[ScarletPimpernel]

Why is in-person better than virtual?

I'm having a hard time explaining this to L. L has a lot of long distance relationships. And she's very secure with herself. So I just don't think she understands why having in-person sessions are so important to me. We've come up with words like "withness" and "presence". There's touch. But it's hard to explain otherwise what the difference is.

I have transitional objects, and we have our own essential oil for "our" smell. We have candies too. I have something of hers and she has something of mine. I still get my sessions and between session support. She's also still a part of my safety plan. I have pictures, and we can do video. She's just in a different state right now. But it makes a huge difference to me!

How do I explain to L why it matters? Does anyone else feel this way and know how to describe what "it" is?

[LonesomeTonight]

My T has said, in talking about in-person vs. virtual, that when two people are in a room together, there's an "energy" there that isn't there in a virtual session. I would agree with that. He said how he can also get a sort of "aura" from someone, like if they're feeling really depressed, he's better able to sense that in person.

There's also the ability for both therapist and client to see the full body language, not just what shows on camera. I think that can be valuable. For example, I tend to be very fidgety when I'm anxious (well, in general, but more when I'm anxious). If I'm fidgeting with my hands on my lap, he's not going to see that if we're having a Zoom session, but he'd see that in person. Or if I were tapping my foot.

Plus eye contact isn't really the same virtually.

[Groundhogday11]

I'm also struggling with online therapy. It feels like a simulation of therapy. Like walking on a treadmill, infront of a screen with a livestream of a pathway through the bush, as a substitute for going on a bush walk. Anyway, that's what the difference feels like to me. Virtual therapy is better than nothing but it's not as good as in person.

[mote.of.soul]

Yes, and with in-person, the person is physically there with you, there in the room, real, not just a voice and an image on a monitor ten thousand miles away. That's an illusion. For me it makes a difference and I wouldn't really feel a need to explain it any further than that. You might as well be writing letters to each other. It's just not the same. ((hug))

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I felt more disconnected from T when I saw her via zoom. It was as if there literally was a screen between us. I'm a very visceral person though - I need someone's physical energy to connect with them. Your T might be more intellectual or practical and doesn't see the difference between seeing someone in the room or online.

[ElectricManatee]

In addition to what people have said above:

- access to a special separate space that I only use for therapy (seems more powerful to me than a room in my own house that I use for any number of other things, plus I feel cared for sort of like how I do when a friend hosts me at their place)
- no possibility of technical glitches
- feeling my therapist's presence very strongly even when I can't/won't look at her
- having to drive to and from my appointment gives me space and time to prepare before and to decompress after

[Oliviab]

I really struggle with telehealth, too. My T, luckily, seems to get it without my having to explain it too much.

We have talked about it in these terms:

• being able to get a "felt sense" of each other
• mirror neurons working better in person (as designed)
• we can both read non-verbal cues MUCH better--we're missing a lot of information when not in person
• connection - when we're telehealth, if I look away or he looks away, the connection is broken--it's like he disappears. In person, if I look way, there is still a felt sense of him being in the room with me
• probably related to hypervigilance--I need to be able to scan the environment and am always reading the other person for "safety." I told him that teletherapy felt like driving with someone's hands covering my eyes.
• he becomes "not real" over time when we're doing telehealth

[LostOnTheTrail]

R recently introduced me to the concept of 'immediacy' within our relationship, and it feels like it fits here. When working with R remotely, I really struggled with the distance. I'd been accustomed to her being close by, and needed that to be able to talk about the things I wanted to address, at the level of depth I required.

Being in person again gives me back that sense of immediacy. I know she's right there, and that in turn helps me open up.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I certainly know how the two seem very different. Though I've never had video sessions, other meetings I've done a lot via video the last few years. I think it holds true for those instances as well, in therapy maybe it's a bit more "enhanced".

The best explanation I've come up with so far is it's somehow the "sum of all parts" that makes it different. Video usually is much closer to the persons face, you do not see the whole body. This not only changes the perspective of the face, but also what you can focus on. You can't see the shoes of your T unless the shoes somehow get brought up and T decides to show them. You can't see the whole room unless it's shown to you. You don't see the entry to the house, the flowers outside, the new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom. It's small things, but I think it adds up to a whole package. Not that I judge my T about the house he has his office in much, but it's gives you a different feeling. This all falls away for video conferences, no matter with what person.

There is a disconnect that happens when you don't experience the same surroundings.
When I see friends on video, it's them enjoying their cup of coffee from their mug, me the same with mine, we can't smell each others coffee. You can't comment on the coffee flavor. If your friend drops the mug, you can't help cleaning up or interact in any way besides commenting on it. On top of that, physical cues are much harder to read. You can't see them crossing their fingers to the point of their knuckles showing, or them whipping their leg, or anything... it's still possible to read the emotions, but it's much harder for me. And since I pick up on a lot, that bothers me to some extend.

For me, it creates kind of an impression of being in two different realities. You do experience some of the same things, i.e. the conversation, the topics, the video stream. But everything outside of it is not shared. This is of course also true for in person, but much less so. You have the same smells (not as in the same kind of smell, but literally the same smell from the same bottle of essential oil coming from the same place in the room), the same outside sounds, the same kind of acoustics, same time of day... I often struggle with the topics around my T and other people having their own reality, even though we share some parts. Video kind of enhances that feeling. A similar thing for me from therapy (though it's much, much less severe for video) is dissociation? You are there, with the person, on the video. But you're not there in all the ways that could be.

I, also, think it's kind of a personal preference. There are advantages to being able to connect from whatever place to whoever you want. Some people can deal with having separate realities from somebody else relatively well. Others like me struggle more with it, and then you might prefer in-person sessions.

[zoiecat]

I am actyally able to open up more on video when discussing trauma. Being there in the same room makes me feel too exposed and uncomfortable. Also I like the option of disappear i g with the click of a button if things get too intense. In person sessions force me to sit in the discomfort.

Sorry. I know this against topic but I just wanted to share some of the pluses of virtual sessions.

[ArtieTheSequal]

Originally Posted by zoiecat

I am actyally able to open up more on video when discussing trauma. Being there in the same room makes me feel too exposed and uncomfortable. Also I like the option of disappear i g with the click of a button if things get too intense. In person sessions force me to sit in the discomfort.

Sorry. I know this against topic but I just wanted to share some of the pluses of virtual sessions.

that was a plus for me, as well, on occasion the being able to click the button and she couldn't see me anymore. Although ex-T was not happy when I'd do that.

But mostly, I vastly preferred in person to zoom. Agree with all of the things others have said...mostly that the energy is just not the same over zoom. And my h would almost always find some stupid reason or other to open the door and interrupt. I hated the lack of privacy.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Absolutely, that was a bugbear for me too. It doesn't matter how many times someone says they aren't listening - they can still hear.

[Etcetera1]

Its just like in person it's 3D and on video it's 2D

[Favorite Jeans]

Therapists talk a lot about the therapeutic “frame.” It seems to me that the physical space itself is part of that frame. The ritual of going to a place and then leaving it, the privacy of the place, the act of sitting with a living breathing human etc.

I think it’s super weird that we have these very specific camera angles of each other. Like we’re out of context. I don’t know what the rest of her room looks like. I don’t even know what the rest of her body looks like.

For now I’m doing good work regardless and I’ve just accepted virtual and stopped asking for anything else because I find the asking exhausting. I also find it much easier not to get attached to this 2D virtual person who sometimes gets pixelated and frozen. Not getting so attached is also less exhausting.

But OMG. It’s totally not the same.

[Rive.]

Because human beings are social animals and need human contact.. Research showed how humans thrive on closeness, proximity, intimacy. Being in the presence of another stimulates biochemical reactions + the energy or felt sense from another (energetic field or 'vibes') that is missing via screen.

How can any of that be achieved through this sterile digital space.

[nottrustin]

For me it is about feeling connected and the emotional energy that just does not happen virtually. Being at home does not feel as safe as her office. When we are in that office the rest of the world stops existing. That hour is just about our work. At home I hear people and a dog, thus, reminding me they are here and possibly able to hear us. At least once every session we have some type of technical difficulty.