air quality today.

Wish I could talk to you now. But we'll talk Friday. Hopefully in person (see above).

Love,
LT

ScarletPimpernel · Jun 01, 2022 at 07:52 PM

You're getting really good at this L. You are learning my patterns. I guess I'm learning my patterns too! I'm still angry with you, but my heart is also softened towards you. I love you. And I'm glad we're a team.

velcro003 · Jun 01, 2022 at 08:43 PM

Talking about trauma is hard. I really wonder what you think about me.

LostOnTheTrail · Jun 03, 2022 at 06:24 AM

Thank you for your support yesterday.
Is it weird that I'm grateful you turned your phone off for our session?

KLL85 · Jun 03, 2022 at 07:04 AM

You told me that you wouldn’t be checking emails or phone whilst you were away as you would not be working at all, so I mentally prepared myself to have no contact with you for a fortnight. But then you text me yesterday about next Friday, so you are in fact working you just didn’t want to see me. I reluctantly replied and then…..nothing. No response, nada. Cue all my rejection issues. Why are you f***ing with my head?? Why didn’t you just wait until Monday to contact me? I feel like I’m done with therapy, it seems to just make things worse for people with abandonment and attachment issues. But I’m so addicted to you, I’m not sure I have the strength to walk away. Really feel like I hate you right now. I’m tired and just don’t have the strength anymore. What is the point in living this life?

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

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ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,239 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,775 hugs given	May 29, 2022 at 05:13 PM #341 Life sure changes, doesn't it, L? I stopped therapy, my mom was sick for awhile, H has new health issues, now my son's maybe moving away... and I'm gonna be entering my 60's soon. Life just needs to slow the **** down.

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,239 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,775 hugs given	May 29, 2022 at 05:36 PM #342 BUT. Among all of this, I have taken 2 more steps toward the life I want. They are baby steps, admittedly, but steps nonetheless.

Waterbear Magnate Member Since Feb 2016 Location: England Posts: 2,408 8 1,316 hugs given	May 30, 2022 at 06:17 AM #343 Dear T, not sure I'm going to write this in the book or not, but I probably should. That felt like a complete waste of time today. I wish I hadn't bothered coming to be honest. And I meant what I said. I don't want to come back.

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,236 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,783 hugs given	May 30, 2022 at 10:39 AM #344 If you think I look sick on Wednesday, theres 2 possible reasons to your theory. One I just found out this morning from another blood work result. I was kinda thinking too that I looked sick when I took some pictures of myself last night. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,239 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,775 hugs given	May 30, 2022 at 05:18 PM #346 Summer online classes start at midnight tonight, I'd better figure out what I'm taking and get registered. Maybe another psych class, the early childhood development one...

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,239 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,775 hugs given	May 31, 2022 at 11:58 AM #349 I woke up this morning with the vague sense that I'd just been dreaming about you but I don't remember anything else about the dream... just a sense that you were in it. Sees like it's been awhile since you've appeared in one of my dreams.

Beth catches the flowers Member Since Jul 2019 Location: Downtown Vibes, California Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!) 4 23.7k hugs given	May 31, 2022 at 03:50 PM #351 *Fuk you for doing this to me. Seriously, you couldn't shoot me a quick email after being gone without notice for 4 weeks? Nobody still breathing is THAT sick.** __________________

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,236 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,783 hugs given	Jun 01, 2022 at 12:22 PM #353 I can make our in person session this afternoon. I'm just a bit lightheaded from the procedure but its not a big deal. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,236 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,783 hugs given	Jun 01, 2022 at 06:24 PM #354 Possible trigger: I liked how you didn't try to change my mind when I said I wasn't afraid to die. I reassured you I wasn't S but that if it happens it happens and I'm ok with it. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,413 (SuperPoster!) 10 6,432 hugs given	Jun 01, 2022 at 07:52 PM #357 You're getting really good at this L. You are learning my patterns. I guess I'm learning my patterns too! I'm still angry with you, but my heart is also softened towards you. I love you. And I'm glad we're a team. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Jun 01, 2022 at 08:43 PM #358 Talking about trauma is hard. I really wonder what you think about me.