Internal V External locus of control.

I think part of my problem is the fact I allow outside circumstances to control my life. Perhaps this is what makes holding onto T so important. I allow others to sway me at times. Its not that I listen so much to what is being said, as more to who is saying it and if its someone I percieve to have a "hold" over me then I am constantly finding myself triggered by what they say and when they speak. I've never really understood when something happens and T says it reminds you of being powerless. I use to think, me? powerless? NEVER! I'm a lion! I roar!..I think I see now just how powerless I do feel. I think I need to practise *I* statements a whole lot more. Like saying, no matter what happens today, *I* will survive.

Hey.

I fairly much have an external locus of control, too. It is interesting... The Western ideal is very much internally focused. When you look at different cultures (Eastern cultures, in particular) they are comparatively much more externally focused. Especially when it comes to issues of moral responsibility / praise and blame. If you describe a situation and ask people (typically students) to pick the most likely reason for the behavior people raised in Western cultures tend to attribute the reason to internal features of the person (typically to do with underlying stable character traits) whereas people raised in Eastern cultures tend to attribute to situational factors. E.g., someone is late and the Westerners tend to say they are 'lazy' whereas Easterners tend to say 'bad traffic'.

We are used to thinking of dependence on others as a bad thing. Feminists have started to critique this, however. Women were thought of as 'unfortunately' dependent (like that was a character flaw) - but now people are starting to think of INTER-DEPENDENCE rather than DEPENDENCE or INDEPENDENCE as an ideal.

We have some power to influence what situations / circumstances we find ourself in. For example, we can choose to hang out with supportive / validating people. We can choose not to watch that scary movie just before bed. We can manipulate our environment (to a certain extent) so that we can get the support that we need from it. Though... It can be hard to learn how, sometimes.

I'm working on becoming stronger so I don't need so much external validation. I see needing it as a 'flaw' or 'weakness'. Actually... That is something I'm talking to my therapist about at the moment. He seems reluctant to see it as a flaw... I'm trying to get my head around his perspective on this...

This is an interesting discussion. I'd like to join for as long as I can hang with ya. You two tend to go over my head sometimes :-). Locus of control and Western vs. Eastern cultural differences is a bit of a stretch for me, but here is my initial response.

I tend to think I judge myself as if I am the only one affecting my world or at least my response to it. If I am have trouble doing something or with some one, I assume that it is because I am not: doing something or approaching it correctly, working hard enough, smart enough, caring enough, etc. Personally I'm OK with this, BUT I need to apply this same perspective to my accomplishments as well as failure. I tend to see many of my accomplishments as luck or impossible without the help of others. Basically if I am personally responsible for all my shortcomings I should also accept responsibility for all of my strengths too. I don't do the latter very well.

Like Alex, I often see asking for help or feeling like I need or want something as a flaw or weakness. I think this creates a lot of problems in my interpersonal relationship. I think sometimes people NEED to help us as much as or maybe even more than we need to be helped. By denying loved ones this opportunity results in a lose-lose situation. I haven't been able to correct this conflict. Also, there are times when I could really use the help and support of others, but refuse to ask for it and things get a lot worse than they really need to be. I see this as a flaw as well (e.g. arrogance, pride, unwillingness to accept there is a greater force at work in the world, what ever).

I like the perspective of inter-dependence. As long as I feel like I am able to make a significant contribution in a relationship, I think can accept help and support in this type of interaction. However I think in inter-dependence the contributions from each person in the relationship needs to be viewed as somewhat equal. I could accept ...say being a stay-at-home mom, if both my husband and I both saw our contributions to the family/society as somewhat equal (different but equal in some way).

I think I have this kind of inter-dependence relationship with a few friends on a small scale. We each are somewhat inter-dependent on the other for certain things-but as long as it is somewhat balanced it seems OK. I like this concept and would like to expand it.

However again my fear of becoming DEPENDENT on another person inhibits this.

I look at it from what I want, my own goals. I have a hard time wanting anything because I spent so long just working to thwart my stepmother; no good grades, don't take care of self and look as good as possible, don't date or make friends, etc. Whatever she was wanting for me I was subtly (unconsciously too) undermining. I have to bounce off the outside locus of control to get any sense of myself. I'm "not" it rather than am myself.

i am often a cork on someone else's ocean. This is a big thing for me and i too am a lion.. a leo and everything! Very very few people around me would believe that i am so deeply affected. i carry myself in a very strong way, i seem very empowered to others from the feedback i get... but it's my defense, that lion is more like the one in the wizard of Oz.. sure, it's a lion, but don't look to closely. Best defense is a good offense, keep people from attempting to hurt me or affect me. It's what we had to do for whatever reason. It's what we learned as a coping mechanism.

T tries to make a point of reminding me to learn to tolerate small external things.. to not allow them to affect me so much.. i end up trying to control the external factors in order to regulate my internal state. Yeah, said like that it sounds pretty screwy.