[nottrustin]

*** trigger warning***

Today in my session with T we discussed my fear of what people would think of me if they knew my past. We actually talked about this last week but continued the discussion today. I told her that I feared people would think I wanted the abuse I endured as a young teen. So they would think I was a slut. i told her of another incident
That happened about the same time as my CSA. She is the only person I have ever told about this. She told me that what happened in the other jncidence was not me being a slut but rather I was r@8ed. This sent me into a dark space. I ever thought of it as r@8e. It makes me feel even dirtier than ever before.

I just want to give up I cannot tolerate the psin..

[TRIGGER][/TRIGGER]

[Lostislost]

I also feel dirty about these things. I have to constantly remind myself that as a child, you weren't at fault. We feel dirty because of how disgusting the people are that hurt us, they are the dirty ones. We can wash ourselves and know we did nothing wrong. I hope you are ok and take good care of yourself today.

Originally Posted by Lostislost

I also feel dirty about these things. I have to constantly remind myself that as a child, you weren't at fault. We feel dirty because of how disgusting the people are that hurt us, they are the dirty ones. We can wash ourselves and know we did nothing wrong. I hope you are ok and take good care of yourself today.

Absolutely this. Not only were the abusers the dirty ones, their actions were dirty. Not yours. The only part of those experiences which was not dirty was you. Your body and your being were separate from the actions of the abusers and you were (and are) clean. You are vital and you expand far beyond the dirt of others. Keep safe, this is hard work.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by Lostislost

I also feel dirty about these things. I have to constantly remind myself that as a child, you weren't at fault. We feel dirty because of how disgusting the people are that hurt us, they are the dirty ones. We can wash ourselves and know we did nothing wrong. I hope you are ok and take good care of yourself today.

Thanks for this.

[Oliviab]

I read a poem once about shame that was so powerful, I think of it often. There was a line in it about forced to swallow the guilt of another and tend what grows.

I shared this poem with my T and he will reference it when I am swamped with shame and feeling like I am dirty and contaminated due to CSA. He reminds me that this is not my shame, that it belongs to another.

[Marie123]

Try to put the blame and shame where it belongs......on the abuser. I know that is difficult. You are carrying the abusers "stuff" HIS shame for what he did. It might help to write a letter to the abuser....it's called restorative justice...restorative justice says.....this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. It is for yourself. You can keep it, or send it.

[Calla lily12]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

*** trigger warning***

Today in my session with T we discussed my fear of what people would think of me if they knew my past. We actually talked about this last week but continued the discussion today. I told her that I feared people would think I wanted the abuse I endured as a young teen. So they would think I was a slut. i told her of another incident
That happened about the same time as my CSA. She is the only person I have ever told about this. She told me that what happened in the other jncidence was not me being a slut but rather I was r@8ed. This sent me into a dark space. I ever thought of it as r@8e. It makes me feel even dirtier than ever before.

I just want to give up I cannot tolerate the psin..

[TRIGGER][/TRIGGER]

I know what you mean about feeling dirty and to blame. No one ever wants abuse. Being r**** doesn't make you dirty; it makes the abuser a piece of crap. Nothing you did makes you wrong.
I was blamed for my r*** and that pain won't go away. My own mother said I must have done something to encourage it.
I hope you can see yourself as a good person deserving of compassion.