Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I think you are kind of happy that I switched to remote since I'm your first client so that means you can go into the office later. You did seem to care though.

crap.

Just,

crap.

I'm really really really struggling to explain what is going on for me right now. I know what it is, and I think I understand it, I just can't seem to find the right language to explain it to you, and that is incredibly frustrating for me.

I don't feel good but its not anxiety so I don't want to cancel. I'm just trying everything I can to be somewhat functional in an hour.

Dear T,
Thanks for being supportive and caring today. It's what I needed.

I do want to talk to you more about pushing, how maybe we can sort of agree when it's time, that I can signal you in some way. Or that you can check in, like, "Is this level of pushing OK?" And then being good with stepping back if I want that.

Part of me wishes I was seeing you on my birthday, and I thought briefly about asking if you had any availability tomorrow, to do instead of Wednesday. But maybe it's better if I just let things marinate between now and then. (I mean, assuming I don't totally fall apart tonight or early tomorrow morning.)

Oh, and I've made what I consider to be two good choices so far since session--one not doing something and the other doing something, going to the grocery store so H won't have to tomorrow (though I forgot something so I guess he will anyway, but it will be a much shorter trip). I guess I made some healthy options at the grocery store, too (the bag of chips sitting next to me doesn't count!)

Love,
LT

Thanks for your scheduling email.

Again, it's less about the TV show than my reaction to it.
I was already in a difficult space, and the programme intensified that to an impossible degree.

As I live into the reality of Steve being dead, and having died in the way that he did...it gets harder to live with.

Provided nothing untoward happens in the next 12 hours, I will be seeing you in person for only the 2nd time since we started working together just over a year ago.

I hope my mood remains stable enough to feel up to doing the trip. If I don't feel as though I can keep myself safe, then I will have to switch to remote, but I really need this few hours away from the house. I haven’t been anywhere since I last saw you 6 weeks ago.

Not sure exactly what to focus on tomorrow. I know we were reserving the f2f sessions for the blue elephant stuff... But with the way things have been, maybe we need to address the pink elephant stuff instead? Or as well as, but I don't think we'll have enough time for both.

What I don't want, is to come away from the session feeling as though I didn't make the best use of the time, and then have to stew for another 6 weeks until we can possibly meet again.

Half of me is worrying how much longer I'm going to be able to keep paying for these sessions for, and the other half is thinking I should be saving this money now. But it's not like I spend any money on much else in my life and I see it as an investment in my mental health, so that's how I justify it.

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Can I come camp out in your yard tonight?

That's only partially a ha ha ha.

Ok, so I decided that if words won't work, maybe a diagram will help. It does have words, but it's so much easier than writing an actual passage. And writing a passage is so much easier than talking. Seriously, how do people talk in therapy? I just don't get it. I can barely string a sentence together it seems. So yeah, anyway, I think I have found a way, and it makes total sense to me now, I just hope that you get it.

thank you again so much for letting me take pictures of the diagram you drew and the cards. they were both helpful when I was doing some further work with that stuff yesterday.

Seeking support entails finding the words.

When I am in mental pain, I push people away.

I desperately need the space to figure it out on my own, or with you...or some other rare being who gets it...

This **** really ****ing hurts.

I find it interesting that you think we are just ok the cusp of being able to work with some of the difficult stuff, and I am just on the cusp of saying thanks for everything, but I really don't think this is going to work.

I shouldn't be surprised really I suppose. Like one of those crime writers, the format of this is completely the same as before, just with different characters and content. I'm not sure whether I'm happy about that or not!! At least I know what to expect I guess, I'd just hoped we could skip to the 'good bits' without all this groundwork, but apparently I have other ideas.

I feel like I should come with a warning label. Warning - highly likely to be a pain in the a**e. I did give you that warning at the beginning. I wonder if you believed me.

L, there's sooooo many ways in which I am 'on the wrong path' right now - the dream could have been about any one of them, or ALL of them. Maybe - ooh - maybe it started out as just one (when the mode of transportation was a bus) but then became about all of them (after the bus turned into a train). There remains a lot of work to be done with this dream and I am continuing it. Like you said, psyche has been activated again - and she's not letting up, either. She was in hibernation there for a good while but no more. She's awake and she's hungry.

it would be nice if i could coax my dream-maker into a continuation of that dream - do i stay on the train or not - I guess that's asking for a future projection and I ain't no psychic. Meh.

I wonder what my life would look like right now if I had left h when I had the golden opportunity to do so back in 2019 shortly before the stupid pandemic appeared.....? Is there even any sense in wondering now, almost 4 years later?!

You said "don't ever feel bad about switching to remote. Its perfectly ok."

Yeah because then you don't have to go into the office and can do the session from your house.

The shade of it all.

Well now, that was weird. Did I laugh and have an actual human-to-human conversation with you? Smalltalk, even? Did you tell me that story before? It seems vaguely familiar. This was a really pleasent session. And that is so absolutely weird, I have like a thousand questions.

Seriously, why is this so damn difficult. I really, really, really didn't want this to be about the relationship, again. I really hoped that we could skip this chapter. I hate the push/pull phase. I hate it. I wish I could just get on with it. I wish that this wasn't coming up. But it is. We are here. Do I ignore it? Try and work around it? Or do we try and work with it.

Sometimes I wish you wouldn't say anything, you know, because right now it seems that you just can't say the right things. It feels like there is something going on, at your end, and I wish you could deal with it please. I think that you are scared that I want more from you than you can/will provide. I think, in some wat, that you are scared of me. I could be making it all up, but I really don't think that I am. I feel it. I sense it. I can hear it in your voice and how quickly you jumped to defending what you said. I hear it in your words, not just today but over the last few weeks I think.

I do hope that we can get through this bit quickly, but I need you to be less defensive. I need you to be more reassuring and more gentle. Just for now. Just while we navigate this hurdle. Please. I don't need challenging right now. I don't need science right now.

Oh, and how you can possibly think that I feel a connection with you as I have my back to you, terrified of you, trying to think of a way I can make myself disappear is beyond me. What planet are you on? You may feel a connection, but I sure as hell don't.

Having been looking forward to this session for nearly 8 weeks, it was a real bummer. Totally my fault and nothing to do with you, but it felt like a wasted opportunity. Now it will be at least another 6 weeks before I can see you again in person.

That's if I have the courage to try it again. I may just decide to stick with online and have done with it. I can't be doing with having a panic attack en route and arriving late and in a hyper emotional state.

It was very good of you to still give me the extended time. I didn't expect that so thank you.

I may have to go back to emailing beforehand though, so we have something to focus on. It all felt very disjointed today. I was unprepared.

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Dear t,
I got angry again today towards the new other therapist. I know it's not her and I hope when I have to see her in 2 weeks I can explain why im feeling very tearful and angry when I see her. I just am scared that she will not allow me to continue day program. Thank you for understanding.

Dear T,

I feel like I'm being put through a mangle. It's really really hard. I don't know whether to quit or carry on.

there's something i'd like to ask you, i wonder if i seemed any different to you on friday when we talked. i felt quite different from the me I was over a year ago, i don't know if you would have noticed though.

Maybe you should be reading this book you gave me. I haven't even made it past the introduction tonight and it already explains what I've been trying to explain to you. Right brain connection. You respond with challenging words and explanations and yet all I want is for you to see my pain and be with me as I learn how to feel it in the room. How is that so hard to understand?

Dear T,
Struggling a bit. Not sure why. I'm also telling myself that my actual birthday isn't for another 2 hours (my birth time), so it's all OK. I want to ask you to continue with the gentle, supportive thing tomorrow, as I think I still need it. Hoping you'll be OK with that...
Love,
LT

Oh, and by the way, YOU were the one that brought touch up. Not me. So how can you sit there and say that your statement of "maybe what you want isn't what you need" was because we were discussing touch. F*** you. Something is going on with you and you need to sort it out, sooner rather than later. Maybe we need a break. To hit pause.