Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

The only time I get a bit turned on by you is when you say "its ok, you can sit down." When you think I am hesitating sitting down when you are turning on the noise machine. I honestly have no clue what is going on. I think the table is closer then it normally is by a couple inches and its just ****ing with me without me realizing it and is making it harder for me to navigate the couch so I can sit down or something. So you think I'm having anxiety sitting down. That was the second time it happened.

Are we still on for in person on Wednesday? I'm ok with it. At least at this moment. I was out of the house at our time slot today and it wasn't bad just going in and out real fast.

Thanks for this! I completely forgot how much I loved Something Corporate/Jack's Mannequin. I also got his memoir and watching that documentary.

Hi T. I'm a little sad I won't see you this week, but glad we'll at least get to talk on the phone. I hope everything is okay at home.

I'm going through a cancer scare right now so a lot of his songs I'm finding to be comforting and relatable. I've liked him since right before The Glass Passenger came out in 2008 when I was 15.

Hi T. Thanks for seeing me last night and tonight. I could use the extra support. HUG Kit

Ah L, once again, I step outside myself a little and looking in can see that it all comes down to patience.... and the fact that I have little to none. Things are getting worked out. Fridge repairman scheduled for tomorrow. Car loan almost in place now, car buying will likely be this afternoon. Sister thing, just takes time and there's not a damn thing I can do about it anyway. The work thing is going to be okay, I just have to give myself grace and time to adjust to it. The stomach virus has just about run its course I am feeling better this morning. And soon the big thing will be over with and h will be on the road to recovery.

HUGS, Artie

Thank you for the moments of connection today.

It means a lot to hear you say I am doing well with this.

Boy artie when you say monsoon season is coming, you werent kidding. Love you, babe!

Thanks E, for the art prompts. 2 out of 3 seem maybe too hard, but i think i can do one of them.

T, thank you

T, I want to ghost you but I won't. Pdoc is another story. I may cancel his appointment that is coming up. I don't know yet. I'll keep it until after next week's appointment. I do want to free him up for others.

Just saw this now. Thank you. Yep, it's the accumulation on top of h's heart thing. I am stupidly stubborn and don't want to call her but yeah I think she'd be okay with it if I did.

L, I want to hear your voice. Forgive me, but I've been listening to your psych today profile video again this week. I don't watch it, because you look so stern, not much at all like the you I know, so I just listen to it. Oh and hey have you seen Machiel's new dream guidance book? I got it in the mail today and can't wait to start reading it. I plan to bring it with me on Friday to read while h is having his procedure. I am missing you this week more than I have in awhile. It's so weird that you're still so, so, so... present in my head, I guess is how to describe it. I talk to you every night as I'm falling asleep. I had hoped that by 6 months out that wouldn't have been the case anymore but it is. Sigh. I admit it. I am also (and again) missing the us we used to be.

I don't know if I should move you to virtual or not. I'm not 100% with this heat at the moment and our appointment is an afternoon one and it will be even worse then I don't know. I'll give it another hour until after I take a shower to see how I feel.

I have to figure out something to eat because I only ate a pack of walnuts and almonds and not even an entire small frosty and you won't be happy with that. But who actually legit eats in this weather anyways?

I love watermelon when it's boiling outside. I cut it in half and put the halves in the fridge to cool down.

I appreciate what you shared with me this week.
I keep thinking there's going to come a point where I fall apart, but it hasn't happened yet.
Maybe the anger is protecting me from doing so...now that could be a productive conversation.

You seemed so put together today, meanwhile I looked like a slob and I didn't think you were judging me since you know everything thats been going on. But I guess I just felt kinda jealous that you seemed to have it together today while I didn't.

T, I am glad that I sent you that text tonight. I really hope it gave you a smile. You have been there for me consistently for so long, and it is so so appreciated.

Dear T. Thank you for tolerating my many texts yesterday and for telling me it wasn't too much and for telling me I can text you all I want today. I'm sorry to be such a pain. Yesterday was really stressful. Thanks for letting me tell you about it. Kit

I got the groceries from the shopping list we made yesterday. I spent about $50 on a weeks worth of food. Today I am eating a balance of healthy and unhealthy stuff but to be honest its mostly unhealthy stuff. I literally ate 2 small bags of Doritos for breakfast. But I just now ate an entire bowl of steamed broccoli for lunch. So who knows. At least I got out of the house today and am feeling better then I was yesterday.

Feelings are many, words are few.
I don't know how, but I need you to help me stay with the anger.
Let's start there next week.

Random comment, but the first line sounds like the start to a poem.


I hope your T can help.