Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

What I remember from today's session makes me feel very misunderstood. This depression is not just because of what parents and sibling did and said. Its much more then that. I thought you understood that. Its hopeless....I want to quit therapy, meds, ....everything cause I just don't care any more.

I can't e mail because if you don't reply, that would destroy me. There's nothing for me to do.... I want out.

again my soul is screaming in silence "why is it always me that has to change?" I know, I know, I get it, I get it, cuz the universe continues to answer back "Because, my dear, you are the only one you can change."

But dammit, that is annoying as hell. I suppose I need to also work on shifting the way I look at that answer, don't I, and let it make me feel powerful over myself huh.

You were wrong by the way, about a few things. I suppose that's okay though, neither of us is perfect and all that jazz.

I just wish I didn't miss you so darn much still. Maybe I need a break from these forums again. Like if I'm not constantly reading about therapy-related stuff maybe the missing you will start to fade.

Ha, yeah right.

I still have so much work to do. I know this. I need to find a new t. I wish I'd asked you for referrals. I guess I was too worried about hurting your feelings by leaving in the first place to let you know I still needed to work with someone, just couldn't with you anymore. I don't want to work today. I need a mental health day so much at the moment but oh well. I am off tomorrow so that will have to do. Then I have to be on phones 3 ****ing days next week - that is just gross. I'm so burnt out at work too. Now I know why people retire early. At 60 I am definitely "too old for this ****".

I'm scared that I'm falling back into a depression over this crap with h and all the overtime at work between my normal job, phones, chat, etc. It's too much. I can't do it and stay any semblance of "normal" whatever the **** that is.

I have never once called in sick in January (for myself, I did when H was in the hospital with sepsis in 2018 but that was because for a couple days he was dangerously sick) but I am on the verge of doing it today. I don't want to do any of this anymore. I think I need a complete life overhaul, that 'turning my whole life upside down' is actually starting to look like a viable option. See, this is why I need to be in therapy again.

Thank you for your endless patience with me.
I know I can only do this at the pace that I'm doing it, but it's disconcerting.

Dear T: Maybe we should just wait until my regularly scheduled appointment next week. I don't know that I want to mess up my Saturday plans (even though my plan is cleaning) but once I am done doing that I don't know that I am going to have energy for cleaning. I don't know what to do. HUG Kit

Today is the 11th month of my sweet boy (cat).escaping. I miss him SO much, and can’t believe it’s almost been a year. Tomorrow will probably be me crying for an hour

Oh dear T,

Is it time for a truly heartfelt letter? I had been avoiding this I think. Today helped me to see how much I have truly been avoiding opening up to you. For a hundred different reasons it feels. Some by choice, maybe, some not. But it feels like it might be time for us to turn our attention towards this weird relationship. God it still feels so wrong saying that. It feels so wrong that I might need to have a relationship with you. Why can't I just do this without it? Why can't I just do this by pretending you aren't actually there?

Do I honestly think I can? No. No I don't. And I hate that.

Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap...

Dear T,
Thank you for seeing me today. I feel better we talked about how the last year has been for me and our relationship. Thank you for offering to phone me in two weeks when you are away and can't see me.

It was also good to see you again after a 5 week break.

I am now entering wordless space.
I don't know how to proceed following the conversation we had in the most recent session.

If I'm going to try and ignore the ache 167 hours a week, I need you to help me be brave enough to acknowledge it for the hour that we are in the same room.

I feel weird. Like my anxiety and agoraphobia and paranoia are so much better and I'm getting out of the house everyday. But this food stuff sucks and I feel kinda woozy even when I do eat. I've wondered if I'm possibly getting covid or something since I just feel so weird.

I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing that I won't see you for a week and a half after Tuesday. With what I plan to bring it could be either...

I'm especially grateful tonight for the little stone owl that you gave me that one day. After reading through some old after-session notes, I'm feeling all mushy about you again. And because I'm also drinking wine, I don't even care. I loved you then, I love you now, and it seems that I always will.

Dear T,
Miss you already... I do wish you'd at least have said if you were flying or driving or...something else. You seemed to give me a look when I asked the question, when you seemed willing to share the last few times at least your mode of travel. I mean, if you're flying, you could be going to one of like 1,000 places, so it's not like I'd have any idea where... I wish we had the sort of relationship where you could just send me an email like "Arrived safely."

I really do hope you feel better soon. It's difficult because if this were a normal week, I'd be seeing you Monday, so would know if you were feeling better then. But I feel weird emailing you, say, Monday asking how you're doing. Like, I'd rather try to hold out as long as I can. And I see third-string T Monday and Wednesday. Maybe I can at least try to make it through then? Though, like I said, I'd rather not be like, "I'm going to try not to email," because then if I do, I've failed. I want to think: "If I email you, that's OK." You said you trust that I'll try other things first, how I've been doing that lately, which was good to hear that you'd recognized.

Also, it helped that you said how being "just LT" should be enough for people. That I don't need to be giving them some other thing (well, I guess I have to give you money!)

Feel better and safe travels.
Love you,
LT

it's so weird, this therapeutic relationship, that somehow continues in my heart even though we aren't meeting anymore.

it's allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll your fault you know

no it's not

i'm the ****ed up one

would you agree to see me if i call
or would you throw up a protective wall
to seal yourself in safety behind
pretending we were never entwined?
this stupid ****ing relationship
something for which I was never equipped
that's left me feeling lost and alone
and where that sends me is still unknown.
wanting to see you yet also afraid
that I'd just set off some hidden grenade