Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T--Actually I guess that was reaching out when I texted you. I guess I am trusting you that you will say something helpful. I have no idea what would be helpful. But I am trusting you to know. What's worse right now is if I reach out and it is unhelpful. Then I just feel worse. But if I don't reach out and it would be helpful, then it is a missed opportunity. And that's sad. But reaching out also means letting go. Am I ready for that? Help me. Kit

Thank you for admitting that was totally on you and you dropped the ball. I feel better.

T,

Can’t find my balance
Nervous
Foreboding

Well, see you in less than two hours. Let's see how today goes!

Thank you. I promised myself I wasn't going to 'go there' today, and I didn't. I couldn't face another week like last week. Hence the doors closing firmly when you started down that route, but it was a helpful session and I think we could use a few more of those.

Oh T--please let tonight's session be a good one. And don't be really late. And don't have crappy wifi that messes up the Zoom meeting. Thanks, Kit

Oh, and T, I love you.

I got the food allergey test done yesterday. And I went to the SS office this morning, and you were right. I was worrying for nothing. I do appreciate you saying that you know its hard not to feel guilty. Food wise things were rough today but by total accident. There was just so much going on I just forgot to eat until I was wondering why I felt so lightheaded. I hope you won't get too pissed at me for that part.

Dear T,
Sorry for my prolonged good-bye today, as I gradually worked my way out of your office. I wanted to say "I'll miss you. Love you," but of course I couldn't say that. Well, I guess I could have at least said "I'll miss you," but it feels awkward knowing you wouldn't say it back. Like, "I'll miss you." "OK, then, see you next week." So I just said random other stuff instead. It's times like these when something like a handshake (or hug, but I know you never do those) would have helped. I wish we'd had like 15 more minutes or something. As today was the first time I saw you in person in 2.5 weeks, and I won't see you again for a week. And I worry you'll come back sick again from this event like last year, so that would be even more virtual.

So, love you and will miss you,
LT

Dang it, T, why do I love you so much? It's making it hard for me to be objective. Maybe that's part of the process? Kit

Hi R,

I can feel that this week's session is going to be loaded.
Some of my key support people are unavailable to me at the moment, and this is a time where I need more support.
I also need to tell you about the event at the cathedral - not because I'm seeking your permission to go, but because I want us to have talked about it in advance of it actually happening.

Please help me to manage the time well, so that I don't get to the end of the session and feel like I should have spent it otherwise.

Best wishes,

Lost

E: Thanks for the encouragement. I really do like the idea of therapy homework instead of doing something nice for myself.

Dear T,
I will get through this, whatever it is. (Sadness about your going away? Finally seeing you in person, feeling connected, then having a week before we meet again? Something else? Do I not feel as good about what we discussed today as I thought?) I don't need to email you right now. It's a bad idea to email you right now. I'm not even sure what I want from you. Well, other than for you not to go away again, but you're not going to change that. And I want to cancel my car appointment, but I won't. I need to make sure my car is OK. I can get through that, too. I have this. If I managed at the beach, I can manage now.
Love,
LT

I'm hoping stuff comes in by Friday. I don't know what that brain zap was about 5 minutes before the end of the session. It was odd.

Dear T,
Well, apparently all that last night was at least in part hormonal. I feel better in some way that it was. I'm calmer today (though wiped out). I got the car service done (was tempted to cancel, but knew I needed to just take care of it).

I see R in 2 days, so I'm trying to think in terms of that, rather than your return on Tuesday. Then, from Friday, Tuesday is just one day longer than I usually have.

I'm not sure if you did the drive today or if it's tomorrow, but I hope it goes better than last year and that you got/get there safely.

I wish you were the sort of T who would be willing to send me a brief email or text just letting me know you arrived safely, but I imagine you wouldn't be willing to do that. Well, I mean, unless I emailed about it, but I'm not going to do that unless for some reason I start really freaking out. I'm trying to save email for if I feel I really need it. I don't want to bother you unnecessarily. Or cause myself stress in waiting for your response, then potentially be upset if it's not what I'm hoping for. See, I'm learning!

Love,
LT

Dear T,
Thanks for accepting the pillow. I know you aren’t allowed gifts, but just think of your clients! they will be so happy to have a pillow back!

Wow, T. I think maybe we had a rupture? A little one, but your response to my email was perfect and made me feel so accepted and seen. I didn’t even realize I needed that until I got it. I even cried a little.

Dear T,
I hope you got there safely. Miss you.
Love,
LT

T,
I don't want to leave

Dear R,
That session didn't go in quite the direction I thought it would, but it was helpful. And thanks for touching my shoulder when I left (after I'd just talked about missing touch).
--LT

I'm sorry. I forgot to eat again. I was so busy buying groceries I forgot I needed to eat as well. I'll figure something out. Its honestly not about restriction or weight loss I just am not hungry. My pdoc says he disagrees with you and says its ok to be on the slender side but he doesn't want me to lose anymore. My weight was the first thing he brought up though. He said it looks like I've lost a lot. I wish I wasn't so baked on valium and dealing with both motion sickness and heat exhaustion to tell him it is mainly weight redistribution.

Dear K,

I'm really glad you liked the gift. And it was so good to see your face this morning, even if incredibly briefly and in passing cars. I miss you so very much and I still hold on to the hope that one day I'll be able to see you again, human to human, though I'm not ready to broach that subject. Maybe next year. Have a fabulous birthmonth. Love you lots.

Dear E,

Whoa. Tonight went WAY deeper than I expected. I think this is the first time ever I have cried for something other than losing Jack. I still HATE HATE HATE this thought that pops up in despair, and I can’t believe I told you. I feel like a zombie now. I will try and avoid the major SH urge and do therapy “homework” instead. You are amazing. Thank you.

i wish i could talk to you about this stuff that's coming up with h today, wish I felt like i could even ask.

T,
It’s challenging. Enduring.

We are here after all this time. Let’s do this. I’m tired of suffering. The t word, ok. Whatever. It’s got to be better. I’m living the wrong life. Breathing my way through.