[cocopolly]

I don' think I can detail all the things with this therapist, who *seems* experienced, competent, cultured etc. It was telehealth.

1) I had a longterm adverse reaction to the Moderna vax, with which I still struggle, while she, a sensitive individual who has trouble taking meds (she told me she couldn't take her beta blocker as it made her nauseous 24/7) did "just fine, no problem at all!" with four. She told me this in 2 different sessions. She also said even sensitive people did well with it so it must be particularly hard for me.

2) I'm accomplished in my field and mentioned starting a new venture on my own, about which I was ecied, to which she said, "That's great" (seemed sincere) and then asked no questions at all about what I do, or the details. It turns out, I learned later, her husband and daughter are in the same field...yet no curiosity about what I do EVER. I asked her in our last session why she showed no interest, and she said we were talking about so many other things.

3) I am proud of my 17 year relationship, given my childhood history, and mentioned that. She smiled and asked nothing. She never asked about him. I think we discussed him all of 2 minutes in four sessions.

4) Referring back to #1, I live with a complex medical condition and one of my goals in therapy was to unpack how hard it is to navigate and how I can be less emotionally impacted by it or anxious as a result. I spoke enviously of my friends who are just basically healthy and can live their lives and not worry, and she said that she thinks I am idealizing their lives and that people have many more struggles than I realize, and in fact one of her other patients is on QUOTE UNQUOTE "fifty five different medications!" Well she must have meant 55 pills, which in itself is a lot but people can take medicines and supplements etc and end up with that many. Nobody is on 55 medications. I didn't really want to know about her patient, but I also felt it was kind of diminishing. She should be compassionate about my grief, and in fact, most of my friends ARE healthy and active. Of course everybody in life struggles, I am not saying they don't, but most don't struggle with complicated medical conditions their whole lives.

5) Again back to #1 when I confronted her about the statements and said that I found it lacking in compassion, insensitive and maybe ableist, she got very upset. She tried to explain it had been empathic, in the sense that she was trying to affirm how isolated I must feel. I just don't believe it, and I didn't want to hear more. She got flashing anger in her eyes, and when I replied, "You said what you said," she said, "No, you HEARD it that way." Then the next session, she started by saying, "I was totally freaked out last session that you didn't want to listen to my perspective, and I felt like I was just some therapy machine that had made an error. I was very freaked out. But I realize, as a therapist I shouldn't get that freaked out."

Well I really didn't want to hear how she was freaked out. She should process that with her therapy colleagues or her own therapist. I had a right to bring up how her comparing her great vaccine tolerance to my poor vaccine tolerance--TWICE--was insensitive and diminishing. I can't even imagine how she cast that as empathic.

I was very perturbed by these 4 sessions, since she *presents* on the surface much differently than what I was actually getting. Oh yes, I forgot--she asked if I had considered seeing a pain specialist, at one point. I said I wasn't in much physical pain. She seemed upset, confused, the weirdest expression crossed her face. Maybe she confused me with another therapy client?

Oh--and she forgot to get back to me about an appointment change, and had apparently pencilled me in for a day and time I didn't know about--and actually called me on the phone when I didn't show up on the zoom...but I didn't answer, let it go to text, and texted her back that she had never gotten back to me. When I did have a session with her I asked how that happened and she said she pencils in clients for a # of weeks ahead because she's so busy and "tightly scheduled" that there might be no time for them otherwise. Then in the session, she looks at the next pencilled in date, and asks if that's good. If it's NOT good, she and the client find another time. But the client doesn't actually KNOW they are pencilled in for other weeks after that. Yes, that's her explanation. She said she puts a question mark next to those pencilled in days but had forgotten the question mark with me.

Does that sound crazy or what? Is that a reasonable system? It sounds nuts and I think perhaps she made it up on the spot as an excuse.

I'm not sure what I want from posting. Some weeks have passed and it's not as upsetting as it was, but it worries me. I don't want to try another therapist and have such a destabilizing, diminishing experience.

[Lostislost]

There are lots of bad therapists out there. She sounds like she was a terrible fit for you. Her approach may work with some people, but you needed something different and I can see why you found it so upsetting.

Finding the right therapist is like finding the right friend/partner etc, you need to meet a few to get one that you connect with. Don't give up, you deserve someone to help and empathise with you!

[East17]

It's a fine line between giving examples/using Ts own experiences to make a client feel heard and supported, or just making them feel invalidated and diminished.

The way in which this T organises her scheduling of clients sounds rather haphazard and suggests she may have more clients on her books than she can realistically manage, thus giving rise to mixing up information between clients and getting session bookings wrong. I would say those two things alone are cause for concern. I can understand your hesitance and reluctance to try another therapist, one bad experience can be enough to put a person off.

I guess you have to ask yourself how much you feel you need therapeutic support at the moment? Do you see yourself being able to work through this with the current T? If you could discuss these issues with her and find a way forward that you are happy with it might be worth pursuing, however if you don't think that is possible, or are already so put off that you don't even want to go back to her, then hunt around for someone else.

It is rare that we click immediately with the first T we try, sometimes it takes several goes.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[cocopolly]

No, I can't possibly work it through with her. After the 3rd session where I told her I was upset, and also asked questions (why did you suggest painkillers, what caused the appt mixup), and she came back to session 4 to tell me she had been so freaked out etc--and felt like a therapy machine that had screwed up--I just didn't want it anymore. I am not there to process her counter transference emotions. She reacted inappropriately all along--she should not have compared herself favorably to me (she tolerates the vaccines, I didn't) twice. Once, maybe insensitive, twice, hurtful. In the fourth session towards the end she once again started in that direction, "I'm much less vulnerable than you..." she started, then caught herself, looked upset, and said, "Well, anyway." So she clearly has an instinct to compare herself to me that is totally inappropriate, othering, and not what I want in the safe space of a therapist. I also am very angry that she asked nothing about the good stuff in my life--not one curious question. WHY do I feel proud of my longterm relationship, what are the qualities, what does my S.O. do? How much time together etc? Shouldn't she wonder? What about my vocation--turns out to be the same as her husband and daughter--she had no curiosity at all. Doesn't make any sense. She also has a dietician degree and mentioned that a few times, and at one point asked about my diet and I answered, "It's great, I make all my food from scratch" (true). She had nothing much to say about that. If I were the therapist I would be interested because that shows a lot of motivation and takes time. Especially if I were also a dietician in addition to a LSW.

A therapist friend of mine said she almost sounds passive aggressive. You know with passive aggressive people you cannot call them on their stuff because they won't claim it. that's how she can see her comparisons of herself to me as empathic when they are the opposite. I ended up perturbed because it was a very diminishing experience--I do have a lot of troubles with health and had a tough background, and my purpose in therapy is to try to be seen and understood and handle it as best as I can without overlays of anxiety, but I also get accolades and joy IRL--just gave a talk at a medical school Friday--and she saw none of this about me at all, because she had no curiosity at all when I mentioned the good things. And I didn't INSIST on going on about them if she had no curiosity, I wasn't thinking overtly about it in the moment, so I went on to other subjects. It just seems WRONG. I also didn't like in that first session, before hearing the full scope of my health history, she suggested I was idealizing others' lives and underestimating their problems including her patient on so many meds. And in another session, she mentoined a patient is in the hospital so she has an extra free hour coming up. It's as if she actually viewed me as complaining too much, when she hardly even knew me or the challenges I have faced.

Thanks for listening to me vent. I'm surprised it bothered me so much as I don' tknow her, and she can just be a bad therapist, so I don't really know why I have remained somewhat upset.