Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Our session felt very disjointed, I was unprepared. Totally my fault. I arrived late and stressed out, and wasn't in a good place generally. I think maybe the benefit of having an in person session is outweighed by the mental stress it causes. I will have to think seriously whether I will do it again or not.

I'm not sure I want to keep doing this. It used to be a salvation in an otherwise shite week, but now I have to mentally steel myself before each session. Therapy shouldn't be this hard should it? Or maybe I'm just avoiding. We're getting near to the really difficult stuff and my brain is trying to protect me by telling me I don't want to go there.

Something we should probably discuss, but not sure I have the mental resources to do it.

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Dear T,

I think myself is trying to tell myself something. I had anither dream tonight, about K this time. She just held me. For the longest time. Just held me. No words necessary. I needed that, even if it was just a dream. Having experienced it, I can remember it, I can hold onto it.

lastnight I dreamed about being in college trying to do homework and I can't find my textbook and I also can't log onto work and I screamed irl apparently, h told me this morning but he could not wake me up but that I only screamed once. For some reason, the first thing that popped into my head when I wrote the dream in my notebook is that I am projecting my insecurities all over the damn place again. Not sure how that relates to the dream, but likely true nevertheless. I have SO much work left to do...

Some 18 hours since last therapy session, and still feeling the after-effects. Hyper-alert, can't settle, constantly wired. Internal feeling of needing to do something, but not having the actual energy to do anything. Hardly any sleep. Weird, disturbed dreams. More questions than answers.
Do I find the courage to email you with my questions and brain-dump now, or wait until nearer next week's session? I am trying to hold off making contact for as long as possible, but next week seems an age away, and there is no guarantee you will reply anyway, unless I specifically ask for it (and I never have asked for a response in all the time we've been working together).

We have another 5 sessions left in this batch. Once again my mind is turning towards the question of whether or not I continue with you. I'm not even planning on contacting ex-ex-T at this moment in time. Right now I'm considering whether I just need a break from therapy. I know once I take that break though, that I will find it impossible to return to our work together and will either end up existing without therapy at all, or will just look for someone new, despite the downsides of beginning again.... and that is both putting me off searching for another T and from bringing things to a close with you.

Am thinking I need clarification from you on where you think we are on the therapy journey. Some weeks I feel as though you think we’ve got loads of work still to do, and other weeks it feels as though you think we’re nearly done. So I am somewhat confused as I can’t get a sense of where you think we’re at.

Dear T: thanks for being there last night in session and today by text. You're amazing. Love Kit

Dear T,

I have options, I know that, but none of them seem great right now. 1) I don't come. Pros.... I keep control. I keep me safe. Cons.... Hmmmm, I can't think of any. I guess the only con would be that it could make it harder to come back if ever I decided to. 2) I come and don't say anything. Pros... I keep control. Cons.... I will get frustrated at how much it is costing me. 3) I come and we continue to have this really difficult conversation. Pros... I am continuing to try and do the work that I want to do. Cons... I am not in control. You are highly likely to say or do the wrong thing. I am highly likely to leave the session feeling worse than I arrived.

Maybe that wasn't a useful exercise, because looking at it like that, my best option is not to come!

Dear T,
It occurs to me that what I *should* have said in that email was "I felt supported and cared for" not "You were supportive and caring." Ah well, I can just tell you that tomorrow.

I was also thinking how it felt like we were collaborating to figure out the goals stuff (and how I talk myself out of them). The times when you "push" that bother me, it feels like it's all you doing the pushing, that we aren't working together, that you aren't realizing that I'm not in a space to be pushed right then (or at least a space to be pushed on that particular topic or thing).

I imagine you wouldn't see yesterday as "pushing," but it also wasn't just you sitting there giving empathy and saying "I'm sorry you're struggling." We were still working on things and trying to find the cause of my despair and a way to feel better about myself and my life. I wonder if you'd be willing to do that more going forward? I'm not even sure how to describe "that", but maybe I can figure it out by tomorrow.

Love,
LT

Dear T,

Thank you. For finally, finally, hearing me. I felt like I was sitting on the rooftop, screaming at the top of my lungs, ready to jump but you heard me, and the silent space that you provided helped me to calm the series of explosions that have been going off inside me for the last couple of weeks.

I really meant what I said. I don't for one second underestimate how difficult this must be for you, when I give so few clues about what is happening for me, but you also really really got this wrong.

I was a little surprised that you didn't apologise, but honestly, silence was needed, not words. Just to hear and to invite. And when you said "I think you have reminded me" when I offered you the book back, saying I think you could do with revisiting it, was enough apology for me.

Thank you for saying that you just want to help. Thank you for saying that it really is ok to need gentleness, warmth and understanding. Thank you for asking me what you can do that might make it easier and thank you for saying that it is always ok for me to tell you if what you are doing isn't helpful. Knowing I can just write the words "more gentle" is good, and I hope it will be a way for me to let you know.

Thank you, T, I will be back next week.

Lots of feelings after that session.
I crave comfort, but I don't know what comfort means in this context.
As time moves on, it actually feels like I'm getting closer to the pain, rather than further away from it.

Surely that's not the way it ought to be...but then, none of this is.

i may be camping out tonight in my car at the turnoff of your road hahaha

I'm so glad we seem to have got back on the main path, T, but I feel so drained. Those feelings have really taken their toll on me. I said I felt like I was going through a mangle, well now I feel like a slightly damp squib on the other side. I'll take some time to dry off completely and hope we can keep going next week.

It has been weeks and I've barely thought of my transference T. I don't know why I stopped suddenly. If its because I'm finally getting proper therapy or if almost 2 years of dwelling on her was enough. Idk.

I wish I wasn't too tired to stay awake for the drum circle tonight. There's no way I'll make it til 7pm I feel like going to bed right now and it's only 3pm.

That's a moving song Artie... I've wondered recently, about going back to my childhood home. One of them. I lived there until I was about 8 but only have three memories, and only one of those is inside the house. I don't remember any of the rest of it, and I so wish I did. I wish I could remember, to help me make sense of my past. I wonder what they would say if I turned up one day and asked to go inside.

this song makes me think about a couple of things.... my grandma's house more than the one I actually grew up in (i think next time i go back there... I'm going to go visit. My cousin and his family live there now so it would be easy) and in a weird sort of way, it's kinda how i felt in L's office again last Friday since it had been a while. Like in some ways, that therapy relationship 'built' me too. Interesting and a bit too sentimental. I'll go with my first thought.

I only recently discovered it. I was never much of a country music fan but I really like her songs.

Oh T, thank you. For reaching out. That means a massive amount to me, it really does. I'm not sure I can find the right words to reply just yet, but I am so grateful. Thank you for hearing me.

Well, if nothing else, L I am writing again.

I wondered if it was about the therapy relationship, as that was actually my first thought on hearing the song title. I totally get that. Oh wow, yes that's much easier to revisit!!

"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here, it's like I'm someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in, I swear I'll leave
Won't take nothin' but a memory
From the house that built me"

damn i wish i could write like that

see you in 3 hours.

Dear K,

Slightly sad to find you are no longer registered with the BACP. I guess that really is it then, isn't it. I'm not sure why, but seeing your name still there this last year brought me some comfort, but now even that is gone. I wonder if you will ever initiate contact with me. You always reply to me. Always. But only twice, once in those first few days and once on my birthday have you ever been the one to reach out first. I'm ok with it, for now, but I don't think I will always be ok with it. I am curious, will things ever change?

Thank you for today. It was very helpful, to read out loud all of the workings-out/questions that I wrote over the past week, and I appreciate your helping me figure out which of those many questions are the right ones that I need to focus on answering for myself. I like that we only touched on the 'relationship' for that tiny little moment, I totally get why you asked that question, and I'm glad I was honest in my answer. It was easy to be completely open/honest today about everything. I felt seen/heard/accepted and not judged at all, which was my number one reason for coming in - to sit in that place of non-judgemental calm so I could slow down my whirling thoughts for a bit. And yes, I felt the shift in the energy too at the end... it felt very grounded.

T I really need to see you more than once next week. I'm feeling very sad and unhinged after all that we discuss. I know analysis is hard, and I trust you, but sometimes, I don't trust me.

Dear T,

i feel like ****. all i want to do is vomit and then stay in bed for the rest of the day. am i becoming depressed? i'm not sure. maybe it's something i ate. but i can't do sports. didn't yesterday either. i took a shower and that helped. now i'm just going to wait until i grow old and die. i know, that's overly dramatic isn't it. well, maybe i can spend today waiting. tomorrow, i need to leave the house. and on tuesday, i'll go see you. i guess this development was to be expected. i'm glad you will be there to guide me a little bit. i don't think i can do this on my own.

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