Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear E: Sorry for writing you again. I’m just feeling so bad. Sad and really depressed. All I want to do is sleep, and can’t, because, work. I hope you aren’t bothered I wrote again.

Dear T,
I think that was a good discussion today about both the handshakes and R. It helps to know that you just, in general, see handshakes differently, but that you also understand my perspective. I do think much of it might come down to a predictable ending, that's there no matter what we talk about. So maybe it would help if we could figure out some sort of ritual for that (once I can see you in person again!) that we both feel comfortable with. And then hopefully, at some point, resume handshakes.

I'm also glad that you seem to understand about R. I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me until I was talking to you today, but I do wonder if part of it is that she's female.

And thanks for the empathy about D.

Love,
LT

T,
I paid it even though it’s too much because I don’t feel like going back and forth. Probably not a great decision. Also T all my pathetic “you were gone” talk really doesn’t matter. Therapy, medication to make the intolerable manageable is still messed up. Jerk, I was doing alright before.

Two significant events have happened for me recently, things we anticipated and about which we often spoke. Ordinarily, I would have shared then with you. You would have understood me. Instead, you are gone and I have kept quiet. It's so easy to see how I could fully retreat into myself again. I am working at trying to keep a connection to a few people, but it's not natural or easy. Why am I even saying this to you? You don't give a flying £uck. What happened? Liar. Coward. Where are you? I hate you. Liar. Liar. Liar.

You are like constantly in my thoughts today and yesterday. Why? I hope you're not sick or something.

Dear T: Oh where are you when I need you? Why are you so far away? I know, I just talked to you yesterday, and I will talk to you tomorrow, but I need you now. In the middle. Kit

E, I am spiraling.

Oh wow, well that was a dream we should probably discuss, but right now I have absolutely no idea where to start with it.

Thanks for the email reply and that you didn't get mad that I sent one on Friday and also one yesterday afternoon. You just said thank you for both my emails and that you apologize for the delay in responding. I did legit want feedback about something but I also thought you were annoyed at me for not bringing up the issue I emailed you about on friday, during our session. But you werent.

I wish I was there with you T. I can't do this. I can't sort this out. The grief is so massive too. I wish I had your life. Anything but this.

Why is this so damn hard? I desperately want to be able to talk about it. I desperately want to be able to explain. I desperately want to be able to 'let you in' but I can't. I just can't. I try so freaking hard and yet the progress seems to be infinitesimally small. All I can manage is a diagram which makes no sense to anyone except me and a few measly words which really give you nothing to go on. I don't understand why my brain doesn't work. (actually, having read that book I now DO understand why, but sadly that doesn't help me make it work) I was really, really trying and yet I simply cannot do it. Hence the tears. I just needed to stop.

And yes, you are right, we should probably keep going with the anger theme

I am so tired. I feel like I just want to cry and cry but I can't because I am at work.

Dear T: I want you now. Not tonight. Now. But I must wait patiently. Tonight will come quickly. It will be okay. I will be okay. Hug xoxoxo Kit

Dear T I really need to get ahold of you. I can't wait until our session on Thursday. My specialist appointment about my hand did not go well and im feeling depressed about it.

Dear T,
So, if I do end up catching it from D (likely!), looking at my calendar, I may not be able to see you in person again until Sept. 6... As even if it's been 10 days and I have a couple negative tests, I doubt you'd be willing to see me in person in the couple days before you're going out of town. You likely wouldn't want to take the risk (though this would be solely up to you, I imagine, as you'd be going by yourself--well, maybe with your brother and your friend, but I doubt they have the same level of influence over your decisions that your wife and son do).

This makes me sad... I mean, I already would have been doing virtual the week I was away (if that even happens now....), plus you were always going to be gone that time. So it's not so much the number of sessions, but the stretch of time that I'll have to do virtual.

But I guess I just need to see what happens--maybe I will be able to see you once or twice in person in there? And at least we can still meet virtually.

Oh, and I made an appointment with R for when you'll be away. It occurred to me that it will still be a full week, and it will be stressful with it being D's first week of school. Plus, depending on what you say about possibly seeing her at a time when you're not away, who knows when I'd be able to see her next after this (probably not until 2023, from what you said).

Love,
LT

I did mostly what you told me to do. I rested when needed. I did one large activity today. I focused on my family. My eating was really bad but what I did eat was good. I'm hoping tommorow is better physically but today I didn't do bad mental health wise.

My head is still an absolute mess and I don't know how to make it stop.

I messed up a little tonight. It’s only Tuesday 😭

Dear E:

****TRIGGER WARNING RE: self-harm/SI******