Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

ArtieTheSequal · Jan 13, 2023 at 11:06 PM

i'm so ****ing gosh darn broken

ArtieTheSequal · Jan 13, 2023 at 11:11 PM

.............................................................................

Lostislost · Jan 14, 2023 at 02:56 AM

I don't have anything fun to share with you. I haven't made any art in a long time, I'm too tired to do anything. So I guess I don't deserve any attention. My anxiety is really bad (it's worse than bad, but you know me I like to pretend or I cannot cope!)

LonesomeTonight · Jan 14, 2023 at 06:20 AM

Dear T,
Well, that was a really messed-up dream I had...Wish I could talk to you about it. Usually when people who have passed show up in my dreams, it's more positive, or they're just sort of there, in the background. They don't generally do something to hurt me. But I feel maybe this dream was set in the past? Especially with the lack of H and D. I hope this doesn't suggest some sort of repressed memory. My family just carrying on with things like it was no big deal when I tried to explain what happened is also unsettling. Plus, if the dream were taking place in the present, I think I'd be reaching out to you immediately.

I hope you are feeling better today and travel safely, if today's the day you're traveling. Miss you already. Nine days to go...

Love,
LT

Mountaindewed · 11:36 AM

I chugged a soda so fast this morning to avoid being hungry that I threw up a bit by accident on my shirt. This isn't the first time I've drank so fast to avoid food that I've ended up throwing up. I don't know what you would say. I've had coffee today to avoid being hungry too and my stomach for sure feels off.

Then my mom comes home and asks if I'm feeling ok because she puked while she was at Sams Club. So now I have no idea why my stomach is off. If its the ED or something else.

ArtieTheSequal · Jan 14, 2023 at 11:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

would you agree to see me if i call
or would you throw up a protective wall
to seal yourself in safety behind
pretending we were never entwined?
this stupid ****ing relationship
something for which I was never equipped
that's left me feeling lost and alone
and where that sends me is still unknown.
wanting to see you yet also afraid
that I'd just set off some hidden grenade

me and my overly dramatic bs, i swear to goodness

ArtieTheSequal · Jan 14, 2023 at 12:17 PM

at least i can laugh at myself that's something anyway, right?

AliceKate · Jan 14, 2023 at 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

me and my overly dramatic bs, i swear to goodness

It's a beautiful poem Artie.

ArtieTheSequal · Jan 14, 2023 at 04:10 PM

Thanks, AliceKate. I was a bit of a mess last night. Feeling better today though.

LostOnTheTrail · Jan 15, 2023 at 03:43 AM

Now I'm in it, it feels like the last 11 instances of January 15th.

I was hopeful that this year would be different, but it grates in all the same ways.

Mountaindewed · Jan 15, 2023 at 07:13 AM

I only ate 2 pieces of bread for dinner last night. But I wasn't feeling good and my mom wasn't either. So shut it about food. She only wanted potato chips all night. I'm still mainly wanting just bread today even though I don't feel as bad.

LonesomeTonight · Jan 15, 2023 at 08:35 AM

Dear T,
One of the weird things about the T-client relationship is that with, say, a friend--even a pretty distant Facebook friend where we just occasionally comment on each other's posts--I could message or post (depending on the relationship) and say, "Hope you're feeling better! Were you still able to go on your trip?" But I feel like it would be weird if I did that with you (and it's not like you'd reach out to me in the reverse situation either).

I imagine you'd be fine with it if I emailed something like that and would understand, especially after the discussions of the past month. (Maybe you're even expecting me to?) But I'm also trying to resist doing that, at least for a bit. And I see K tomorrow. Maybe I could just talk to her a bit about how it's difficult. Wish I was seeing R, as she knows me and my relationship with you. Though maybe it will be helpful to get a different perspective on things.

Miss you--8 days to go.

Love,
LT

LostOnTheTrail · Jan 15, 2023 at 11:43 AM

Working on an outline to a deadline during Anniversary Season feels a lot like being in a pinball machine.

Why on earth did I think that was a good idea?

ArtieTheSequal · Jan 15, 2023 at 11:49 AM

Hey L. So, while working this morning I pulled up the online church service for my home church back in MO (I sometimes listen to it while I'm working) and this morning the pastor almost had me in tears during his sermon; he kept saying, over and over again, with increasing intensity, "God SEES you." And you know, that's what I miss about therapy - is the feeling of being SEEN. I feel invisible at home, with most of my family, at work, etc. The only IRL place I feel seen now is with the drumming group, but I used to feel the most seen of all sitting across from you in your office. I miss that feeling.

(Although I think I kinda MADE h see me the other day when I yelled at him and stormed out of the doctor's office during his med study check in.

)

ArtieTheSequal · Jan 15, 2023 at 04:51 PM

...actually i didn't yell. he yelled at me, but i did not yell back - i just cussed at him in normal speaking voice and left. And accidentally slammed the door.

Calla lily12 · Jan 15, 2023 at 11:14 PM

T I can't wait till Wednesday. I need your support now. I'm hopeless and I hate myself. I disgust everyone.

Echos Myron redux · Jan 16, 2023 at 04:25 PM

Not this ****ing merry-go-round again.

Mountaindewed · Jan 16, 2023 at 04:39 PM

Thats nice of you to bring a cupcake for my birthday in a couple weeks. I've never had a therapist do anything like that since I guess they considered it crossing boundaries. To be honest, I've been craving a cupcake. It was also nice of you to ask if I'd be ok with it or if it would make me too anxious because of my food anxiety.

LonesomeTonight · Jan 16, 2023 at 05:27 PM

Dear T,

I wish I could talk to you right now. Session with K was a bit overwhelming, starting with turning into the parking lot. I'll probably end up emailing you, which is rather early in your vacation, but I think you'll understand. Or maybe I'll just type it up and decide later whether to send it. I'm really on the fence on whether to meet with her Wednesday, so maybe there's this part of me that would feel better if you were like, "Hey, it's OK to not meet with her." I just feel bad if I cancel, even though she said it was OK. I hate that I only have till 10 am tomorrow to figure that out. I guess I just expected her to be different or something. I don't know.

I miss you...
Love,
LT

Waterbear · Jan 16, 2023 at 07:18 PM

I'm curious as to what you will make of the fact that I didn't manage to finish my post session write up last week. That's the first time ever since we started. I'm curious as to what I make of it.

I think I just got overwhelmed, and confused, and the feelings got too real? Too muddled? I didn't want to write about what I was writing about anymore, and I didn't know what else to do other than stop.

Why am I so resistant to talk about the relationship?

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

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ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,239 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,775 hugs given	Jan 13, 2023 at 11:06 PM #561 i'm so ****ing gosh darn broken

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,239 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,775 hugs given	Jan 13, 2023 at 11:11 PM #562 .............................................................................

Lostislost Veteran Member Member Since May 2020 Location: Uk Posts: 557 3 890 hugs given	Jan 14, 2023 at 02:56 AM #563 I don't have anything fun to share with you. I haven't made any art in a long time, I'm too tired to do anything. So I guess I don't deserve any attention. My anxiety is really bad (it's worse than bad, but you know me I like to pretend or I cannot cope!)

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,239 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,775 hugs given	Jan 14, 2023 at 12:17 PM #567 at least i can laugh at myself that's something anyway, right?

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,239 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,775 hugs given	Jan 14, 2023 at 04:10 PM #569 Thanks, AliceKate. I was a bit of a mess last night. Feeling better today though.

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,231 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,783 hugs given	Jan 15, 2023 at 07:13 AM #571 I only ate 2 pieces of bread for dinner last night. But I wasn't feeling good and my mom wasn't either. So shut it about food. She only wanted potato chips all night. I'm still mainly wanting just bread today even though I don't feel as bad. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,239 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,775 hugs given	Jan 15, 2023 at 04:51 PM #575 ...actually i didn't yell. he yelled at me, but i did not yell back - i just cussed at him in normal speaking voice and left. And accidentally slammed the door.

Calla lily12 Grand Member Member Since Jul 2018 Location: a place far away Posts: 830 5 979 hugs given	Jan 15, 2023 at 11:14 PM #576 T I can't wait till Wednesday. I need your support now. I'm hopeless and I hate myself. I disgust everyone. __________________ Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always....

Echos Myron redux Magnate Member Since Apr 2018 Location: UK Posts: 2,161 6 1,834 hugs given	Jan 16, 2023 at 04:25 PM #577 Not this ****ing merry-go-round again.