Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 28, 2023 at 12:56 PM

Remain in motion
Avoiding emotion, just
Pain unspoken burns.

ArtieTheSequal · Apr 28, 2023 at 03:10 PM

hugs if wanted, jDNA.

ArtieTheSequal · Apr 28, 2023 at 06:31 PM

Oh mylanta what have I done giving you the link to my blog?!

Maybe you won't have enough time or interest to read it long enough to find the handful of poems from last year that I'm freaking out about rn.

Yes, yes. Drama queen. I know.

I've decided to just go ahead and wear the crown cuz it makes me feel pretty.

ArtieTheSequal · Apr 28, 2023 at 06:32 PM

...and don't worry. I'll not be emailing you this week - in fact I'll be forgetting you exist for the next 6.5 days.

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 29, 2023 at 10:25 AM

I am really tired of being 'brave'.
Being brave is persevering through something that you don't want to do.
Being brave is often persevering through something that hurts on some level.
All I have done since Steve died is 'be brave'.

I hope that I will see you next week so that we can pick up the conversation we were having.

In addition to the removal of that protective layer, there are specific elements of this experience that I don't want to speak aloud, but feel that I must so that they stop hurting me.

AliceKate · Apr 29, 2023 at 02:01 PM

I think I am deeply insecure T, in all of my relationships, family, friends, work, strangers and you, of course, but my insecurity towards you seems tolerable. You probably already know or suspect this, but for me, this is a new revelation.

Mountaindewed · Apr 29, 2023 at 03:20 PM

I'll probably do that homework 2 hours before our session

I looked at my patient portal at my Pdocs office and apparently I've had a diagnosed eating disorder since Feb of 2021. I always thought it was just suspected. Not actually officially put on paper for over 2 years.

So I don't know if that will change how we do therapy or anything. But I figured I'd tell you on Monday that its official. That its been official for awhile.

LostOnTheTrail · Apr 30, 2023 at 05:36 AM

Hope to see you on Thursday.
The use of the word 'crisis' by a family member has thrown me.

Is it that bad, or is it just plain that I can't hide how I am feeling any longer?

Mountaindewed · Apr 30, 2023 at 12:18 PM

When I was 15 I wanted to be a short skinny guy who looked younger then he actually was. Instead I was this voluptous heavy person with a size G chest who for sure looked 15 Now I am what I dreamt of being but I have to work hard on keeping up my appeareance.

Tbh though my 3 stomach meds have messed up appetite.

NP_Complete · Apr 30, 2023 at 03:16 PM

You said you were going to email me this weekend with some thoughts, but it's Sunday afternoon and you haven't. I'm depressed as hell and was looking forward to knowing that you were thinking of me.

NP_Complete · Apr 30, 2023 at 04:31 PM

Life is never going to get any better.

Fuzzybear · Apr 30, 2023 at 05:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by East17

Dear T
You told me this week that the anger I had experienced "was progress!" I don't doubt your sincerity, nor your enthusiasm for guiding me in a forwards direction.... you are seeing progress so it makes sense to capitalise on that.

But, whilst I agree progress has been made, I'm thinking that you are way ahead of where I feel I am at. Like there's an unspoken 'expectation' that now I can continue to move forward without any barriers and that we can 'deal with all the remaining elephants in the room' in an expeditious manner. I was hoping to be able to take things at a slower pace.

You’ve often said that I am processing stuff in a different way. Perhaps it doesn’t matter how stuff is processed, so long as it is? But I'm not processing it in the way I need to process it.

I would feel rushed by this too, and it would probably make me feel a lot worse than I was feeling already. I think it's possible there is a mis - attunement here.

Or maybe I'm projecting an appalling therapy experience onto this.... I hope I am and that this therapist proves to be genuinely helpful to you. It's not always possible to ''move forward'' at the ''pace'' that THEY want. ANY ''forward'' movement is good..... but they Should be able to take things at YOUR pace. imho. Of course there can be barriers to that in some places. But if the barrier is in the personality of the therapist and/or their lack of skills....then....

anyway, please try to be gentle with self.

It's ok not to please the therapist. They are there to help us, we are not there to feed them......

AliceKate · May 01, 2023 at 10:03 AM

I miss you.

LonesomeTonight · May 01, 2023 at 01:51 PM

Dear T,
Thanks for being understanding and reassuring today. I'm glad I let those concerns out. And that you said again how you'd let me know if there was anything going on that you thought had a chance to affect the regularity of sessions.

Also, good to know that you do feel you can generally be yourself and joke around with me. And that you also realize there are areas where joking would not be OK.

Love,
LT

Mountaindewed · May 01, 2023 at 04:03 PM

Thanks for being the 3rd therapist I've had to offer to let me puke in your garbage basket and not freak out about it. I'm not joking though, I've slept with a bucket near my bed these last 2 weeks.

You said "you did your homework so good I'm super proud of you!" When honestly, I did it 10 minutes before I had to leave today and I was in a rush.

But I think today went good overall.

velcro003 · May 01, 2023 at 04:51 PM

T: I know, stay in the present, catastrophic thinking doesn’t help. BUT, i really think I’m going to have to stop seeing you in June, and it’s breaking my heart. I know therapy isn’t forever, but we’ve been together a long time. Ok, i need to stop, bc this is too hard.

E: thank you for being ok with me reaching out so often. If I can make it through June, that will give me a little breathing room.

LostOnTheTrail · May 02, 2023 at 03:00 AM

Turns out I can speak and write words of solace for others, but I'm less certain of how to find them for myself.

We're going to have quite a session when we next meet.

LostOnTheTrail · May 03, 2023 at 09:28 AM

Thanks for understanding my reaching out about tomorrow.
I think you know it's going to be a heavy session.

LostOnTheTrail · May 04, 2023 at 08:32 AM

Thank you for being honest with me within my parameters.
I appreciate how careful you are more than you know.
Removing the mystery allows space for the grief, and I hope you are ready for that.

Lostislost · May 05, 2023 at 06:04 AM

I really don't see how anything is going to get any better. You weren't the pushy version of yourself you said you would be. No one has asked what my answers were to the cube by the way...you included. I know it's just a dumb game but still. I'm so lonely. I miss my nan so much, I wish I hadn't been such a terrible grandchild.

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLVI

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ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,239 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,775 hugs given	Apr 28, 2023 at 03:10 PM #182 hugs if wanted, jDNA.

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,239 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,775 hugs given	Apr 28, 2023 at 06:31 PM #183 Oh mylanta what have I done giving you the link to my blog?! Maybe you won't have enough time or interest to read it long enough to find the handful of poems from last year that I'm freaking out about rn. Yes, yes. Drama queen. I know. I've decided to just go ahead and wear the crown cuz it makes me feel pretty.

ArtieTheSequal Writing my way through... Member Since Feb 2020 Location: In the desert Posts: 7,239 (SuperPoster!) 4 5,775 hugs given	Apr 28, 2023 at 06:32 PM #184 ...and don't worry. I'll not be emailing you this week - in fact I'll be forgetting you exist for the next 6.5 days.

AliceKate Grand Member Member Since Jan 2021 Location: On a raindrop far, far away Posts: 871 3 2,208 hugs given	Apr 29, 2023 at 02:01 PM #186 I think I am deeply insecure T, in all of my relationships, family, friends, work, strangers and you, of course, but my insecurity towards you seems tolerable. You probably already know or suspect this, but for me, this is a new revelation. __________________ my life explained in two smileys

Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,228 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,783 hugs given	Apr 30, 2023 at 12:18 PM #189 When I was 15 I wanted to be a short skinny guy who looked younger then he actually was. Instead I was this voluptous heavy person with a size G chest who for sure looked 15 Now I am what I dreamt of being but I have to work hard on keeping up my appeareance. Tbh though my 3 stomach meds have messed up appetite. __________________ Ridin' with Biden

NP_Complete Grand Magnate Member Since Feb 2017 Location: the upside down Posts: 3,808 7 6,355 hugs given	Apr 30, 2023 at 03:16 PM #190 You said you were going to email me this weekend with some thoughts, but it's Sunday afternoon and you haven't. I'm depressed as hell and was looking forward to knowing that you were thinking of me.

NP_Complete Grand Magnate Member Since Feb 2017 Location: the upside down Posts: 3,808 7 6,355 hugs given	Apr 30, 2023 at 04:31 PM #191 Life is never going to get any better.

AliceKate Grand Member Member Since Jan 2021 Location: On a raindrop far, far away Posts: 871 3 2,208 hugs given	May 01, 2023 at 10:03 AM #193 I miss you. __________________ my life explained in two smileys

Lostislost Veteran Member Member Since May 2020 Location: Uk Posts: 557 3 890 hugs given	May 05, 2023 at 06:04 AM #200 I really don't see how anything is going to get any better. You weren't the pushy version of yourself you said you would be. No one has asked what my answers were to the cube by the way...you included. I know it's just a dumb game but still. I'm so lonely. I miss my nan so much, I wish I hadn't been such a terrible grandchild.