Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

It's really kind of weird, L. This afternoon I recognized that how I've been feeling is kinda like, I've walked away from my best friend. Even though intellectually of course I know we were never and can never be friends, that's how I feel. It's a sadness I can handle though now that I have identified where it's coming from! That's the weird part. That it's a sadness I can handle now that I've named it. Surprising to me. I've done some really good work in the last few days that I think is what brought me to this point. The poems I've been writing, listening to an online lecture about Shadow work, and also watching different interviews (especially Roberts!) on the dreamwork summit this week have all been very helpful in reaching this point. I miss who you were to me, but it's okay. As I must have said to you at least 50 times I never intended to be in therapy forever - so there was always going to have to be a goodbye at some point! And, of course, I have a version of you in my heart. I also know that I can call you if I decide I want to come back. And I might still. But for now I'm okay.


Thank you for being the you that you were with me.

oh and this james hollis course on Encounters With the Shadow is just fascinating!

I knew it, i’m too much. if you haven’t responded by now, i guess we will have to have “the talk” fri.

Dear T,

I could really do with you coming back to work on Tuesday. I hope you are ok. That Art T that I contacted has confused the living daylights out of me my gut reaction to our communication probably suggests that she isn't the right person to do any of this work with. But I could really do with getting your take on it. And I wonder if you know of anyone else who might be an option. I really do feel like I want to give this a go, but like with all things, it has to feel right. Please get better and be ok for Tuesday.

Dear T,
Wish I could talk to you right now--sad about D. I guess it's good that dinner ultimately ended up happening and that we hung out outside at the house for a bit after. But her opening her gifts was so depressing.... And she initially didn't want to go to dinner, and I really had to push to get her to go. And then her being really upset on the way home, per H. But I'll just talk to you Friday (assuming it doesn't really start hitting me later or something, and then I'd email).

Today's session was really helpful. I'm glad you were understanding of what I talked about from last session. And I really felt the connection with you today, too, which I think I needed. Definitely helped with getting through tonight. And driving to dinner, I even felt good enough to be car dancing to a couple songs. I guess I just need to appreciate those tiny moments of happiness when I can?

Love,
LT

PS: I appreciated the "Take care" today.

Ok. Freaking out a smidge. I am going to be SO anxious when I see you Friday. I really, really hope I didn't eff things up because I am too needy. That is one of my biggest fear, is running people off if I am too needy. Though I know this is a different type of relationship than a friendship or a romantic relationship, but UGGGHHHH. I hate me.

Wow, I haven't had a dream like that in a long time. I know that will never happen K, but it's obviously what a part of my heart desires. To be fully embraced as a part of the family, your family. It was so good to see you again, even if only in my dream. God it felt real. Maybe the first part will in some way become a reality one day, I can still hope for that, but the rest will live as a fantasy inside of me. Honoured by me. Respected by me, Loved by me. Holding that sweet sweet baby close to my chest with you stood next to me was one of the most magical (if totally unrealistic) things ever.

I'm sorry if I end up getting you sick. My mom should have told me she was sick. I still feel ok besides some odd feeling in my throat. I'm not sure if you need to even be told any of this.

So grateful, L. SO grateful. For so much. Right now, mostly for letting me get to the leaving place on my own (extremely slow!) time and never trying to force it on me. Yeah it would have cost me a lot less $, but.... emotionally it would have been even more expensive had you been the one to kick me out instead. So I thank you. We will talk again someday.


I think.

FREAKING OUT NOW. I am going to be so anxious all day tomorrow. I’m terrified of “the talk” we probably will have to have.

Floundering today.

I may have the right to be angry, but that doesn't mean it feels OK.

First Easter season without Steve has been surprisingly hard.

Freaking out more. 24 hours is so far away. help me be okay.

When you've done something, or lived through it, enough times...you would think you'd get used to it.

Sometimes I have this fantasy of just lying in bed with you. Just next to you. Nothing intimate at all. No touching or anything. No sleeping or anything either. Just us lying facing each other. Sometimes we talk. Other times we don't. I don't know why I have this feeling sometimes. I don't recall having it about anyone else even about transference T. I never did my telesessions in my bed though when I was seeing her. To me that was crossing boundaries. She could not see my bed ever. You are different.

I don't know. Maybe I really am just confused.

Dear T, Thank you for being patient with me and helpful. I honesty feel like im making some progress again and putting effort into my healing again. Hugs Cheryl

Not important enough.

E: Thank you. I'm sorry I am so crazy.

I wanted to tell you about the Toko-Pa lecture tonight but I didn't want to bother you again. I LOVE LOVE LOVED it!!! So much. Now I want to read her book all over again. And probably all of the ones that they send out in the reading list. I took 6 pages front and back of notes!! It was awesome and she is amazing and I can't wait to sleep and dream tonight!!!!

T: I know I've been going through a lot of anxiety issues with E lately, but it matters to me that you wrote me back and checked in on me on your vacation. I really didn't expect you to write back. So, thank you for that.

I know you asked me why does it matter if people like me or not. I don't know. I guess I just don't like it when people are obvious about it. I have no idea if you like me or not. It doesn't bother me most of the time since you arent obvious about it one way or the other. But I get confused about you sometimes and its not something I can easily bring up. My hormones are changing but we arent meeting next week so hopefully things calm down by the time we do meet.