L goes away too much!

I think that she should hold up her hand and admit that in taking this much vacation she isn’t giving you much consistency or continuity.

Thanks CNS. She tries to tell me her schedule based upon seasons. That why this has come up right now: she's telling me her Fall schedule. I hate it when she takes off, but most the time, I cope. This is just too much time and time without contact. I have not ever asked her to change her schedule, and I'm not going to even this time. I think I'm extra sensitive because we've been talking about my childhood neglect, and this feels like abandonment. She know I have major maternal transference with her and see her as a mother-figure. And yet when I need her to step up and be there, she's pulling back.

I think yes and no. I think (thanks to this forums) she understands the "withness" I am missing when we do virtual. But at the same time, I don't think she fully gets the emotional hardship it creates for me because I don't think it's the same for her. I think she tries to empathize, but it's just a different experience for her.

Well, T responded this morning. She told me not to withdrawal and pull away. Then L wrote me this morning her reminder email. I kind of snapped and responded.

I told her that I feel like she's abandoned little me. And that she's just resting on my promises to her. I have no promises from her to rest on and trust.

I am not doing good. I really needed her, but she's not there.

I hated it when my ex-therapist would take holidays. I hated the lack of control which I had.

In amongst all of this, there is the horrible reality that sometimes some people don't come back. I don't say this to fear-monger, but I want to acknowledge that there is legitimate fear in your child part's perception of this as abandonment, albeit she is getting the context wrong. Obviously, adult you knows that her taking a holiday is not abandonment, but adult you *also* remembers the extraordinary hurt of previous abandonments (including therapeutic abandonment which brings her holidays into sharp focus). So child fear and adult remembering have some cross over and it might be really hard to unpick those two aspects.

I am being influenced by my recent experiences, but I wanted to pause and say that some of this is rooted in reality. I know you love her and want her to be your beacon, but I wonder if this steadfastness is also what makes the nuances of the therapeutic relationship so hard to tolerate. It is awful, but we are their work regardless of how genuine and deep the relationship and feelings might be on both sides.

Of course, it all comes down to us needing to be our own beacon ... and how utterly impossible that internal validation can seem when we have had such limited experience of external validation.

Thank you Comrade. Yes, the therapeutic relationship can be so painful. We are their job, and therefore there are more boundaries. In the end, we must be there for ourselves. People always leave no matter what the circumstances might be (i.e. abandonment, distance, life, death, retirement, etc.).

And yet I feel so broken. My heart literally is breaking. I let her in to see the child side of me. The most fragile and broken and scared parts. Sacred parts even. And where is she? Now that I feel crushed by even our own relationship? She's living her life. As she should be. But it leaves me behind, suffering and waiting. Waiting for a morsel of her love and attention. For her to soothe this pain away.

In reality, she did not cause this pain. And yet she triggered it badly. My pain is from my past. Healthy me would be okay and take the time off too. But I live my life for her. She's the only one who seemed to understand me. And right now she's gone from me.

I think a lot of my pain is from childhood neglect and abandonment, but also because I just lost all my other supports. And tomorrow is a reminder of that because I'm meeting with the possible new Pdoc.

I wish I could break my promises to her.

She still hasn't responded. It's been 6 hours. I know I should be more patient. I'm just in so much pain. I have no one to reach out to. I wish I could talk to T again, but she's technically not my T anymore and I don't want to push the boundaries. I can't take another rejection. H already knows what's going on, but he's not much of a support. And I don't feel I can call the crisis line. They're usually of no help.

Hugs, Scarlet...

I’m so sorry you are hurting like this! I hope you feel better soon.

Others out here can relate to exactly what you’ve posted. Moment by moment, step by step you can endure this and surely I wish you didn’t have to. May peace come to you quickly.

Hugs, Scarlet. I hope you hear from her soon.

9 hours... I don't think she's going to respond tonight. I'm going to have to have my Pdoc appointment upset and alone.

L finally got back to me, and we did a session tonight. It took her a while to understand what was going on. She did some assuming, I did some assuming. Anyways, we're going to work out how to do her vacations. She said some I might be able to have some contact with her. I hope so.

Now I have H mad at me for having to pay for an extra session. It was definitely needed.

Thank you all for your support! It really means a lot to me to have. I wish I had more faith in my relationship with L, then I wouldn't have a panic attack when something goes wrong.

It makes sense that you're extra sensitive due to losing your other supports. Loss of any kind can be very difficult.

I feel really alone, a lot of the time ever since 2 close friends turned against me with malicious, untrue gossip. I've been much more insecure as a result. That's despite me and my T's commitment to our work, because all the losses triggers stuff from my past.

Sending care. I don't think its a lack of faith in your relationship with L. Relational triggers seem especially difficult to heal.

I'm so glad you had a session and that you and your T worked on actually communicating, not assuming. The 'faith' will come. In time. It isn't so much 'faith' I don't think as someone consistently showing up, consistently helping to form positive bonds, someone consistently helping your inner self to realise that relationships can be safe, that people can be good. That can take an awfully long time. As QM says, relational 'trauma' can be difficult to heal from, and when triggered your thinking brain isn't functioning properly, you can't rationalise with the triggered parts, sadly. If you are interested (as I'm aware that you may not be) I'm reading a very good book at the moment called "what happened to you" and it is really helping me to understand things much better. It also gives some information on why people cut, and again, that's really useful to me when the thinking brain is active and not triggered, because it helps to see some other things that may help, rather than cutting. If you want to know more, feelf ree to DM me, but I totally get it if you don't want to.

Keep communicating, it really is the key, and hopefully your triggered parts can feel a little more settled now that you have had that exchange with L. Take care.

Scarlet, I'm glad she got back to you and that you were able to talk things through. I hope you're able to figure out some sort of compromise on vacations.


And I'm sorry your H was mad at you--sounds like you definitely needed the session.

L says trauma is within your nervous system and sometimes you can feel it all the way inside your bones. When triggered, you go outside your window of tolerance and you either freeze or get activated (fight/flight).

It's so hard when she accidentally triggers me. She's my main source of support. I panic and feel like my world has shattered, literally. I feel bad because I've been with her for over 3 years now and this is still happening.

I've been with my T for quire a long while (180 sessions or so) and I still struggle when my T accidentally triggers me. Had 1 at the session before our latest session.

It's not "bad" that it's still happening, Scarlet. Triggers are information about what needs healing. Trauma changes our neurobiology, and therefore triggers are really hard to heal as your brain is doing its best to protect you.

Trauma and the bears – a fable | Carolyn Spring

Wow, what a fantastic read QM. Thank you.

Thanks QM! I'll definitely be reading that fable you linked.

I also found this article: 5 Ways You May Have Experienced Emotional Neglect | Psychology Today It's been helping L and I put words to and describe the different types of childhood traumas.

I feel you.. mine doesn’t take vacation in the middle of the year but just for Christmas (2 weeks) and maybe one week on Easter.. but summer holidays well, she’s away for almost two whole months. Imagine how it is to say bye at the beginning of July and see each other again in September. At least she will not interrupt sessions through the year, summer is hard though, especially now we have’t left on a very good note. But after a while I feel better and almost don’t want to go back (maybe a tantrum, I don’t know lol).
Hang in there and try to reassure the inner child that there’s no abandonment.

Cool article! I think I've her book... I'm going to have to re-read it. I feel like emotional neglect caused this emptiness in me, that I find difficult to soothe despite lots of self compassion, self nurturing as well as behavioural strategies. I suppose it can be soothed with connection, but then, sometimes I don't want to try again, ever since the last major betrayal I experienced.