[LostOnTheTrail]

Hi all,

I've been counting down the days to this morning's session. It's now passed, and I'm struggling with feeling like I didn't say what I needed to.

I feel like I've spent so much time grieving that I should have a handle on it. I spent today's session trying to find the words to explain the latest loss and my process around it. Because I only found out about it on Saturday, and my friend's service was yesterday, I don't think I've had much chance to process the experience.

What I wanted to say was 'It's utterly unbelievable that I'm grieving again, when I've not really got through the last loss...'

I ended up sharing a number of anecdotes about my friend and my experiences with him, which didn't really give R much insight into my current emotional experience.

Following next week's session, she's taking two weeks off.

I've somehow given her the impression that I'm managing, when in reality it's another loss on top of everything else.

How do you manage if you feel like you've not been able to say what you needed to say in a session?

I have the option to email, but I'm not sure that I actually have the right words. The end of today's session was weird too, because we were finishing our breathing exercises when I noticed that a bee had fallen down the chimney.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated,

Lost

[Lostislost]

I hate it when it feels like a wasted session! It's usually because I'm having a hard time connecting with T or myself because I'm overwhelmed. Does that happen to you? I went to a family funeral on Monday then therapy that evening and I found it hard to connect with him.

I also thought about emailing but decided against it. I think the bee down the chimney is interesting, what did it make you feel like?

[LostOnTheTrail]

Hi,

What you said about it being harder to connect to T or yourself when overwhelmed really resonated. Thank you.

I think I'm having a hard time waiting for this latest loss to sink in. I hadn't seen him for ages, but it's the fact that I will never see him again that I'm wrestling with.

My first response to the bee was 'What the hell was that?', which confused and concerned R. Turns out she's not a fan of bees, so that was a tricky end to the session, although we were both laughing by the time she left.

It was just another 'What now?' moment.

[Just42dayK]

I’m sorry for the loss of your friend and you recent losses.

It’s so hard when there is so much going on that little or not enough is said. I have felt like that for a long while during particularly painful times.

What’s helped me is to remind myself that I don’t have to manage the whole week, day or even hour right now. I’d ask myself if I could handle the very moment I was in. Then step by step, hour by hour slowly I managed the very thing I wondered how in the world would I ever survive. It’s so challenging. Maybe even if you didn’t say all you needed to you can take it moment by moment until your next opportunity.

[LonesomeTonight]

Hi Lost,
I've experienced this as well, the feeling of having wasted a session, and it sucks. It's happened a couple times when I've been "counting down the days" as well. I think for me, in those cases, it's almost like I'm putting too much pressure on myself for the session. Or maybe just pressure on the session itself, if that makes sense. Like, "I just need to be able to talk to T in order to feel better." And then maybe we end up down some other path, I look at the clock, and suddenly we only have 20 minutes left. Then I sort of panic and am trying to address stuff quickly, and it doesn't go as I'd hoped.

Or it might just be that, for whatever reason, T and I just aren't connecting. Maybe he seems less engaged and/or less empathetic than usual. Or he doesn't react to something the way I'd thought or hoped he would. So that leads me to pull back more.

There have also been times where I've wanted to talk about something (such as something within the therapeutic relationship or something that induces shame, for example), but been afraid to, so I've held back. That sounds sort of like what you were experiencing here--where you were afraid to really talk about the grief.

I've sent emails before about it or scheduled an earlier or extra session--would an extra session be at all possible for you? I don't know what you or your T's schedules are like or what her policy is for that. It's nearly the end of this week, but, depending on her schedule next week, would it be possible to see her, say, Monday along with your usual Thursday session? If not, maybe an email would help?

I think two things you said in this post would be good for an email (even if you just said those, with nothing else): "What I wanted to say was 'It's utterly unbelievable that I'm grieving again, when I've not really got through the last loss...'" and " I've somehow given [you] the impression that I'm managing, when in reality it's another loss on top of everything else."

And I'm very sorry for the loss of your friend. Hugs, if wanted.
--LT

[LostOnTheTrail]

Thanks, LT.

I appreciate your message.
I don't think an extra session would be feasible, but maybe I'll find the words for an email.

Thanks for the hugs. Fear of big feelings is not unusual for me at all, and that was probably on her radar as well.

I signalled that I was struggling ('Am I glad to see you!' as she crossed the threshold...) but I don't think I communicated what I needed...not that I really know right now.

I'd made space this week to have a conversation about what my support system currently looks like, and then I found myself having to abandon that to talk about this.

It felt odd to even attempt to gloss over it, so that was the session we ended up having...but I feel I should have processed a bit more before talking about it with her.

But this is therapy, so that's stupid....

[LostOnTheTrail]

Thanks, Just42dayK,

'I don’t have to manage the whole week, day or even hour right now.'

Great advice.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Here’s the thing about grief: I have learned that I just have to sit with it.

I lost my husband after a very long and traumatic hospitalization for Covid. It has been almost 15 months since he passed, and while the initial intensity of loss has subsided, the grief is still very much there and ever changing.

What has gotten me through this grief were the wise words of my therapist years ago when my sister died. He reminded me that grief is normal and human and takes time; it is not pathological. I was so used to depression and anxiety being a mental health crisis for me over the years, that I assumed my intense grief was another pathology and I feared it and wanted to “fix” it before it got out of hand. He was so reassuring in telling me that my intense feelings of grief were not abnormal, were not pathological, and they just needed to be what they were.

When my husband died, that advice came back to me, and I have taken the approach of being mindful of my grief journey rather than trying to stop it or fix it, or even to process it as if it needs some sort of analysis.

I try to just honor my grief for what it is. Some days it is deep sadness. So I let myself be sad without judgment and without picking it apart. Of course I am sad; it is to be expected. Other days I am angry. So I acknowledge my anger without judgment and without analysis. Of course I am angry. Some days the aloneness is unbearable. It’s an understandable response to my loss, so I sit with it a while without judgment or analysis.

And each form of grief I experience comes and goes, and comes and goes, like waves. But like standing in waves for a while, I learn over time how to keep my footing simply by being still and observant and listening to each wave instead of fearing it or fighting it.

I have learned to acknowledge, respect, and trust that my grief is what it is and will evolve on its own at its own pace. I don’t have to fear it. I don’t have to stop it. I don’t have to hide it. I don’t have to fix it. I can honor it with patience and by quietly sitting and listening to what it tells me about a relationship lost and the great blessings of those decades of memory.

So, perhaps trust that you just weren’t in a place to talk about it the other day. It’s okay to sit with the grief until you are ready to talk, or even to just let it quietly work its way through on its own over time.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

Hi all,

I've been counting down the days to this morning's session. It's now passed, and I'm struggling with feeling like I didn't say what I needed to.

I feel like I've spent so much time grieving that I should have a handle on it. I spent today's session trying to find the words to explain the latest loss and my process around it. Because I only found out about it on Saturday, and my friend's service was yesterday, I don't think I've had much chance to process the experience.

What I wanted to say was 'It's utterly unbelievable that I'm grieving again, when I've not really got through the last loss...'

I ended up sharing a number of anecdotes about my friend and my experiences with him, which didn't really give R much insight into my current emotional experience.

Following next week's session, she's taking two weeks off.

I've somehow given her the impression that I'm managing, when in reality it's another loss on top of everything else.

How do you manage if you feel like you've not been able to say what you needed to say in a session?

I have the option to email, but I'm not sure that I actually have the right words. The end of today's session was weird too, because we were finishing our breathing exercises when I noticed that a bee had fallen down the chimney.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated,

Lost

Hi Lost,

Firstly, Hugs my friend. You've been going through a lot. And your strength and resilience are not unseen. But that doesn't mean that you have to feel that you are strong or resilient, it's just what I see in you.

I was struck when you said you have spent so much time grieving that you feel like you should have a handle on it. I thought Artley did a good job posting about this, but I will add my two cents for what it is worth....grief comes in waves (for me anyway) and it lasts as long as it lasts. It's very much so human to grieve, and there is no timeline that you have to fit into. I sort of picked up by your words that you are being hard on yourself here, in this instance. It's not like we come out of the womb knowing how to grieve. With each person we lose, it's different, and it affects us differently, and our responses will be different. Maybe you could rephrase that sentence to be kinder towards yourself a bit and more understanding of yourself? Just a thought, feel free to discard.

You certainly haven't had much time to process this new loss. Maybe you are still in a sort of "shock" about it. It's hard to process something in that state of being.

I feel for you, my friend. It is unbelievable that you have suffered another loss when the first loss has not been completely healed from. HUGS. I hope you can find some self compassion in that statement.

If you want, I think an email is a good idea. Even if it doesn't make complete sense, I think it is important to tell your T that you aren't managing as well as you would like to be. Especially if T is going to be gone for a couple of weeks. Maybe T will have some ideas for backup or exercises to do or resources to reach out for. Or maybe T could schedule you for a phone call if a session isn't possible? Just a thought.

I'm so sorry you are hurting right now. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and help you hold the grief.

HUGS, my friend, HUGS. Kit

[LostOnTheTrail]

Thanks, Kit.

You're right - it's not like we come out of the womb knowing how to grieve.
I guess we never fully heal from loss, but rather integrate it.

I feel hugged by you.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Just to say that I've had that experience of feeling I've wasted a session by not saying what I really want to say SO many times. It's very upsetting and frustrating. I've also found it's when I'm particularly overwhelmed by emotional pain and tend to go into default mode of being 'fine' or even randomly talkative, when deep down I'm in agony. Then I walk away from the session feeling devastated that I didn't share my true feelings with her. It's hard.

My way of dealing with it is to reach out to T before the next session and tell her. She lets me record audios...I've lost count of the number of times I've been fine in session but sobbed my heart out just hours later in a voice message...but then I don't express emotions in person easily.

I know this is hard. I don't know your personal circumstances so can't offer much on grief, albeit I understand my version of the intense pain it brings. I just know how it can feel to be left with wanting something from a session that you didn't get. Can you tell T what you wish you'd said? Would that help?

Thinking of you.

[Favorite Jeans]

I have had the wasted session experience and I hate it too!

I’m really sorry about your friend. Are you friends with anyone else who loved him? Can you write anything about your feelings about him to his family? Can you lean on anyone else in your life?

My main thought is always to try to de-center the therapist whenever possible. Fresh grief seems like it could be good time to do that for a few reasons. There is often a kind of bonding that happens after a death. If you don’t have access to other people who cared about the deceased, grieving a death is still a highly relatable, non-shameful, non-pathological, normal lifecycle event even when it’s tragic. So it’s something you could discuss with a friend, relative or even a work colleague that you like.

I wish you comfort whatever you decide to do.

[Ambra]

sorry for this. I know what it feels like to have the impression of a waisted session, I think sometimes we tend to talk about secondary things when the major things are too much and to talk about in that moment, even if prior to the session it doesn’t feel so.
I have found out that writing can help. I writeu after a “waisted” session on a heavy one, whenever I feel i have not said everything, and prepare a sheet with my topics for the next session. I always do that now, because I also tend to forget what I wanted to talk about out of panic. Hope you find it helpful.

[*Beth*]

This is such a powerful thread, with many profound insights and experiences shared.

I want to ask something that has nothing to do with your OP, so forgive me, Lost.

I noticed the quote from Steve Earle in your sig and I wonder - have you read his novel I'll Never Get Out of This World Alive? The first time I read it was many years ago and it became one of my favorite novels.

[MuddyBoots]

I know that feeling a little too well. More "wasted sessions" than not (as in, maybe a couple times a year I *didn't* feel that way?). That's why I quit all individual therapy. If it's just every now and then bring it up the next session if nothing else more pressing comes up and see if you can come up with a plan of what to do or at least feel as though you are making progress in the grand scheme of things. And if you're not, well, maybe it's time for a different approach.

[AliceKate]

Wasting a session every couple of months is not a problem. I would accept it and let it go.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Originally Posted by *Beth*

This is such a powerful thread, with many profound insights and experiences shared.

I want to ask something that has nothing to do with your OP, so forgive me, Lost.

I noticed the quote from Steve Earle in your sig and I wonder - have you read his novel I'll Never Get Out of This World Alive? The first time I read it was many years ago and it became one of my favorite novels.

Thanks, Beth.

I haven't read his book. I'll put it on my list!