Driving past your therapist's house

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Originally Posted by SlumberKitty I've never driven by a T's house, although I only know where one of my former T's lives and it is in a completely different town. I do have her address and I send her Christmas cards every year. She does not send me one. I haven't really given gifts to a T except for former T. I would make her handmade cards when she would go on vacation. And when she got sick with MS I made her a blanket. And when we stopped working together I sent her a little stuffed animal mouse that I also had that I would often bring to therapy with me. So we each have one. She accepted these things graciously. But probably because it was at the end of our time together. I can see wanting to take care of your T when they are out sick and it would frustrate me that they accepted the gifts and then suddenly it's not okay, especially as they had given you gifts before. So that's kind of strange. I don't think your T is up for doing the kind of work that you need, but that is just my two cents. You can certainly do whatever your heart and gut and mind tell you is the right thing to do. I am sorry that your T hasn't been more caring and responsive to you during this long time of not seeing her. That would be very difficult for me as well. Sending you hugs, if you want, Kit

Thank you, Kit. I'll take that hug.

Thank you. I tried to discuss it with her, but she happened to be outside and saw me when I drove by (a 1 in 1000th chance IMO). The next session, the clinical director joined and they both told me my T lost her objectivity the moment she saw me drive by and couldn’t be a good therapist to me anymore. I wish I could’ve had the knowledge and understanding I do now to ask her where her objectivity was when she thought coming into my dorm room (all the while knowing I was in love with her, felt special to her, and wished we could be friends) was a good idea.

She saw you just driving? Not getting out, not stopping, not coming up to the door? I think it’s bizarre that she wouldn’t even talk to you why you were driving there. Sitting in your dorm and holding hands is fine but driving by isn’t. Hhmm

It all boils down to me believing that many therapists deliberately cultivate dependency in clients but make sure it’s on their terms.

Like supposedly patients have this special bond with them yet it bothers me that therapists don’t share their private phone numbers with clients. I suspect some clients would avoid driving by their house if they could occasionally call or text their therapist when they feel like driving by their house. And then therapists could violate boundaries but clients can’t? I’d be just as mortified with people showing up at my door unannounced as therapist showing up in my private space or declaring their love.

If therapists want their privacy (and they have rights for that) and don’t want to share their number, it’s all good. But then why send mixed messages to clients? What’s the agenda. It helps no one but a therapist. They want dependency yet strictly on their terms

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Originally Posted by justbreathe1994 Thank you. I tried to discuss it with her, but she happened to be outside and saw me when I drove by (a 1 in 1000th chance IMO). The next session, the clinical director joined and they both told me my T lost her objectivity the moment she saw me drive by and couldn’t be a good therapist to me anymore. I wish I could’ve had the knowledge and understanding I do now to ask her where her objectivity was when she thought coming into my dorm room (all the while knowing I was in love with her, felt special to her, and wished we could be friends) was a good idea.

WOW. I'm sorry that that therapist was a real loser. Please let yourself off the hook, sweetie. You did NOT commit a crime, not even a bad deed. You ended up getting - to put it bluntly - screwed over

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Originally Posted by divine1966 She saw you just driving? Not getting out, not stopping, not coming up to the door? I think it’s bizarre that she wouldn’t even talk to you why you were driving there. Sitting in your dorm and holding hands is fine but driving by isn’t. Hhmm It all boils down to me believing that many therapists deliberately cultivate dependency in clients but make sure it’s on their terms. Like supposedly patients have this special bond with them yet it bothers me that therapists don’t share their private phone numbers with clients. I suspect some clients would avoid driving by their house if they could occasionally call or text their therapist when they feel like driving by their house. And then therapists could violate boundaries but clients can’t? I’d be just as mortified with people showing up at my door unannounced as therapist showing up in my private space or declaring their love. If therapists want their privacy (and they have rights for that) and don’t want to share their number, it’s all good. But then why send mixed messages to clients? What’s the agenda. It helps no one but a therapist. They want dependency yet strictly on their terms

That power imbalance is why I am questioning the validity of therapy now. It can far too easily become a re-traumatization of childhood traumas, for those of us who struggle with those.

Valid points.

It doesn’t have to be about power unless therapist creates this kind of situation. Like you don’t feel that dentist has power imbalance.

I don’t necessarily think every therapist creates this imbalance or that therapy is invalid. I think it could be invalid when therapists take advantage (consciously or subconsciously) of clients who are in need of something.

And I think it’s weird that they are in caring profession yet could be so careless. Like if a t is sick, why couldn’t she let you know that she is very sick and will be gone and ask if you’d like to be referred. Why she plays this hide and seek making you guess

I am just rambling

hugs

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Originally Posted by divine1966 Valid points. It doesn’t have to be about power unless therapist creates this kind of situation. Like you don’t feel that dentist has power imbalance. I don’t necessarily think every therapist creates this imbalance or that therapy is invalid. I think it could be invalid when therapists take advantage (consciously or subconsciously) of clients who are in need of something. And I think it’s weird that they are in caring profession yet could be so careless. Like if a t is sick, why couldn’t she let you know that she is very sick and will be gone and ask if you’d like to be referred. Why she plays this hide and seek making you guess I am just rambling

Nope, your post makes sense all over the place. I agree with every point you made.

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Originally Posted by Fuzzybear hugs

Thank you, Fuzzy. Big gentle bear hugs to you, too

Yeah, I'm not saying you're stalking your therapist. I think your therapist communicated badly.

I was not clear enough on that important part (due to remembering frightening things, then other boundary stuff with another therapist) that your therapist wasn't clear, and she "went off" on you abruptly when she wasn't clear in the first place.

I also really don't like how some therapists have double standards. Eg, a client can't be late even for a serious reason but the therapist is repeatedly late. Had a big rupture with my therapist over it, and I also used other examples to illustrate the difference in standards.

As for grounding, I basically go out of the clinic altogether, and sit in a staircase until I'm grounded. I don't drive but have been too dissociative to take public transport back immediately.

Beth I’m sort of mad at your therapist, frankly. I’m sorry that she’s sick, it must be awful for her, but it doesn’t absolve her of her responsibility to you. And she has not held up her end of the bargain.

Here’s what it would look like to hold up her end of the bargain:

She’d tell you that she is going to be off for x months and will be in contact with you at x time about a possible return.

She thinks her colleague Y would be a great fit for you and is able to see you weekly and has agreed to cover in her absence. With your permission she will talk to said colleague and hand over your file. (Not that “other therapists are available”; she is specifically handing your care to someone trusted while she is on leave.)

She is or is not open to any kind of communication during her sick leave.

She cares about you and she is sorry to have to suspend your work together.

That’s it. If you look through these threads many therapists have handled their illnesses and retirements this way.

Of course you care about her and are sending gifts and driving past her house and wishing her well. Maybe you’d do that regardless, but maybe that’s the only form of communication available to you. Maybe you’re missing her, worried, craving contact and reassurance.

I think it’s not cool and unprofessional of her to leave anyone in the lurch but especially someone with bipolar, especially someone with whom she’s been having very intense sessions. All I see in your post is a therapist who thinks about herself (her issues, her house payments, her license, her feelings about you) and not about your needs or her impact on you.

I’m sorry if that’s harsh-sounding, I know it’s hard when people criticize our therapists and it’s not her fault that she’s sick. But being a therapist isn’t just making sympathetic noises at people and feeling high on their need for you; you actually have to be responsible to them.

I agree with everything you said. There are many much better options to handle the situation than how this t did. Literally just gone for months with no explanation and no alternative service offered. It sounds irresponsible

I agree, too. I mean, my T offers me the contact info of a backup T if he's just going on vacation for a week. He said he considers it "abandoning his practice" if he just goes without offering that (and he's a solo practitioner). When I saw ex-T, she worked in a practice and always told me who was covering for her when she was on vacation (once I started seeing ex-MC in the same practice, it was usually just that they each covered for the other).

It could be more difficult to find someone to cover for a T immediately if they suddenly fell ill (or had to be away for another unexpected reason), but I'd think they'd still have an obligation to do so within a week or two (if it extended that long), if at all possible. And to provide some sort of periodic update to clients.

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Originally Posted by Quietmind 2 Yeah, I'm not saying you're stalking your therapist. I think your therapist communicated badly. I was not clear enough on that important part (due to remembering frightening things, then other boundary stuff with another therapist) that your therapist wasn't clear, and she "went off" on you abruptly when she wasn't clear in the first place. I also really don't like how some therapists have double standards. Eg, a client can't be late even for a serious reason but the therapist is repeatedly late. Had a big rupture with my therapist over it, and I also used other examples to illustrate the difference in standards. As for grounding, I basically go out of the clinic altogether, and sit in a staircase until I'm grounded. I don't drive but have been too dissociative to take public transport back immediately.

Once I did express my annoyance to my T about the double standard. Why do I have to give 24 hour notice to cancel, but she frequently cancelled with only a few hours notice She admitted that it isn't a fair policy.

Sitting in the stairwell is a good idea. The processing following a session is so important.

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Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans Beth I’m sort of mad at your therapist, frankly. I’m sorry that she’s sick, it must be awful for her, but it doesn’t absolve her of her responsibility to you. And she has not held up her end of the bargain. Here’s what it would look like to hold up her end of the bargain: She’d tell you that she is going to be off for x months and will be in contact with you at x time about a possible return. She thinks her colleague Y would be a great fit for you and is able to see you weekly and has agreed to cover in her absence. With your permission she will talk to said colleague and hand over your file. (Not that “other therapists are available”; she is specifically handing your care to someone trusted while she is on leave.) She is or is not open to any kind of communication during her sick leave. She cares about you and she is sorry to have to suspend your work together. That’s it. If you look through these threads many therapists have handled their illnesses and retirements this way. Of course you care about her and are sending gifts and driving past her house and wishing her well. Maybe you’d do that regardless, but maybe that’s the only form of communication available to you. Maybe you’re missing her, worried, craving contact and reassurance. I think it’s not cool and unprofessional of her to leave anyone in the lurch but especially someone with bipolar, especially someone with whom she’s been having very intense sessions. All I see in your post is a therapist who thinks about herself (her issues, her house payments, her license, her feelings about you) and not about your needs or her impact on you. I’m sorry if that’s harsh-sounding, I know it’s hard when people criticize our therapists and it’s not her fault that she’s sick. But being a therapist isn’t just making sympathetic noises at people and feeling high on their need for you; you actually have to be responsible to them.

Your post is so on target that I may just email it to her (without your username or forum disclosure, of course). Bottom line...her therapeutic skills are very poor. She's supposed to be an expert in communication, but she has created a complete communication breakdown.

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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight I agree, too. I mean, my T offers me the contact info of a backup T if he's just going on vacation for a week. He said he considers it "abandoning his practice" if he just goes without offering that (and he's a solo practitioner). When I saw ex-T, she worked in a practice and always told me who was covering for her when she was on vacation (once I started seeing ex-MC in the same practice, it was usually just that they each covered for the other). It could be more difficult to find someone to cover for a T immediately if they suddenly fell ill (or had to be away for another unexpected reason), but I'd think they'd still have an obligation to do so within a week or two (if it extended that long), if at all possible. And to provide some sort of periodic update to clients.

"Abandoning his practice" - exactly. As you say, a therapist has a responsibility besides just using clients to make the T's house payment!

I have been seeing M.'s colleague, who is a psychologist and an excellent T. I'm so lucky to have met him - I took the initiative on my own; she certainly didn't offer a back-up therapist. I would like to transfer to be his client, but he's leaving the clinic at the end of this month, which is very unfortunate for me.

I'm sorry he's leaving, too--is he going someplace where you could follow him? If not, could he recommend another T at the clinic (or elsewhere) who could be a good fit?

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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight I'm sorry he's leaving, too--is he going someplace where you could follow him? If not, could he recommend another T at the clinic (or elsewhere) who could be a good fit?

Hi LT, He's semi-retiring and will be working from his home, telehealth only. The agency who will manage his practice doesn't take my insurance - although he is trying to work on that. The thing is though...I'm not comfortable with telehealth. That said, if the insurance can work out I'd be willing to do occasional sessions with him.

I have already moved my healthcare to a different clinic. Too many people who work at the current clinic have told me that the administration (it's new since winter) is horrible. Several practitioners have left.

Wow, you had to bring it up for her to recognise that's unfair to you? Particularly if the group practice has a cancellation fee, but also because its disrespectful to your time / schedule.

What if you had to take a day off work to see her, and therefore lost income? I bet she wouldn't pay you for your lost income.

I will sometimes sit in my car for a while after session to ground myself. Once, after a very difficult ex-MC session, I sat there for an hour.

I've sat in my car after a session as well. Now that I do them telehealth, I usually just go lay in my bed afterward.

When I did them from home, I'd sometimes stay up in the bedroom (where I had them--at a little desk) for a while. I might tell H I was doing work, but something it was just to decompress from a session.

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Originally Posted by Quietmind 2 Wow, you had to bring it up for her to recognise that's unfair to you? Particularly if the group practice has a cancellation fee, but also because its disrespectful to your time / schedule. What if you had to take a day off work to see her, and therefore lost income? I bet she wouldn't pay you for your lost income.

Exactly. A complete disregard of me - and other clients.

I sit in my car in the parking lot sometimes after really rough sessions. Once I sat there for twenty minutes. Eventually my T came out and I freaked for a minute, thinking she was going to be upset that I was there. But she came over and chatted for a minute and it was fine. She was apparently going somewhere in between clients, and our chat was more helpful than the session had been, oddly enough.

I have sat outside in my car after sessions, but after one time when she nearly scared me to death, knocking on my window to make sure I was okay, I now normally book it out of there, crying or not. I am her last client of the day, and I know she leaves right after to go pick up her kids, so it would be weird if I was always just sitting in the parking lot.