Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

You're not who I thought you were

I guess I felt a bit uncomfortable when you told me to stick my finger up my hoo ha to get rid of my urinary retention. I don't like the V word. My transference T said worse stuff and for some reason I can make excuses for everything she said/did to me that wasn't proffesional.

How is that supposed to work?! Has this t had kids? (So maybe things are more loosey goosey?) Then again, retention is NOT my problem, so...!

I kinda felt like I was a novelty to you and thats why you wanted me as a client so badly. The trans dude with autisim and a restrictive eating disorder. It was just the way the office manager told me you said you'd immediatly take over full time when my last T left. Also the way your eyes looked when I was deciding if I wanted to meet with you. They looked almost pleading like. You also listed off the extensive list of types of therapy you do while I was deciding. Plus then yesterday you told me you had a trans nephew with the same deadname as me. I don't know. Its kinda strange but we work well together.

I feel so awful with you being so far away. I'm honestly not coping well. This is the worst I've ever felt on a break. It doesn't help knowing you'll only be back briefly before going again. This won't be over until 23rd August and it's a lifetime away. I don't know what I'm going to do.

It's probably really stupid, but I miss feeling nothing and being numb like when I first met you. I miss being able to do whatever I wanted and not giving a crap about anything.

I feel a bit like you've turned me in to this emotional, feeling, human mess. I'm sure there's a compliment in there for you somewhere, but it's a very strange way to be after so long.

I didn't mention to my doctor I wanted to get down to 140 pounds, but when I asked him about weight loss he said 140-160 would be ok. So do I trust a medical doctor or you and your poodle theory?

You told me to email you to keep you updated and I did today but I never got a response. I'm not too freaked out about it. You are a bit strange. Especially when you walk me up to my mom and try to make awkward small talk with her. I think I've only had one therapist in the past 11.5 years who regularly talked to my mom after my sessions if she was around. Plus I never actually said it was ok for you to do to that.... but I'm trying not to cause any issue.

Dear E: I can not believe I got up the courage to bring the email thing up in person! Thank you for un-shaming me and generally being awesome.

sitting at my desk today looking at that one sand tray pic I have framed, remembering how that was a magical kinda thing, doing that particular sand tray that day. It still comes alive for me every time I look at it.

You're never there in a crisis. How can you be a part of my crisis plan if you're not there? Why didn't you check your phone. You were emailing me after I called... I'm about done with it all.

Dear T,
I was thinking about it--is it possible that what you considered my "pushing" more over the past 3-4 months or so just me asserting myself? And maybe feeling safe enough to do so with you?

I mentioned to you at one point how I had wondered if part of why we'd avoided conflict (for the most part) during the pandemic was because I was avoiding bringing things up you said/did that bothered me, how I was struggling so much at different points during the pandemic, plus some of what was going on with D, that I didn't want to risk losing your support or at least having you pull away. Not walking on eggshells so much as just not rocking the boat (to mix my metaphors).

And then I got tired of doing that or perhaps it's that I started trusting the relationship more--or both--so now I'm just being honest with you when something bothers me. But you experience it as "pushing" because I held back on it for so long. Which implies a negative. But maybe it's actually growth for me?

Love,
LT

Dear T,

You really don’t use reflective listening during our sessions and I find it odd. It’s really basic and you’ve been doing this for years. I would really benefit from more empathy but I don’t think this is something I can ask for really as it will then seem very manufactured. Challenging me is fine, T. It doesn’t really hurt that much but it makes me question your competency when you don’t empathize or validate along with it. Am I that hard to empathize with? I will do my best not to blame myself and since you’re the professional I will give you back that responsibility. I don’t think I need to see you anymore, especially if you are only going to blame me for all my problems. I know I’m the common denominator - I really don’t need you to point it out again. I’m doing my best and that’s going to be good enough for me even if it’s not for you. And I’ll just keep seeing you monthly to show I’m trying. I really don’t believe in therapy much anymore anyway.

I never got a response from you. I'm not really suprised. I've been there before with people who say "reach out to me if you need me" yet never respond when I do. I was just emailing you though like you asked me to do because you wanted an update on my med situation.

Another thing you said that I found kinda odd was when I said I used to be 236 pounds and you said "236 pounds?! I can't imagine that on you!" I mean maybe I'm wrong but maybe you could have worded that better?

Hello K,

I miss you. I wish I could have a hug with you. You gave the best hugs ever 🤗 I wish I could speak to you. For an hour... Though I know that still probably wouldn't be enough to satiate my missing you!!

Love you x

Hi R,

I hope you understand why I sent that email.
It's important to me that we're on the same page.

Four more sleeps...

Lost

Thanks for that email response this morning and the Iink to The Trevor Project. It meant a lot. I feel like you do care even if we arent on the same page about my weight loss.

Dear T,
It just felt weird with you over virtual today. I know part was probably the migraine, but I've had those plenty of times when talking to you. I felt the distance there. It didn't help, too, that you kept looking out the window--maybe the reason you've had to be home for a few days is that they're doing work on the outside of your house or something? Like redoing your driveway or whatever. Or you were just watching a bird or squirrel.

I really do appreciate you sharing the story about borrowing the truck. Helped to know that you sometimes overask for things and get rejected for it in some way, too. And just your mentioning again of people bailing on you in your life (at first I thought you meant clients, then I realized you must have meant your outside life, as you said sometimes due to mental illness--presumably, a majority of your clients have some sort of mental illness!)

I'm glad you were able to switch me to Thursday so that we can meet in person the other two times this week before you go out of town. I feel like if the only in-person were to be Friday, then it might have felt like a lot of pressure on that, then you'd be away for a week. I initially thought maybe I should just keep Wednesday virtually, but when I saw you pop up on my screen, I just felt a bit sad and distanced, so thought I'd go for Thursday in person instead.

Love,
LT

I don't understand your text. Did you mean that we are to have no contact now? It sounds like you are putting me off texting. That's what's really hurt me. It sounds like you don't want me to and I've seen you on WhatsApp so it makes no sense whatsoever