Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

HUGS velcro

Thanks Kit.

Dear T,
Trying to put this out of my head and focus on vacation and being present for my family. I did talk about today's session a bit to H. I feel I'm in this place of "I'm fine," then will have a total meltdown at some point, hopefully while I'm by myself. I just miss the T that you were for like maybe 2 years there--could he maybe come back? I think I need to feel caring from you in the sense of seeing it in your eyes, and I wasn't getting that today (or the past couple weeks). But I imagine it's pointless to say that to you.

If you can never be that T again, or it comes out only rarely, maybe I need someone else. I don't know.

What I do know is that whatever I'm feeling on vacation this week, I'm not emailing you. Or asking if I can possibly have Thursday's session back. I need distance right now.
Love,
LT

So I'm loosing touch. Bugs are a constant, isolating, thinking untruths. You'd say talk to pdoc We played phone tag for two days then I gave up. Maybe later today/week I'll call, I don't think he can do anything for me.

Dear T,
Wow, I'm really surprised you reached out with that email. You never initiate emails/texts (aside from scheduling). It made me tear up in a good way. I don't know if I'll actually send you an email while I'm down here (well, I'll send a brief reply to that), but it really helps to know that you'd be OK with it and not charge me (as I'd have assumed at this point that I'd be over the charging threshold). And your line at the end touched me.

Love,
LT

Oh well, I guess I'm on my own with it then.

E: Your support is keeping me alive right now.

T: I’m glad I get to see you tonight for the first time in months. Not glad I am feeling so so awful.

Maybe we can just focus on the postives tommorow? Focus on how well I actually enjoyed my vacation and not focus on the fact that I slept 12 hours, 2 of the 3 nights I was there and that I skipped dinner all 3 nights and how at times I almost collapsed because I wasn't eating enough?

Also can we focus on the name change too and not my general appeareance which you may not excatly be happy about?

I also haven't emailed you since August 15th and I don't plan on emailing you before we meet tommorow. Mainly because you aren't my transference T so I don't really feel a need to. But I was also enjoying my vacation last week, and then I had to get the name stuff situated this week. I didn't have a whole lot of time to focus on you. Although I do wonder if you were expecting an email from me yesterday.

I'm really struggling. I don't know how to get myself out of this hole. I do everything that is suggested - I eat well, I exercise, I keep busy, I rest, I go into nature, I do my art, I try to connect with other humans and yet none of it makes a blind bit of difference. I'm still laid here on the floor not knowing how or why to keep going. It sucks. It really sucks and I don't understand why it has to be so hard. How long will this last for?

I'm glad you were so reassuring today about the things I've been so stressed over. But you said you were thinking of me last week when I was on vacation. I honestly was hardly thinking of you. I don't need a transference T #2 so I've been sticking to my own boundaries. You also said I could email you after my pdoc appointment next week if I wanted to. Honestly I really had to claw myself out of my transference T situation I don't want to be in another situation like that. I probably will wait to discuss the appointment with you. I'm not sure you know what I'm doing by putting my guard up, but you seem to be respecting it either way.

Ugh. I almost wrote you an email a thousand times today because I am struggling so bad. But I can wait a day until I see you. I’ve already written you so much this week.

T, i sent you a one-line email that's so cringey i regretted it the moment i hit Send, immediately logged out of my email and have been sitting here hoping all the servers fail so it never reaches you.

except part of me also wants to log back in to see if you got it and replied even tho' i sent it after you sign off for the weekend so you probably won't actually see it 'til Monday anyway. i'm not even sure why you didn't check in today or why i waited so long hoping you would. ugh, this 'relationship' is so weird. it'd be so much easier for me if i was the cool, calm and collected one, rather than the traumatised, doolally, needy one (not that i'd wish my trauma and PTSD on you. or anyone).

maybe i'll just set my computer on fire and leave the country.

Dear T,
Heading home soon and suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of missing you. Each time I've been down here (by myself or with H and D) since the pandemic (and you started doing Zoom), we've always met at some point, like you were here with me (even if just your image on a screen). So just feeling sad right now about that, plus I won't talk to you until Sunday. We did still communicate in some form though, with your sending that nice email.

I mean, I know it was my decision to cancel Thursday, and I *could* have still seen you down here. But I feel I made the right decision for two reasons: The first is that, at the time we would have met, I was with my parents, D, and H on the beach. So I was enjoying time with them, and I would have missed much of that talking to you. I was trying to be more "present" for everyone this vacation (and was afraid I wouldn't be both with literal time spent with you instead of them or, had yesterday's session gone poorly, thinking/being upset about you instead of being "present" mentally and emotionally with them).

The second is that I think a bit of space between us right now is probably a good thing. Your email showed that you still feel some sort of good will toward me. And that's what I needed. Yes, I could have written more back than I did or sent you a separate email. But I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize that feeling (like if you'd given me a response that I didn't feel good about). Plus, I'm still trying to figure out what I feel about everything and what exactly I want to say to you. Sending you some sort of half-baked thoughts probably isn't the best idea right now. I think it's best to just talk, whether we do that virtually or in person.

I just hate that we only have 2 sessions before you're away for a week. I hope I can feel some connection during that time.

Love and miss you (even though I'm still a bit angry, hurt, and unsure of my long-term future with you),
LT

Still thinking of you quite a bit. Especially with my son about to embark on his long-distance move, I am wishing I felt like I could talk with you about it.

Dear T: Am I bothering you? I've contracted with you four days now. You asked, "What's going on with you?" And "Talk tomorrow." That made me worried. But then today you said, "I am okay. Carrying you in my heart." So you seem okay with it. I'm not trying to be annoying. Love you Kit

T--really a smiley face? That's your response! Ugh. Kit

I was on my way to get an ice cream and I thought of my transference T suddenly and I felt like I got punched in the gut. Then I did some fact checking and thought "I felt this same way last week 2 days after my injection and the feelings passed". It seems to be mostly now a mood reaction related to my injection. After the fact checking I was ok. But just the suddeness of how strong the feeling for her was took me guard.

T I am glad we scheduled for tomorrow. Today when I get home from work I just want to go home and zone out!

Dear E,
Thank you for the extra hug tonight. It was SO SO hard asking, and then getting myself to actually receive it. I know you said its not shameful or gross to have that want/need. but boy does it feel that way. We touched on some interesting things. I don't know what to think.

It's Saturday morning and I just realized that another Friday has come and gone, where I did not notice 1 pm (what used to be our session time).

Dear K,

I'm missing you like crazy this week. I fell in the hole on Tuesday and I am seriously struggling to get out of it. You are the only person who knows what is like for me in here and I miss that like mad. I know what the answer is, but I'm not there yet. I can't share this with anyone the way I used to share it all with you, sadly.

I wish I could reach out and take your hand.

Me

Six years today since the cinema experience that was the catalyst for me seeking therapy, and eventually meeting you.

These anniversaries are weird.

Y'know L, I'm realizing today that even if I felt like I could call you - which I don't - I wouldn't. I don't want any risk of getting all entangled with you (or whatever it was that happened with us) again. I can really think of only 2 big things that when they happen, I am going to want you, and if you're still around at that point, I will call. But that's it - for those 2 reasons only, and yes I already told you what they are before I left in December.

Someone at the garden therapy group asked me this week what my life would be like without therapy, and I said 'good'. Because I think it would be. I think it would be better than it is now. But it would come at a cost. The cost of denying my story. Denying my truth. Denying a part of me. Basically just going back to burying it all and hoping it never comes out (which I don't actually think is possible). She said I shouldn't do that. And deep down I don't think I should do that either... But I definitely feel like giving in/giving up, because the way things are it's just too hard. She said I should consider asking for more sessions a week. She said it's not uncommon for people who have been traumatised to require more than one session per week. She suggested I think about what I could reasonably afford and ask you the questions. Which I am planning on doing. I can't afford two every week, but I reckon I could stretch to 6 a month instead of 4, if you could knock just a little off. No idea if it will help but she is an ex phychiatrist, so I'm going to guess she has some idea what she is talking about.

Dear T,
Today made me feel better about the therapeutic relationship. I think there's still work to do and questions to consider. But I felt a bit of the connection there by the end, and I'm hoping I'll feel more when I see you in person Tuesday. Sucks that you'll then be away for a week...

I do feel like switching to twice a week might be the thing to do now. At least to try. Maybe see you 3x the full week after you're back, just so we have time to talk through things. But after that, maybe we give it a try? I need to be trying to manage more on my own, and this is a step toward that. I'm wondering if some of this pushing back against you and feeling dissatisfied with things are like a teenager pushing back against their parents? Bouncing back and forth between wanting independence but still needing them. Maybe this is a way for me to work toward more independence while still seeing you?

And it was good to hear that you saw it as progress that I was able to push Tuesday's stressful session away and focus on my family at the beach. That you didn't think I could have done that a year ago was nice to hear. I mean, I still have a long way to go in various areas, but if I can set my emotions about one thing aside to be there for another (especially for an extended period of time), that's heading in the right direction.

Love,
LT

PS: Did you dye your beard again? Or was that just the dim lighting in your room? I hope you didn't dye it again--I like the gray coming through!