Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIV

Dear T: I hope we come to some sort of conclusion on Wednesday. Going to the wellness place isn’t going to change my grief. in fact, who wants to cry alone amongst strangers? that sounds absolutely awful. I don’t know what the right move is.

I lay awake last night seriously thinking about s. I just don't know how I can continue with the awful burden of my life. I know how dreadful that is. I know how selfish. That's why I'm not even sure I can tell you tomorrow. I just don't see the guilt, sadness, heaviness, dread leaving me for my entire life and I don't see how I can live with that.

Knowing what you know, and what I believe about the way that Steve left this world...

Dear T: I set up our Zoom for tonight. I have no idea what I am going to talk to you about. I guess something will come. Kit

I know you believe that things can change. I even know from my past experience that the 'impossible' can infact be possible. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't see how this can ever change. I don't believe that it can. I couldn't even answer your question of 'but you do want it to change' because I'm not sure what the answer is. I'm not sure why I'm spending all this money when things will never be any different. It feels like these doors are not only shut, but locked, welded, painted, chained and wedged closed. It simply feels impossible. And therefore it feels pointless.

I want to talk to you, about what now feels like the suddenness of my departure in December, the underlying reason behind it that I hadn't fully realized myself until this month, if I'm honest. What I don't know is the why behind wanting to talk to you about this stuff. Until I figure out what I'm hoping to get out of it, I'm not going to ask.

I went out to eat and it was really tough. I tried using some of the skills we talked about but my mind was just frozen I couldn't remember any of them. I did breifly try grounding by putting my feet on the floor and feeling the ground. But it didn't work. Basically I just sat frozen the whole time in the freeze mode of flight or fight. I did eat half my sanwhich though. Basically I just don't know what to do anymore.

Dear T,
My head is in a really bad place right now. Like I don't even think I can tell you everything that's in it. Please help me tomorrow.
Love,
LT

ETA: I'll be OK tonight.

Dear E and T: I miss him SO MUCH. Why is it getting worse? Help me.

Dear T,
Part of having you get me water was so I didn't have to face the waiting room while all weepy, like I said. But part of it was that I kind of wanted you to take care of me. I mean, not that getting me water is some huge thing, and probably many people's T's do it all the time. But it still felt sort of meaningful. I'm not sure that I could tell you that though--I don't want you wondering about ulterior motives behind future requests!

Plus you were willing to hand me the cup vs. being all "eek, Covid" (I thought you were going to put it on a table or something). Maybe that means at some point you'll be willing to shake hands again, if I sanitize first?

Thanks for being there with me through all my sobbing. And for not being all, to use your term, Pollyanna-ish. But for being real with me while also being empathetic.

Love you,
LT

Care from T is meaningful, LT. I'm pleased that Dr. T was able to give you that.

I went to a few stores today that I used to go to a lot before I moved. One of the reasons I went to them was because they reminded me of transference T. But I also legit liked going to them way before I knew her and I just enjoyed going to them. So no I'm not going to stop going to them just because of her. I mean yeah they did kinda trigger some thoughts. But isn't avoiding those stores also feeding into my anxiety as well? I didn't buy any mint Aero bars or Smarties. I got a box of happy hippo kinder bars because I like them not because of her. Basically it was just the mint Aero bars and the Smarties that I ate because they reminded me of her. I didn't buy either today.

Dear T
I knew you could come across as being a bit insensitive at times, but in an effort to give you a fair chance and not always be comparing you to ex-T, I've let a lot of things go without saying anything. But you surpassed yourself this week and said something which I'm finding very hard to forgive, let alone forget.

Do I raise it with you a second time or try to put it out of my mind? If I bring it up again, you may tell me you've already apologised and what more can you do. But it feels a massive mistake to make, especially 6 months into the therapy relationship. It's not like you don't really know me yet and are still finding your way.

I'm trying so hard to make this work with you, but you keep screwing up.

Sent from my SM-A526B using Tapatalk

I read something today that made me think of you. "Your acceptance is the alchemist", kind of along the lines of what is in your way, is your way. Interesting that he used the word alchemist. That's what made me think of you because we've talked about alchemy a bit as in the psychological/emotional kind. So I was a little distracted while working, my creativity sparked by seeing that word and wanting it to be in today's poem.

Dear K,

I don't think you will ever understand just how much I miss you.

Thanks, Lost. And you're right that it's meaningful.

This is such a minor little thing: But I also took a printout of the reports on my D (like 30 pages). He looked through some of them, then before he handed them back to me, he went over to his desk, grabbed a binder clip, clipped them together, and handed them back to me. Just the fact that he added the clip.

Hi R,


You're going to pick up an email from me in the morning. I'm trying to see it as me asking for what I need. You aren't as dense as P was, so I hope you will take it with grace. I would really appreciate an acknowledgement, as this feels like the closest we have come to a potential rupture.


You know what our relationship means to me, and I don't want to blow it up over something so insignificant, but at the same time, this is thoughtless...and that's not like you.

Dear T: Why? Why do I need to go? I am agreeing with you, but I wish it wasn't so.

yesterday's poem was kinda about how that one time you alluded to my love of things magical/mystical as "you're just a romantic" said as though that's a bad thing, as if it's my being a romantic that's causing my problems. As I wrote the poem I discovered that I know that it's not being a romantic per se that causes me to be sad. It's trying to shove what I am into molds decided by other people that makes me get emotional/long for more/feel sad and alone. The longing was never about you at all... it was for the me I would let myself be in your office but not many other places.

I have to laugh at myself here, because it's exactly that magical/mystical part of me that wants to believe that you were trying to lead me here when you said what you said in the way that you said it.

And **** pushing myself into molds designed by other people. **** that ****, I say.

Dear E and T: I hope this is a good decision. I know I am not doing well, but will this REALLY help?!

Dear T,
I feel like I'm seriously sucking as a parent right now. I wish I could just go to someplace alone for a week to process this. Well and still attend sessions with you. Please don't go back to virtual. I'm angry at the Covid rates in our area because they might cause that to happen. I think maybe I'm angry at a lot of things right now? Maybe if I could shift more from sad to angry (about D and other stuff), it would be better? I know acceptance is the ultimate goal. I suppose in the whole stages of grief, anger happens earlier, but I have more issues with feeling and expressing anger, so maybe it actually happens later for me?

Doesn't help at all that D is laughing at me right now....

And totally stupid thing I'm angry about: The fantasy baseball player I just got in a trade less than a week ago is now injured and out for the season. (I promise not to be whiny about that tomorrow!)

Love,
LT

How could you ever understand how much it hurts

So congrats I trust you you came back after your surgery. Now the therapy starts.

Happy Birthday again, Doctor. You are such a wonderful gift to so many people. And, you're wrong; I've told every person I've known about you. I tell them how great you are and that I love you because you've saved my life. I'm feeling a little lonesome right now. Work is stressing me out a lot. And you know, I'm still a misanthrope, so there's but a few people I have any kind of connection with. I can't stand people, but sometimes I struggle with and feel bad about that. I kind of wish you were here to talk to. I saw you today so I don't understand why I feel this way. Maybe I didn't get to talk about something I needed to. Though, what, I don't know.

Anyway, I hope you have a nice trip. Happy Anniversary. Enjoy yourselves. And Happy Birthday again. I love you.

You are going to be so pissed at me about last night. Believe me I don't feel good about it either. I don't know why I'm not calling the nurses hotline like we agreed on. But yeah not a good idea what I did. My anxiety sucks right now.