I told my therapist I love her--in a platonic way

So Saturday evening at 6 PM I had a Zoom appointment with my T. We usually meet on Tuesdays but she had Covid last week and didn't feel well on Tuesday but she was feeling better by Saturday.

We had a pretty good session. We talked about a lot of topics and things that were bothering me. I felt really good about it.

Sometime after the session, maybe an hour or two later, still on that therapy "high" I sent my T a text. I said:

"Thank you for talking to me tonight on a Saturday. I hope you sleep well tonight and keep feeling better every day. Also I hope you will help me with some of the harmful voices and visuals. I know you can't say this back but I love you. xoxoxo Kit"

Several hours later T replied:

"Watch me.
I love you, too."

I didn't actually get her text until the next morning. I was kind of surprised that she said it back, although I shouldn't have been. She kind of has looser boundaries than I am used to.

When I first read it, I felt good. I felt like comforted and nurtured.

But it's been well I guess like a day and a half and I feel a little different about it now. Like maybe I was in that therapy "high" and feeling all warm and fuzzy about my T and that is what led me to open up that way. I kind of wish I didn't say it now--not because it isn't true--it is, but I just feel weird and vulnerable.

I don't know if it would have been better if she hadn't said it. But it felt good at the time, but now since I feel weird and vulnerable, it's just sort of perplexing to me.

I have an appointment tomorrow. My plan is to avoid all talk of this text message and focus on other things. And pretend like it didn't happen. But I know it does mean something to me because I pinned the text message to my favorites. Not too sure what to do next.

Anyone else been in this situation? Any thoughts, comments, etc welcome.

Thanks, Kit

I haven't been in this exact situation as my T doesn't share feelings much with me but I have shared some of my strong feelings with them.

Like you, when I do share vulnerable feelings it can feel good and appropriate in the moment but a bit 'ick' and uncomfortable afterwards. I think this is what Brene Brown means when she refers to what she call a vulnerability hangover. The feelings that arise after we share something deep and vulnerable can lead us to feel exposed and it can be a little scary especially if it is not something we are used to doing or have been hurt a lot in the past. For me it feels like a bit of a dangerous space.

I'm glad your T was able to respond to you and accept your vulnerability openly and with care. I can understand though how her response may bring up mixed feelings. How would it have been if she had not responded back? I would try and lean into the nice feelings and let go of the discomfort but thats far easier said than done I know.

Talking about my vulnerability and the fears with my T after I've shared something intense and having her listen and reaffirm that it was ok and nothing has changed has been helpful so maybe speaking about it in that way might be useful?

I did this with my last t. A lot! Thing is, we never said it to each other at the same time. I know for me, i just wasnt feeling it when he said it. And when i said it, he usually said thank you. I think when a client says it, we are feeling safe and loved and appreciative, probably among other things, and those seem to be the words to convey that.

Thanks smileygal!

The vulnerability hangover sounds about right! It does feel like a bit of dangerous space. I am pretty good at telling my close friends that I love them on a weekly basis or a bit more frequently but I've only known my T since like November, and she took most of December off, so like 6-7 months. I would never have told former T that I loved her this soon! I don't know what got into me!

If she hadn't responded, or if she had said something like, "I care about you." I would probably have understood it in my rational mind, but have been disappointed in my emotional self. So I do think it is good that she responded in a positive, caring, loving way. I'm just a little freaked out now.

Maybe it is because I don't feel like I deserve love. Or maybe I am like, she doesn't know enough about me to know if she loves me, yet. So I don't totally trust it. I don't know.....kind of hard to say!

I *probably* should talk this over with her but I am super scared to!

Thanks for your response! I really appreciate it! HUGS kit

Interesting unaluna that you and your last T didn't say it at the same time! Former T only said it to me once, at the end of our 10 years together, at our very last session when I was bawling my eyes out and crying hysterically. I told her I loved her and she said I love you too. I had told her prior to that several times that I loved her but she never reciprocated that. I was pretty sure she loved me but it's different when you hear it. But I didn't tell her that I loved her until maybe like year 7. Maybe this is some kind of progress that I am able to tell this to my current T now after only a relatively short amount of time! Hmm.

Thanks, unaluna! HUGS kit

I don't get how people get so close to their therapists???
Like, I've disclosed a lot to past T's (trauma, mistakes, etc) but the one I opened up the most to I ended up resenting the most.
Not trying to hijack your thread, just curious how people get attached to someone who you pay to pretend to give a shyt.
Maybe I'll make my own thread on this.

When L and I first started saying "I love you", we discussed what the word "love" actually means to us. Maybe you would feel more secure with the word if you both discussed your meanings. "Love" doesn't have to be a scary word or mean something it doesn't.

The uncomfortable feeling probably stems from you exposing deep feelings. And coming from the client's side it feels more vulnerable because of the inherent power dynamic of this relationship.

I hear that you don't want to bring it up but a 'good' T would bring it up themselves i.e. what it means to you and (hopefully in the case of your T because she said it too) what it means for her and where you both go from there. I think this distinction is important to make and probably why some (professional / ethical) Ts discuss it with clients and are wary of using this term.

I am not implying that your T is not ethical or a 'good' T as she has shown that she is not a 'typical' T. But yeah, it is a loaded word and can carry a lot of expectations or mis-alignments, mis-direction, mis-interpretation... so I think that Ts ought to be careful when 'love' is in the room.

Hi MuddyBoots,

I certainly haven't gotten so close to most of my therapists. I did with former T but I was with her for 10 years and for the first 2 I didn't think about her much out of session or really anything. I didn't feel close to her. But over time, as I shared more and trusted more, I just I don't know, started caring about her and being more vulnerable, and sharing more and that just led to a cycle. And after a while, with her being constantly there for me, I just realized that I loved her.

Another T I only saw for a short amount of time, like 2 months, but I attached to her quickly. I never said I loved her, although I did and it hurt like heck when we ended. It was just a short term thing in IOP.

This T is totally different than any of my other T's that I have seen. I think that what gets me is that she is confident she can help me, and she is confident that I can overcome some things that other T's have told me I would deal with for life. She says of course, she doesn't have a crystal ball so she doesn't know for sure but through the work she has done with other clients, she doesn't think that some of my symptoms have to be a life sentence. I guess she gives me hope and so I am attached to her.

Other therapists I haven't attached to. I don't know if it was just a personality thing, or we didn't really get deep enough, or what exactly. I don't know. I guess a lot just depends on the relationship that is built. I don't know if that answers your question....just my jumbled thoughts on the subject.

Hmm. Thank you Scarlet. That is something to consider. I have one friend who I tell 3 or 4 times a week that I love her and she has said it back exactly once, in a over the shoulder as she was walking away sort of thing. So it's sort of weird. I saw a post that she replied to on Facebook once about saying "I love you" and how she says she rarely says it and it means a lot when she does say it. So I think that with that particular friend, we just come from two different views of it.

With this T, I have been signing my texts xoxoxo for a while so she probably already knew that I love her. I don't think it surprised her at all. I surprised myself by sending that text to her, and perhaps my rashness has gotten me unsettled now. I don't know if I can have that conversation with her tomorrow on what love means to her and what loves means to me but it might be something we can have in the future. Thanks for the suggestion, Scarlet. I appreciate it. Kit

Just in case - to me its about the space and how i am feeling. Like the ad, "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Its not an expression of attachment, as much as it is relief, for me.

Thank you Rive for your thoughts, and taking the time to answer my post. When you said that "The uncomfortable feeling probably stems from you exposing deep feelings" that made a lot of sense. Like with my parents, they don't really say that they love me. My Dad in particular will do things for me that shows that he loves me. Like today for example, he is taking my car into the shop. So that's an act of love. But neither of my parents have ever been good at saying that they love me. I say it to them, but most of the time it is met with silence. For example, when I went into the kitchen this morning, we had ants. I was like, crap! So I went and woke up my Dad and he got up and started spraying and doing whatever to clean them up. As I was getting ready to walk out of the door and go to work, I came up behind him as he was wiping the counter and I hugged him and I said, "I love you, Papa." He didn't say anything. Like, nothing. Not have a good day. See you later kid. Nothing. And that is just how it has always been. I tell two of my friends on a fairly regular basis that I love them. One doesn't say it back and the other one does. I also tell my sister that I love her and she will say it back. Or say it first and then I say it back. But I think there may be some emotional baggage from my childhood and even currently with saying I love you to someone, because of my parents lack of response.

So saying it to my T was a big deal. But I didn't really think through it. I acted on impulse. And my T being sort of an untypical T probably didn't think through it either and said it back. I do agree with you that the T should probably bring it up and discuss it, especially if the client doesn't. Which I don't plan on doing tomorrow. I'm a bit embarrassed that I told her that I love her. Even though I do. I've said it on the Dear T thread here, it was just that I had never told her. So now I have this embarrassment and vulnerability and confusion and whatever else and I probably need for T to take the reins and talk about it, but I'd bet she doesn't.

Thank you Rive. Kit

This is a good idea, to discuss what it means to each of you. Maybe that would help you feel more OK with it, Kit?

It makes me think of when Dr. T and I were discussing caring about someone, and it seemed like we had different definitions for it, or at least requirements. He seemed to think you had to know someone well to care about them, so when I told him...I don't know 6 months in that I cared about him, he was like, "How can you care about me? You don't even really know me." And I said I can care about neighbors who I barely know or even complete strangers. (It came up again a couple years after that, and then he said he felt I knew him pretty well, so he understood my caring about him.)

What's weird is, he seemed fine with my saying I loved him platonically not that long after the "I care about you" thing. Though he said, "It's platonic, so it's basically that you like me a lot." Me: "Uh, I guess so, yeah, sure." (even though it's not how I defined it, felt safer to go with his definition). Of course he didn't reciprocate and never would, I'm pretty certain (I haven't mentioned that in years). But he's very different from your T, Kit, or yours, Scarlet.

Also, your explanation of how your parents never really say "I love you" suggests why it may feel particularly meaningful/a big deal with your T saying it. I grew up hearing it (mainly from my mom), so I suppose it feels more normal to me. It could be a good topic to bring up with your T--not necessarily going into her statement to you, but how you express it to others, how you feel when you do/don't hear it back, etc.

Hi LT,

Yes, I think defining the word would probably help me out in this situation, but I have to get over my embarrassment and whatever else first! I was totally prepared for Julieanne to be like, "I care about you very much." Or something in reply but she just went all in. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was.

I definitely agree with you that you can care about people that you don't know well, or know at all. I care about people dying in Syria because of the war and I don't know them! And I care about Julieanne. When she was sick last week with Covid, I sent her a gift card to Doordash in the amount of my copay. It was a simple thing. She thanked me for it when we talked on Saturday and it wasn't a big deal. It was just an act of care from one individual to another. But like I said earlier, my T is a bit unusual. A lot of T's probably would have been uncomfortable with that.

As for your other post in discussing with my T about my parents lack of telling me that they love me, it is probably something we need to talk about at some point in therapy. It's just hard because my parents are always there in the other room when I have therapy and it kind of hinders what I can say about them. I mean, they can't hear Julieanne because I wear headphones but they probably can hear what I say even though they have the TV on. It's just where I live the only place to get reliable signal is in the dining room. So that severely limits privacy. I have emailed her on a couple of occasions when I wanted to tell her something about my parents and she was okay with that, so that might be an option worth exploring.

Thanks, LT. Kit

What you wrote about your parents, and in particular the instance with your dad this morning, feels so painful Slumberkitty. I am only reading your words and it feels painful, I can only imagine how it must feel for you... You have a loving heart and show your love and care to others so readily, it is sad to read that you were not met in relationships growing up and even now - with that other friend and your dad.

I see how this was indeed a big deal to say these words to T and have her say it back to you.

It makes sense that you would feel so many emotions - from embarrassment to confusion... I wish for you that T takes the reins, as you say. I think it might help entangle some of the confusion and/or provide you with reassurance.

All I will say (and feel free to ignore) is that when a relationship or someone is important to you, you do not hesitate to say it. You tell them how you feel. I see that as *so* brave... and so rare. People don't typically express how they feel and sometimes, regret not saying it when they had the opportunity. But you do - again, you have such a loving heart that you do not hesitate to say it instinctively. You spoke your truth SK, and I feel that is commendable.

Wow. Thank you, Rive. I never thought of it this way. Thank you.

Yes, I have had the experience. And then finances change, insurance changes, somebody moves, a huge rupture occurs, etc., etc. The thing is, a therapist's love is very conditional. It isn't like a parent's love. That ship has sailed.

But if you haven't had that love from a parent, even conditional love can be incredibly healing!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Waterbear But if you haven't had that love from a parent, even conditional love can be incredibly healing!!

It depends upon how psychologically fragile we are.

I'm echoing Rive. I was going to type a similar comment. SK, I'm always struck by your loving, caring and giving heart. I understand the many, conflicting emotions you describe.

It sounds so painful for you to express your loving feelings with words (your other love language being giving gifts), and for that to be consistently ignored.

I would feel pretty hurt if I genuinely said "I love you" (platonic) to someone and they ignored, belittled or dismissed it. I therefore only say that phrase extremely rarely unless it's my fiancé.

I hope that your next session goes well, and that you can process those many emotions with her.

I would say opposite... It depends how emotionally gentle and honest the therapist is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Waterbear I would say opposite... It depends how emotionally gentle and honest the therapist is.

...annnd I'll say that it depends upon the therapist, the client, and the relationship between the t and the client. I've had 2 long-term t's; one was through the veteran's admin; he was something of a macho guy, no nonsense, lay the cards out on the table. Definitely not what I'd call gentle. But he was strong, disciplined, clear, safe. Reliable. Predictable.

My current t is very gentle, honest, warm. I thought her manner meant she truly cared about me. Turns out that she and I are in the middle of a rupture that has rocked my world in a very bad way.

It remains to be seen what the outcome will be. But I do know that even pre-rupture I felt safest with my first therapist, despite his no-nonsense approach. I have struggled all along to feel safe with the gentle therapist. She feels blurry to me.

I don't really remember "I love yous" from my beginnings of therapy. I know I loved ex-T. She said two things that were along the line of "I love you", but she never actually said the phrase.

L says T loves me. T has never said she loves me. She says she "cares deeply" for me. She told me she only uses the word "love" toward her family. We discussed what love means for me and what care deeply means for her, and we had very similar meanings.

I know L loves me. We say it to each other after every phone call and session. We often sign emails with "love" too. Again, we discussed the meaning for both of us. We've even discussed transference and counter-transference.

I don't think love and safety necessarily go together. My dad loved me, but he did not provide me safety. My pdoc was a safe person for me, but we didn't love each other.

It's the same with love and respect. It doesn't always equal each other. It's also like saying a certain degree makes a better therapist.

I don't know why some feel love while others don't.
Or why we have transference with one person and not another. We will probably never know. I know we try to search for answers and explanations as humans, but some things are just too complex. I think love is complex. Might be why it's scary? But I don't think it's as simple as a warm kind person equals safety and love.

Again with my pdoc, she was warm and kind, but no love there. My previous pdoc, was a tough woman. And we loved each other. So I've experienced all sides.

My only point is that love is more than personality.