[Omers]

Whelp, I got the boundaries from new T. Filters aside, that was seriously lame. Following them will not be an issue, they never would have been an issue if I had heard them before (I am not sure if he thought he told me but didn't or if I dissociated).

Now the new problem. In the boundary email and the communication around the email new T violated the boundaries he is asking me to follow. So, I tend to be a chameleon as my H calls it. When I don't know what is expected of me I mirror back what I see from the person I am interacting with. I need to decide if I am OK with two sets of rules. I am confident it is just a rookie move, and I can see how it would be very confusing and upsetting to clients. I am also able to see where he is trying to meet me part way... but without having an understanding of my needs. He took away somatic work and hugs (for now) but offered hand shakes... eh... I was OK with him taking away hugs and somatic work for now because he said he wasn't feeling safe. I can completely honor that no issue... but to offer a substitution without discussion bugs me. So, I guess that is another thing for us to talk about tomorrow. I can see where both of these would be deal brakers for most reasonable clients. I am not sure that they are deal breakers for me as long as he is gracious with me as well.

reading into things he seems really excited that we have worked through this and I will be seeing him tomorrow.

We will see how it goes

[AliceKate]

I think it is entirely reasonable for you to demand that these boundaries be binding for both of you. Him offering hand shakes seems okay to me however. As an offer, you can now discuss it, and discuss your feelings in regards to it, and of course you can reject it.

[Omers]

Thanks AliceKate,
I did hold him to his boundaries today and at the risk of mind reading there did seem to be a lightbulb moment when I called him out.
He also realized today that he had not gone over my treatment plan with me yet. I thought it was kind of odd. He insisted that the goals be in formal terminology and I just laughed. Then he had to have measurable and achievable outcomes and I laughed again and said how much it reminded me of my days working child welfare, although when I was doing it the push was for client friendly wording... even if they were 6 and non-verbal. So... I let him know that I would be letting him know regularly how I felt he was doing with me and would not be waiting for formal treatment plan reviews but if he needed them I was fine with that. It all struck him as rather odd and that is OK.

All in all it was a good session and he learned a LOT today, is listening a lot more, and making far fewer assumptions. He did give me a homework assignment which we had to clarify for a while but he finally understood my concerns and we worked through it. So... next session we will be working on the trauma that influenced the rupture we had a few weeks ago. He was kind of shocked that I could tell him exactly what they were.

Fingers crossed.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Your T reminds me of a brand new T I saw for a little while in college. For me: BIG mistake. I tried pushing her boundaries, she thought we were succeeding when she was able to hold hers. Anyway, I asked the T if I could have a transitional object. She offered me a paper clip from her desk... Because I was more advanced than her, it turned into a game. When my previous T found out, she told me to leave the new T alone and she would be my T again.

I know it's just my opinion, but this really doesn't sound like a good T for you.

[NP_Complete]

A paper clip?!?

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

A paper clip?!?

Right??? Despite the drama that ensued from it, at least I got a stone!

[ScarletPimpernel]

Lol! I didn't take it. The saddest part was when I ended it with her, she seemed upset. She really thought she was doing well.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Lol! I didn't take it. The saddest part was when I ended it with her, she seemed upset. She really thought she was doing well.

Good for you for not taking it! And, aw, poor T--hope she got better!

[Omers]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Right??? Despite the drama that ensued from it, at least I got a stone!

[Omers]

Thank you everyone. Our continuing is still session by session
New T has been a massage T for a long time and he is confident in his work and can flow through methodologies based on what he is experiencing in the moment. If he can internalize his training and work from his internal compass he will be amazing. I am looking into other options. Right now the alternative is art T. She is a lot more comfortable but I don't know that I can accomplish with her what I can with him.

[AliceKate]

I don't understand why he needs formal wording, but whatever. Achievable and measurable, I can understand, but I hope he doesn't come up with 10 unachievable goals Well, if he does, you can direct him to realize this is bs, I guess.

I'm not sure I agree with the others. He seems very inexperienced and right now it seems you two are working more on HIM than on YOU, yes, but perhaps it is useful for you to see that you well-placed criticism is (finally) heard and accepted. This may lay the foundation for a very solid relationship of mutual respect in the future. What do you think?

But yeah, right now, it does strike me as a bit one-sided. Maybe HE should pay YOU, not the other way around, until such a point as this reverses.

[Rive.]

I am of the same mind as Scarlet, though of course this is your experience so you do what you feel is best for you. But this T seems rather naïve and needs to catch up to you, if that makes sense.

I am wary of clients having to teach Ts and wonder if clients' needs can effectively be met when the T feels like such a... spring chicken. There seems to be more potential for T missteps and further hurting and/or traumatising clients.

[LonesomeTonight]

I would have problems with the two sets of rules, and it definitely seems like something you need to talk to him about.

However, I'm not sure I understand why his offering the handshake is an issue though--to me, it sounds like he still trying to extend *some* sort of touch, like a compromise, and you could always decline. Is it that a handshake seems more businesslike to you? My T's handshakes are very warm, and he sometimes gives my hand an extra squeeze, almost like holding hands for a few seconds. I find it comforting. So it could be something to consider trying?

[Omers]

A lot of our sessions right now are about catching him up to where I am at. I think some of it is normal when you switch from a T you have been with for 4 years to a new T and then there is a lot of extra because he is new. If I could find anyone else I was remotely interested in working with I would move on but so far there is not so maybe helping "guide" his development as a T is the best for now. He is making better progress than art T and she had awesome T as a supervisor. If he stops working or plateaus then I will stop or move on but if he continues to try as hard as he has been I think I will stick with it.

We did not discuss the handshake nor did I ask for one at the end of the session. Honestly, now that he is seeing a more accurate version of me I do not think it will be very long before we are back to hugs. The more he is seeing how I respond to his efforts to meet me where I am at the more excited he seems to be getting about our continued work together... it is just a matter of figuring each other out.

I got a super sweet message from awesome T. He is supportive of new T and I trying to work it out. So the saga continues LOL. Right now we have two sessions scheduled for next week but I did let him know I am over scheduled for next week and may cancel the second session.