Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

You said in your email "you really are at a good weight for yourself." Which is just getting me a bit confused and worried since our next session isn't until next week and my weight keeps steadily going down. So I'm not really sure what to do. I think I'd feel better if I could wear jeans and hoodies all the time instead of shorts and T shirts.

Honestly not looking forward to tomorrow. I have no idea how to do this work. No idea how to talk to you. No idea if you have any idea what you are doing. No idea about any of it. I didn't write to you in my journal again. I just have no idea what to say. It all feels like a massive waste of time, money and energy if I'm honest. I hate being defeatest but I just feel so lost with it all.

Dear T and E: owwww. my throat hurts! *stamps foot and whines*

New Pdoc,
Please like me! And please be nice to me. I really need another person on my team I can trust.

T,

Wow... a 3 week gap in sessions seems really long now, yet I used to see you once a month! I am grieving the loss of a dream, but it's not actually lost, so I don't understand. I'm also definitely grieving my family throwing me away, but you've said that's not new. Some of it is new, because it's my younger brother, T...

Dear T, so, maybe you do know what you are doing after all. Funny, I expected you to pick up on that over and above everything else. I can only imagine it's my feeling out of control that had left to me... Suggesting? That you have no idea what you are doing.

I feel really really strange right now. I'm not sure what it is, but I can't say it's a pleasant feeling. My head feels really tight and I my body feels really tired. I've come out for a walk, and I'm just sitting by the water at the harbour watching the boats sailing in the wind. I wonder if this feeling is me processing what we talked about today.

I guess I'm glad you took us down that path. There were two reasons I didn't want to tell you. One was definitely that I had things in my head I wanted to say, and answering your question took us away from that, but the other was indeed shame, and a general dislike for talking about anger. There's a great deal of work to do around that, so yeah, in a way I'm glad your persevered and 'made us go there'.

My physical reactions took my by surprise. The first time I flinched, and went to protect my head. The second time, the tears came, and I don't understand why. Didn't understand why. Maybe I do now. Maybe it makes me sad that as a young person I was so scared of anger. Maybe it makes me sad that I'm still scared of it today.

Dear T,
Anxious about the test today. I'd say I wish you could be there with me, but that would be really weird considering what they're doing!

Love,
LT

Sometimes I feel like you are micromanaging my weight loss and its really confusing to me. Like will you fire me if I continue to lose more?

And now I feel like I could write a thousand words to you.

I keep thinking that the best thing for me to do is to come back and work with you. I am not caught up with the fact that this isn't an option for me. What happened? Why did you do this?

Two more sleeps...

Dear E: This might be the first time in a year that I have not written you an email after our session. I honestly think that talking about the whole email thing significantly calmed me.

Dear T,
The results are in, and they seem...OK? I have no idea if the one reading would make them want to do that one test again. I really hope not. From my googling, it seems normal enough? I hope? I suppose I will hear from the NP if she's concerned--just hope if that happens, it's at least before Friday's session, if not before Thursday's.

Also, I finally watched "The Reason I Jump." It was OK. Seemed like it was trying too hard to be artistic at times. I got a little insight from it, about how for the one child, it was difficult to distinguish memories from what's going on now. And I found the Sierra Leone portion to be particularly moving. But I'm unclear what message they were trying to convey with the film as a whole--I guess maybe some sort of insight into nonverbal (well, nonspeaking) autism? And sort of seeming hopeful in a sense at the end. I guess I just expected more in some way.

Part of me wishes I were meeting with you tomorrow, but I'd rather wait till Thursday in person than do virtual sooner. In just hope in person works out.

Love,
LT

Doctor,

I am afraid of the path ahead of me. What will I uncover? Pain I've never felt before? I don't want to say something melodramatic like, "My life is in your hands" but in all seriousness, it certainly seems that way. And I don't mean that literally, as if you're going to give me a heart transplant. I mean, I'm trusting you to help guide me through this. Make the most, the best of a situation that may be very unpleasant.

I love you.

L,
I want you to see the child-me. If I was still a child, would you hold me in your arms? Would you nurture me? My longings are so painful. Will they ever go away?

I think (fingers crossed) I've made peace with transference T. Feb 2021 when our last session was was such a long time ago. I'm now on my 4th therapist since her. My current therapist is basically the same as her minus the transference. Its just that I listen to the song Halls, or Brothers On A Hotel Bed, and I just don't feel that raw feeling I used to about her. My endocronolgist asked me how my sex drive was. I told him it was low. He asked me if I wanted that to change. I told him no. I do not need a transference T part 2.

Dear E: I am afraid you are going to cancel or move to virtual (do not like) on Friday when I tell you I’ve been sick this week. I really hope I feel better tomorrow so I can tell you I’m on the mend. Right now is not a good time to miss therapy, though is ANY time good?

Wow, 5 years ago last week that I bought that book. I tried reading it but just got SO triggered that I had to get it out of the house. (Janina Fisher healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors) I wish I hadn't given it to Ex T though as I never got it back, and it isn't cheap, that is why I asked you if you had it. Sadly not. You said it sounded good though... odd words to use for a book like that, I thought! But hey, there we go. I am so tempted to buy it again though, if for no other reason than to see how I get on with it now. I am currently reading another book about the brain and trauma and am going ok with it I think. I know it is affecting me, but not in ways that are unmanageable, which is good. But yeah, I just logged on to Amazon and saw it was five years ago last week and that... shocked me?

(Ps, anyone reading who can tell me whether this is worth buying twice?? Or has anyone ever used the workbook?)

I think it is worth it. I have read it, my ex-therapist had completed training based on it. The chapter on traumatic attachment really moved me forward regarding how I understand my relational difficulties. It's not a comfortable read. I also have some objections to her style, her observations and ego statements, but I often find that to be true in faux-academic writing. It's a good starting point, or at least has been for me. Check eBay and similar for a second hand copy.

I haven't read it, but have heard good things. I know you're in the UK, and I'm looking at the US Amazon, plus I have no idea what your budget is, but the paperback version is US$39 (whereas the hardcover is $100). So maybe see if that's available? The workbook is only $14.99. Seems like a sale of some sort, so worth seeing if the price is lower on your version of Amazon, too.